Also, I'm looking for a couple brave souls to take up looking at the whole chapter. It's approximately nine pages, double spaced in 12 pt., new roman.

Last Note: I'm completely code illiterate, can someone give me some pointers on how to italize and bold text for these bulletins?

2.

Logan walked through the empty, burnished metal halls of the educational sector with the occasional muffled voice breaching the adjoining classrooms to reach him. Everything felt off kilter from having his dampening field on the maximum level for so long. The people conveyors in the public sector would be a welcome convenience.

A spot of the field on his left shoulder fizzled as a finger tapped him. He stopped and turned, surprised to see a girl from Everett’s class.

She said something. Logan still wasn’t used to interpreting words through his ears and he had to concentrate to understand her. He picked up the last part of her sentence,
“—want with you?”

“Excuse me?”

“I asked, ‘What did Everett want with you?’”

Varia, that’s her name. “He just wanted to make sure I knew not to cut him off again.” Doctor Heindric waited for him; perhaps with an update concerning his condition. Logan didn’t want to miss his appointment.

[This message has been edited by Ryan Brotman (edited March 10, 2005).]

[This message has been edited by Ryan Brotman (edited March 10, 2005).]
 

...BUT IT ISN'T VERY RICH. OK, SO HE'S JUST WALKING, MAYBE IT DOESN'T NEED TO BE. BUT I HAD A CRITIQUERS JUMP ON MY REFERENCE TO "ANOTHER ANONYMOUS HALLWAY" AND SAY: MAKE IT INTERESTING! I CHANGED IT TO A HALLWAY OF RICH GLASSY BROWN ROCK, AND THUS IMPROVED IT.

A spot of the field on his left shoulder fizzled as a finger tapped him. He stopped and turned, surprised to see a girl from Everett’s class.

She said something. Logan still wasn’t used to interpreting words through his ears and he had to concentrate to understand her. He picked up the last part of her sentence,
“—want with you?” I'D STRIKE THE LAST SENTENCE. WITHOUT IT, WE STILL GET HIS MOMENTARY CONFUSION.

“Excuse me?” HE SAID

“I asked, ‘What did Everett want with you?’”

Varia, that’s her name. “He just wanted to make sure I knew not to cut him off again.” Doctor Heindric waited for him; perhaps with an update concerning his condition. Logan didn’t want to miss his appointment.
I DON'T FOLLOW. MAYBE I WOULD IF I'D READ CHAPTER 1.

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: I SHOULD'VE READ CH 1.

Thanks for your input.

I usually would agree with you that I need to make the setting more interesting, but I'm trying to stay true to the character's POV. He's been living there for over a year and it was my thought that he wouldn't find the setting interesting enough to comment on it.

I'm also trying to make the place seem purposefully sterile.

But maybe my attempts to do both of these things are a little too successful and are diluting the environment.

I dunno, I'll leave it up for debate.
 

"...BUT IT ISN'T VERY RICH. OK, SO HE'S JUST WALKING, MAYBE IT DOESN'T NEED TO BE. BUT I HAD A CRITIQUERS JUMP ON MY REFERENCE TO "ANOTHER ANONYMOUS HALLWAY" AND SAY: MAKE IT INTERESTING! I CHANGED IT TO A HALLWAY OF RICH GLASSY BROWN ROCK, AND THUS IMPROVED IT."

To put that much detail into a scenario like this especially in chapter two (I'm assuming we're in the same general setting as in chapter one… but haven't read it, so I'm not sure) would just be tedious… sure adjectives can be fun, but you have to know when they're also pointless and just getting in the way of what's actually going on.

"“—want with you?” I'D STRIKE THE LAST SENTENCE. WITHOUT IT, WE STILL GET HIS MOMENTARY CONFUSION."

I think you should leave it; it creates better empathy for the character… and just puts you more in his shoes…

"“Excuse me?” HE SAID"

You only need to state who said what when there's so much dialog being thrown around that the reader would get confused about who's talking… Maybe you got confused, but I was still tracking flawlessly…

Ryan: I would be willing to read either or both chapters, if you'd like me to (I'm not willing to read a whole novel while I'm in writing process, but I think I can risk a chapter or two), but I most likely wont be able to get around to it until at least Mon… so if you're eager to get a quick review, you might want to skip me…
 

That was my thinking behind why I wrote the passage the way I did. Thanks for the feedback.
 

My email is danielthurot@hotmail.com
 

The first sentence is kind of awkward. Maybe it's just too long. If you could break it up into two sentences, I think that would help.

"Varia, that's her name" should be in past tense.

"Dr. Hendric waited..." maybe "was waiting"? I'm not sure about this one.

As far as content goes, I agree with wbriggs in that the general impression I'm getting is that it would have helped immensely to have read the first chapter.

If you want me to read it, send it over, but I'm warning you that I'm a bit slow lately, as my computer has been acting up again.
 

I think the first sentence is too long. I got lost about halfway through it. Could be me…I like short, fast sentences, because I'm on crack. Kidding… There's a certain hook in the second sentence. I think that might be a more powerful opener for a chapter, but perhaps make it pack a little more punch. I've never worn a dampening field, so I'm intrigued. I liked it. Perhaps even give a solid amount of time that he's had the field on max power. 5 hours, 5 days, 2 hours longer than the manufacturer's recommended time… (Shrug…) Up to you.

I had to read this part this part a few times: cut him off again.” Doctor Heindric waited." The suddenness of the switch to Dr. Heindric was a bit confusing. Transition this a little smoother, and I think you've got it.

Without having read the first chapter, I can't say much else.

Thanks,

Thomas…