Hatrack River Writers Workshop: New Beginnings (REVISED)

This is topic New Beginnings (REVISED) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=000858

Posted by cklabyrinth (Member # 2454) on :

Did a lot of revising on this. I totally changed the nature of the opening scene, and I hope it has a much better hook now:

Johan concealed himself in the darkness of an alley to survey his customer, who was twenty yards away. The man had his back to Johan and leaned against a lamp post, which emitted dim light that gave new life to every piece of rubble and debris it shined on. Johan knew the man was an undercover cop. No druggie that bought from Johan was ever early, or as sober as the cop appeared to be.
The old alchemist fingered the four stimulant elixirs in his bag and sighed – it had taken a lot of effort to make them. He reached into a smaller pouch on his waist, pulled out a kingsmane flower and clenched it hard in his fist.
“Tumi incog refur,” Johan whispered, and the flower withered in his hand. A radiant green light which illuminated the entire block emanated from Johan’s hands, and the cop quickly turned around and reached for his gun. Johan motioned his hand at the cop, and the light engulfed him. The cop stood in place, with both his hands frozen on his holster. His muscles tensed and a vein popped on his forehead. After a few minutes he was spent, and gave up the futile effort.
“What precinct do you work for?” Johan asked.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

It's got a hook! Nice. Here are a few comments in ALL CAPS, and suggested deletions in []. I would like a little of how Johan feels (smug? triumphant? angry? business as usual?), but I still like it.

--
Johan HID [concealed himself] in the darkness of an alley to survey his customer, [who was] twenty yards away. The man had his back to Johan and leaned against a lamp post, which emitted dim light that gave new life to every piece of rubble and debris it shined on. [SOUNDS LIKE THE LAMP POST WAS EMITTING LIGHT] Johan knew the man was an undercover cop. No druggie that bought from Johan was ever early, or [as] sober [as the cop appeared to be].

The old alchemist [WHO'S THIS? LATER I FIND OUT IT'S JOHAN, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW] fingered the four stimulant elixirs in his bag and sighed –*-* it had taken a lot of effort to make them. He reached into a smaller pouch on his waist, pulled out a kingsmane flower and clenched it hard in his fist.

“Tumi incog refur,” Johan whispered, and the flower withered in his hand. A radiant green light [I'M NOT SURE WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE IN A RADIANT LIGHT AND A NON-RADIANT ONE, SO I CAN'T PICTURE THIS] which illuminated the entire block emanated from Johan’s hands, and the cop quickly turned [around] and reached for his gun. Johan motioned his hand at the cop, and the light engulfed him [NOT CLEAR WHICH "HIM" IS ENGULFED]. The cop stood in place, with both his hands frozen on his holster. His muscles tensed and a vein popped on his forehead. After a few minutes he was spent, and gave up the [futile] effort.

“What precinct do you work for?” Johan asked.

Posted by DatBum65 (Member # 2452) on :

Hi CK…
I like this very much. A couple sentences are too long. Some are a little choppy, but overall nicely done. I've made a few comments within the writing.
Johan [HID IN A DARK ALLEY] to survey his customer [TWENTY YARDS AWAY]. The man had his back to Johan and leaned against a lamp post. [The] dim light gave new life to every piece of rubble and debris it shined on. Johan knew the man was an undercover cop. No druggie that bought from Johan was ever early, or as sober as the cop appeared to be.
The old alchemist [CONFUSING SUBJECT. WHO IS THIS?] fingered the four stimulant elixirs [ARE THEY IN VILES?] in his bag and sighed [WHY DOES HE SIGH? DOESN'T HE WANT TO SELL THEM? A LITTLE CONFUSING] [–] [I]t had taken a lot of effort to make them. He reached into a smaller pouch on his waist, pulled out a kingsmane flower and clenched it hard in his fist.
“Tumi incog refur,” [NICE! I LIKE THE INCANTATION.] Johan whispered, and the flower withered in his hand. [THE FOLLING SENTENCE IS A LITTLE LONG:] A radiant green light which illuminated the entire block emanated from Johan’s hands, and the cop quickly turned around and reached for his gun. Johan motioned his hand at the cop, and the light engulfed him. The cop stood in place, with both his hands frozen on his holster. His muscles tensed and a vein popped on his forehead . After a few minutes he was spent, and gave up the futile effort. [I REALLY LIKE WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO HERE, BUT TRY TO BREAK IT UP TO MAKE IT MORE CLEAR.]
“What precinct do you work for?” Johan asked.

I like this. I'm intrigued.

Posted by cklabyrinth (Member # 2454) on :

Edited version:

Johan hid in a dark alley to survey his customer twenty yards away. The man had his back to Johan and leaned against a lamp post. The dim light gave new life to every piece of rubble and debris it shined on. Johan knew the man was an undercover cop. No druggie that bought from him was ever early, or sober.

Johan fingered the four vials of stimulant elixirs in his bag and sighed. It had taken a lot of effort to make them, and now he would never get a chance to sell them. He reached into a smaller pouch on his waist, pulled out a kingsmane flower and clenched it hard in his fist.

“Tumi incog refur,” Johan whispered, and the flower withered in his hand. A green light emanated from Johan’s hands and illuminated the entire block. The cop quickly turned and reached for his gun. Johan motioned his hands at the cop, and the light engulfed the cop. He stood in place, with both hands frozen on his holster. His muscles tensed and a vein popped on his forehead. He was quickly spent, and gave up the effort.

“What precinct do you work for?” Johan asked.

The following sentence just sounds weird, any suggestions for it?

'Johan motioned his hands at the cop, and the light engulfed the cop.'

Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :

CK, check out my third-to-last post within the Punishment topic on this board, just for a moment. I can wait... ... ...

Right. Did you get that?

Sentence starts should vary...

