I'll admit... The beginning seems a lot cheesier than when I originally wrote it. Hm.
Just a tidbit from the Prologue.
If you'd like, you can continue at http://s9.invisionfree.com/Darkstrider
I suggest so. No one who's read it so far hasn't been taken with it.
Nevertheless...
quote:
On a cold winter's night, he lay. It was late December, and stillness rang through the countryside, as quiet as the softly falling snow.
Consider combining the information of these two sentences. We know that December is winter, so...? Secondly, don't leave us hanging with "he lay" and not finish it. This isn't a poem, it's a story. Thirdly, how the heck does stillness "ring". I know you're going for the poetic, but I got hung up on that sentence four times before finally giving up and moving on to the next. When given the opportunity, the reader will take your words literally. Keep that in mind.
Anyway, here's what I meant by combing the two:
"On a cold December night, he lay (where?)"
quote:
, and so hence came the peace which
And so hence? What does that mean? Any one of these words would suffice alone and you used all three together. Pick one, consider cutting out the others.
quote:
It was merely the intuition that he taught himself to live with, the grim reflex which let him survive for such a time as he had, one of the manhunt which now had passed away, but which once rang throughout Arkanasia, a blisteringly cold continent that lay at the very roof of the world.
I have no idea what this sentence means. It's a run-on, and everything after "live with" is well... I dunno, but I'm not seeing. And again, there's that word again: "rang". What "rang"? The manhunt?
Crumbs. I don't want to read a poem, I want to read a story. Don't try to impress the reader with fanciful sentences that mean nothing. Show us (and give us) something to care about.
However, it did make me curious about the guy, and what he's doing, and I'm a picky reader, so I don't think you need to assume failure.
First sentence: I'm not sure about "lie" or "lay" in this instance; I think "lay" is probably correct but the sentence reads a little awkward to me, like a fragment, even if it isn't. (You can get away with using frags, mind you, but I wouldn't begin with one.)
I would also insert a break between "he was nearly shivering" (I think _merely_ would be a better choice than _nearly_, BTW) and the next sentence, and lop off "But then again" entirely. I think it would be a little bit punchier.
Actually, one thing you could do with this opening is think of it in cinematic terms. OK, here's a fairly deadly guy (I'm assuming) sitting in the shadows, tensed up and waiting for something to happen. What you would want to do is the literary equivalent of panning in (it's close to what you're already doing in this passage). The second half is pretty much OK here (apart from the occasionally stilted bits)--what you would want to do is change the first part to get to this guy a little faster (all you need to do is note that it's December, it's cold and rotten, and everybody's asleep).
Does that help?
To me there are a lot of words here but not much is actually said. It's a cold quiet night and a guy is hiding out and twitching.
You haven't told us what the guy's name is - if he's important, I need to know that up front. (if he's not important, maybe this isn't the best way to open the novel.)
From what's here, I don't have any reason to care about this guy, or what happens to him, or actually, any reason to believe that something's going to happen. I don't even know if he's a good guy or a bad guy. I think you're putting too much effort into the elevated language, which I don't think works very well, and not enough effort into the storytelling part.
I should rewrite it, but I just don't find time.
Please give the rest a chance... The next 14 chapters might make up for what you found lax in the beginning.
...but it seems i've kick-started myself with a failure. Joy.
[This message has been edited by Proximus (edited March 29, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Rocklover (edited March 30, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Rocklover (edited March 30, 2005).]
Of course you may be using this to imporve your writing, in which case tell us what you want us to look at. And don't validate by saying it gets better. The beginning should be at least as good as the middle and the end.
Look. We're here for two reasons--or most of us anyway.
1. To improve our writing by critiquing stories and having our stories critiqued.
2. To help others improve their writing by critiquing their stories and having them critique ours.
That's it. And maybe there's a third reason that we like many of the people here. Some days that's debatable, but I digress.
So, Proximus. Instead of looking for the ol' pat on the shoulder, why not get involved and learn something with us? Your fragment has issues; you're entire prologue (which I read fully, despite not needing to do so) has issues; which leads to me think the rest of the story has similar issues.
We aren't here for your ego, Proximus. Keep that in mind if you decide on participating. We'd love to have you, but if you're gonna feel sorry for yourself every time someone crticizes your work, well... it's going to be a long, hard road ahead of you -- and I'm all out of tissues. Capisce?
Best of luck.
Folks on Hatrack care enough to give comments.
I have been on the receiving side of brutally truthful reviews. They were the best thing that ever happened to my writing.
I encourage you to stick around and grow. To do that, you will need to be open to criticism and be positive about it. It's worth it though.