Hatrack River Writers Workshop: From the ashes of our earth

This is topic From the ashes of our earth in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by matthew (Member # 2473) on :

this is the first serious story I ever did its not finished because I am completely stuck on were to go so I figure if someone reads it they can give me feedback and hopefully that nudge I need to move on with it is loosely based on the halo game (its what I happened to be fanatically interested in at the time).

The end’s beginning

The human vermin had proven themselves to be a formidable enemy, not in the way that a master strategist is but in the way that pests are. There were always more humans to replace the ones eradicated, in this way Shavlot feared them, as did the rest of his race. But now he was on the verge of leading his race to victory he and his race had slowly crushed the human vermin over the years, and now were close to there final battle. They had found the humans home world and in doing so, found there victory.

Jason stared hopelessly at the wall screen
-The tyrants have attacked and destroyed the lunar city and are now advancing towards earth-
He switched the channel to the global news network
-The orbital defenses are currently holding the tyrant’s back but losses are increasing-this just in they have breeched the defenses, it’s only a madder of time now we’ll sta-

PS i did not count the chapter title as a line

Posted by SkorPiun (Member # 2465) on :

So this is the first 13 lines of your last chapter?

So far the beginning looks interesting to me, but I personally think it can be a bit difficult to provide feedback in a way that might help with the direction of a story without knowing all the evens that led up to that point (others may disagree with me on that though).

How many words does you story have so far, maybe someone will be willing to ready the story up to that point and give some ideas or just general comments that may be helpful.

Posted by matthew (Member # 2473) on :

woops i thought it was the first 13 lines of the story not of the end, sorry i was tried last night, must have misread.

Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :

It is ANY 13 lines of a story, but we do prefer the FIRST 13 or so... This helps us see right away where a story is going... everything good and bad should be apparent right away at the beginning.

Posted by matthew (Member # 2473) on :

oh, ok i am glad he said that becouse now i know what to do, i was writeing the sequel to something i havent even writen yet (how messed up is that?) so now i am working on a plot for the prequel to this story (if anyone whants the hole thing ill email it to you)

Posted by matthew (Member # 2473) on :

sorry for dub post i just wanted to anser the question about the word count its:
4,171

Posted by onepktjoe (Member # 2352) on :

Hi Matthew,

Jumped in with both feet, huh? Good for you. I used to help my son with his poetry and stories. He works a lot now and doesn't have much time for writing. I kind of miss it...all except for the sappy love poems to his girlfriend. Those I don't miss. There isn't any sappy love poetry in this, is there? No, probably not in a Halo story I'm guessing. Sure, send it over. You write very well for a thirteen year old, but I'll try to give you a few tips on posting cleaner fragments, too.

Joe

[This message has been edited by onepktjoe (edited April 03, 2005).]

Posted by matthew (Member # 2473) on :

thanx alot and no there is no sappy love poems in this infact the only poems i have are called the chronicals of war which i would love to send to anyone willing to read them (not many people have but those who have seemd to think they were good) and i would be grateful for any tips on how to improve my writeing style.

Posted by Jaina (Member # 2387) on :

Here's a tip for posting on the boards here: keep away from internet lingo. As writers, we have a lot of respect for the English language. Write your posts like you would your stories.

As for the story fragment, I'm impressed, knowing that you're thirteen. If you want, send me what you have and I'll look at it. It just might be a while before I get it back to you, since I've got a lot of stuff for next semester to take care of (like finding a place to live...). But if you don't mind a wait, I'll help you out.

Posted by matthew (Member # 2473) on :

thank you i will send you it, i need all the feedback i can get

i am trying to getrid of the lingo. its just second nature to me after all the time spent in chatrooms. when i see it in one of my past posts i edit it out. thanks for the heads up though.

Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :

Getting rid of internet lingo includes using proper capitalization.

Posted by limo (Member # 2470) on :

I also agree about the jargon, things are easier to read if the words are clear and I don't fall over them. Here is my critique, I hope it helps.

Firstly WHO is the main character(s) in this story? Is it Jake or Shaylot or is another character going to come on in? You need to make it clear from the beginning who to care about and why. I should care about both that person and your story.
There are big jumps in this story from one side to the other, which is confusing (I think). Also need to work on clarifying your sentence structure, some of them are rather long “But now he was on the verge of leading his race to victory he and his race had slowly crushed the human vermin over the years, and now were close to there final battle”. You repeat words in the sentence, which is something of an issue as it stops the flow of the story.
Also their, there, they’re; need to make sure you put the right one in.
Word usage: when you talk about someone being a tyrant you’re generally referring to a single person, usually human, is this the case here? If they are alien forces the News would probably call them that or is that the name of the race?
Anyway hope this helps. I wrote it as I would for my own students who are your age. If you feel I am being too harsh let me know and I'll tone it down.

[This message has been edited by limo (edited April 05, 2005).]

Posted by matthew (Member # 2473) on :

No not at all, your critiquing me just fine all the tyrants are named that because I can?t ever think of names (and I couldn?t use the covenant) the main characters are Jason and later a solider named Connors. The tyrant you hear thinking is not in the story at all he might be later but as of now he is just used to show the tyrants view on things.

Thank you for the feedback.

[This message has been edited by matthew (edited April 05, 2005).]