Second thing. Part of what was good about the first version, first sentence, has been taken away. You could have kept "concealed" by doing this:

Concealed in the darkness of the alley, Johan watched his customer.

Don't just rush to change things because people suggest it. It's your story. And likely, the first words you chose were the exact words you wanted to use -- the sentence only needed reordering or restructuring, that's all. Keep that in mind when you read the comments here. Don't get me wrong, their points are valid points... but think about how YOU want your story written (in your words) -- not theirs.

EDIT: When people point stuff out, they are just saying there's a problem here... it's up to you to decide how to solve it.

Cool?

Good luck.

AND EDITED to "third-to-last" due to another post...

[This message has been edited by HSO (edited March 26, 2005).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Maybe:

Johan motioned his hands, and the cop was engulfed with light

John motioned his hands, engulfing the cop with light

Posted by Isaiah13 (Member # 2283) on :

Minor nitpick:

If the man was twenty yards away, and had his back turned, would Johan be able to tell whether or not he was sober?

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

just a suggeston for that last sentence:

Johan made a slight gesture with his hands and the cop was engulfed in light.

Posted by Exploding Monkey (Member # 2444) on :

Much, much better than the first draft of your intro!

Like wbriggs said, "Now it's got a hook."

Posted by cklabyrinth (Member # 2454) on :

Here's what I ended up with yesterday for that sentence:

Johan motioned his hands and the light engulfed the cop.

And on that note about not being able to tell if the cop is sober from twenty yards away.. I don't know, if I watched someone walk around for long enough from that distance I think I could discern that.. but it definetly couldn't be determined from just a quick glance...

Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :

Right. Well, twenty yards is --what?--sixty feet? That's not far away at all, and certainly close enough to resolve some features on a person's face.

Think about a basketball court... they're not that big. I think an NBA court comes in around 94ft long by 50ft wide... Really, standing at one end or the other, or either side, you can clearly resolve facial features. You'll be able to tell if someone is drunk or not from twenty yards away.

As far as that sentence goes, maybe you should consider expanding it a bit. Make it two sentences, and REALLY show us what the light is doing.

For instance: Johan motioned his hands: a quick, jerky gesture that sent the light hurtling towards the cop. In a flash, the light engulfed its target completely.

You don't have to consider using it, but feel free to take a little time out to show the action. It's interesting, so try not to gloss over it too quickly.

[This message has been edited by HSO (edited March 27, 2005).]

Posted by cklabyrinth (Member # 2454) on :

I was definitely considering adding another sentence there or something.. where he holds his hand palm up and a fireball type thing forms right above it, then he motions his arms to hurl it at the cop..

Something like I saw in an X-men movie or something similar.. but not totally cliche..

Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

I made my comments before reading anything else.

quote:
Johan hid in a dark alley to survey his customer twenty yards away. The man had his back to Johan and leaned against a lamp post.

The way this is phrased it seems like the man is in the state of leaning rather than he does the action. This is because you have the earlier part of the sentence in this form, namely by using the word "had," which makes the reader assume that the man is "leaning," but the literal meaning contradicts this.

quote:

The dim light gave new life to every piece of rubble and debris it shined on. Johan knew the man was an undercover cop. No druggie that bought from him was ever early, or sober.

I can not focus on anything in this paragraph but the overriding question: What dim light? Is it new? Then where does it come from.

“Tumi incog refur,” Johan whispered, and the flower withered in his hand. A green light emanated from Johan’s hands and illuminated the entire block. The cop quickly turned and reached for his gun. Johan motioned his hands at the cop, and the light engulfed the cop. He stood in place, with both hands frozen on his holster. His muscles tensed and a vein popped on his forehead. He was quickly spent, and gave up the effort.

This seems to be from the cop's perspective.

“What precinct do you work for?” Johan asked.

Posted by Minister (Member # 2213) on :

Just a note about your sentence with motioning. Although "motioned" can be both transitive and intransitive, when it is used in reference to a part of one's body, it is generally used with a preposition. "He motioned with his hand..." I'm sure examples could be found in which this is not the case, but I stumbled when I read the sentence lacking "with."

As a more general remark, it looks like you've got a main character who would not be sympathetic to a lot of readers. I loathe the drug trade and its effects upon people I've worked with. (Shucks, I had a hard time liking Han Solo when I realized he was a drug runner for crime lords.) You can make this work, but you have to be a lot more careful when dealing with a despicable POV character.

Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :

It's funny how my mind works sometimes.
I'm a visual learner, so I tend to create and revise a mental picture when I read. The alley was a good set-up for that mental image. Good description.
Imagine my surprise when I read "a vein popped on his head". I literally envisioned a vein popping and blood running down his face.

Posted by cklabyrinth (Member # 2454) on :

Minister, I understand where you're coming from with the drug comment. I should probably alter the sentence that starts off "No druggie.." to something else.

Also, I didn't consider that would be a problem for some readers, so I will have to be sure and characterize Johan in a way that he's cautious with his drugs and who he sells them to; maybe he can have a way to determine whether or not someone can die from using a particular drug or not.

There was a time when using drugs wasn't considered immoral. I'll have to do some research and more thinking about how I can add some of that to the story.

Posted by Monolith (Member # 2034) on :

Hey, I have a suggestion on the whole hand and light thing. This is only a suggestion, but you can use what you want.

Hope this helps you out some.

-Bryan-

________________________________________

"Tumi incog refur," Johan whispered and the (kingsmane) flower he was holding in his hand, withered as it was bathed in a pale green light. He held out his hand toward the cop, and an instant later the cop was engulfed in the same light.

What the hell, the cop thought as his hands froze on his holster and the muscles through his body tensed up. After trying to move, he realized that the effort was in vain. The cold truth settled heavily on him: He was at the mercy of this mad man.