I wasn't going to post this until I'd done some more critiques, but if I'm going to respond to this thread as well as critique other stories, I'm going to have to post it now.
So, please forgive me.
BTW, if this opening sounds familiar, I posted the first thirteen a few months ago, but without the opportunity to read the rest of the story. Now, the rest is in a legible state.
"Carrick" is fantasy, abt 10,500 words (according to MS Word).
***
Mary raced as fast as her legs could take her down the dirt path. Her vision was blurred with tears, and the branch that caught her foot while she ran easily brought her crashing to the hard earth.
Tears cut through the dirt on her face, but in spite of the pain in her knees and bare hands, Mary forced herself back on her feet. She couldn't let Mom find her and take her back home. Everyone was pointing at the TV and talking about meltdowns and quarantines and people dying and she hated it. She wasn't going back to that.
It was while she was getting her gangly seven year old body off the ground that she saw in the corner of her eye a tall, thin shadow on a nearby rise.
Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :
I forgive you, Keeley.
Since I just critted two chapters of your novel, I'll leave this for the other wolves to take. But I don't want you to think I'm ignoring you.
Posted by Wenderella (Member # 2464) on :
I liked it, I definitly wanted to keep reading, however...
I thought you could have done a lot more with the first paragraph. The description wasn't as intense as I would personally haved liked. I think I wanted to feel more of what the girl was feeling.
Just my little, old opinion
Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :
HSO: Funny, I was afraid you might feel snubbed since I posted this without emailing you about it. Glad to know your feelings aren't hurt.
Wenderella: Thanks for the comments about the first paragraph. When you said you wanted to keep reading, did that mean you wanted me to send it, or were you just stating how the excerpt effected you?
Posted by Wenderella (Member # 2464) on :
I was just stating that I felt hooked. Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :
Thanks. Posted by MCameron (Member # 2391) on :
Keeley, I'll read it. It might take me a few days to get it back though, as it is fairly long.
--Mel
Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :
That's fine. Sending it over.
Posted by TaShaJaRo (Member # 2354) on :
Keeley - I will read it. I'll try and get it back to you by the end of this weekend. Is that alright?
Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :
That's fine.
Posted by jimmyjazz951 (Member # 2443) on :
I would like to read it also. It may take a few days, maybe the middle of next week.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I think I can see what Wend is saying. The first paragraph is weak and doesn't introduce the main tension. For instance, the first sentance, taking in isolation, tells us nothing about the mood of the opening, because you use "raced" rather than "fled". Also, you miss the chance to tell us right away that she is running away from her house.
And when you do introduce the thing that she's fleeing, it doesn't really feel like you've pegged just what has really scared her. You only mention the superficial elements, the things that wouldn't ordinarily bother a child too young to understand them.
Also, some of the language is a bit rough. That last sentance needs particular attention.
All that aside, I'm semi-hooked by the introduction of the character whom I assume will turn out to be Carrick. And whether or not he(?)'s the POV character later, I think that having this meeting from Mary's POV is a good (or at least viable) choice.
On the other hand, I'll postpone reading it for now.
Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :
Wenderella and Survivor: I see what you guys are saying. I can also see I'm going to have to change the opening description since it's giving people the wrong idea about the rest of the story.
