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On the radar display, the objects were moving closer. "They are definitely changing course," Jared said.
"Then they’re ships," said Engineer Suti, condescension in her patrician voice. She must have paid well for that Chinese lilt. "Warn them away."
"I did," Jared said. And they weren't ships. The manual said nothing was a ship unless it was at least two meters long.
The bridge was dark but for the displays. Lighting on the bridge during night shift was up only for emergencies, and this wasn’t classified as an emergency. Or as anything else.
Jung-Shin, the steward, looked over his shoulder. "What does the manual say to do?" she asked.
"It would be in the piloting section," Suti said, throwing responsibility onto the pilot: Jared.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited April 01, 2005).]
Sounds interesting though. I'll read.
That first sentence -
On the radar display, the objects were moving closer. "They are definitely changing course," Jared said.
I'm pretty sure the first comma isn't needed.
...and if they changed course, how come they are still getting nearer? Were they getting further away before and now they're coming back towards them?
"Then they’re ships," said Engineer Suti, condescension in her patrician voice. She must have paid well for that Chinese lilt. "Warn them away."
You've swapped around the way you've got the 'said' statement. Maybe not important, but i picked up on it. So maybe it is. The previous sentence was Jared said. Now we've got said Engineer Suti.
"I did," Jared said. And they weren't ships. The manual said nothing was a ship unless it was at least two meters long.
Should the "And the weren't ships..." part supposed to be in quotes. From reading it, I get the impression that this was actually being said. Not thought. I think if it's just something going on in Jared's head, something like 'Jared said, even though he didnt think they could be ships. Not if the manual was accurate' or similar.
Sorry friend. This sounds like a really off critique from me, but I didn't get into this much at all. Each to their own though, there's probably people that love it.
I'd be willing to read.