Wow, that mission trip was intense! I didn't get as much writing done as I would have liked, but I got enough to give you thirteen lines. I'm combining Eldras with another story that I'd been kicking around for a while, and I think that they're going to work well together. Let me know what you think!
***
“Abigail Lewis.”
Heart pounding, Abigail stood and entered the dark Council chamber. She knelt before the Council and offered up a quick prayer to God, asking for him to accept her services and her life.
“Do you know why we called you before us?” the High Councilman asked, interrupting her prayer.
“Yes, my Lord.” She paused, wondering if he wanted her to tell him what she knew. When he said nothing, she continued, “I am here because you have reached your decision about whether or not I am to join the Order of the Theis.”
“We have. Do you know what decision we have reached?”
Abigail was shocked. What did they suspect her of? “No, my Lord,” she said slowly. “I do not.”
“What do you hope it is?”
***
It's very rough, and I'm only looking for comments on these 13 lines. So, what do you think?
Posted by keldon02 (Member # 2398) on :
It flows well except for the transition from the Councilman asking if she knew which decision to her shock followed by her fear that they suspected her of something.
"Abigail was shocked. What did they suspect her of?" seems out of place. How could it be modified to demonstrate it to be a natural question for the situation?
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Just my bias, but I'm annoyed with High Council guy. Why's he messing with her head? Spit it out, already! (Since I think that's not your intention, that could be a problem.) Beyond that, I have nothing to complain about. I'm only mildly hooked, though, because I don't know what the position she applied for means. It might hook me more if Abigail knew there was some scandal that she REALLY hopes the Council doesn't know.
Posted by Shendülféa (Member # 2408) on :
quote:“We have. Do you know what decision we have reached?”
Abigail was shocked. What did they suspect her of? “No, my Lord,” she said slowly. “I do not.”
“What do you hope it is?”
I'm a little troubled by these last sentences. To me, it seems to slow down the pace a bit and I'm not quite sure why she should be shocked that they've reached a decision. I mean, it would make more sense, IMO, if she was shocked by their decision, not by the fact that they had made a decision. I'm also not sure why this Council guy needs to ask her if she knows what decision they've reached. Maybe you explain that later, but right now I feel like it's something that doesn't need to be in there.
[This message has been edited by Shendülféa (edited March 22, 2005).]
Posted by Jaina (Member # 2387) on :
Hmm. It seems that the tension I was trying to build wasn't working too well, and it wasn't exactly necessary, anyway. See if this version works better for you.
***
“Abigail Lewis.”
Heart pounding, Abigail stood and entered the dark Council chamber. She knelt before the Council and offered up a quick prayer to God, asking for him to accept her service and her life.
“Do you know why we called you before us?” the High Councilman asked, interrupting her prayer.
“Yes, my Lord.” She paused, wondering I he wanted her to tell him what she knew. When he said nothing, she continued, “I am here because you have reached your decision about whether or not I am to join the Order of the Theis.”
“We have.” There was a short silence, just long enough to make Abigail begin to wonder if they’d rejected her after all. Then, the Councilman continued, “You are worthy. If you accept this scroll, you are accepting your Order as Theis. The choice is yours.” He held out the scroll, and Abigail grasped it.
***
Any way I could maybe shorten it a bit? The real story doesn't start until several lines later, when she runs into Eldras on her way out of the Council chamber.
Posted by Shendülféa (Member # 2408) on :
Yes, I like this version better. Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Even without knowing the details, I have a presumption that if the real story starts later, you should start the writing at that point. Worth considering.
Oh, and congrats on avoiding being kicked!
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited March 22, 2005).]
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I could use a bit more clarity on the setting, both physical and emotional. I didn't like "dark Council chamber" for a number of reasons. You do a bit better with the emotional setting, but this scene still needs to be either expanded or cut. If your inclination is to skip this and get to the story, then that might be the best thing to do.
Posted by keldon02 (Member # 2398) on :
I like it better, though I don't know if "wondering (if) he wanted her to tell him what she knew" would be better shortened. I also wonder if perhaps a little bit of physical descption of both her and the room would help. But then again I'm more of a visual thinker than some folks.
Posted by Shendülféa (Member # 2408) on :
Me, too. I have found that some people want action right away at the beginning of the story while others (like me) want a description of the setting and the physical appearance of the character. I think it depends on your preferences, though.
