As many of you will know, I'm a complete newbie novelist.
I'd like some opinion of this small section I've taken from the story i'm writing. I'm particularly interested in this bit, 'cos it focuses on a section of dialogue. Which I'm not that experienced at.
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She strolled past the men and straight into the inn.
The bar room seemed remarkably dim considering the brightness of the day outside. The only other person in there greeted her as soon as she stepped inside.
‘Sorry to disturb you,’ said Alysia consciously speaking as politely as possible. ‘This place was recommended to me. I’m looking for somewhere to stay for a few days.’
‘I’ve got one room available. As it happens somebody checked out this morning – without paying,’ said the innkeeper. Alysia got the feeling she was being visually assessed and was conscious that she had been wearing the same clothes for the last few days.
‘Lucky for me then’ said Alysia and leant forwards on the bar, offering the innkeeper an improved view of where his eyes appeared to be focusing.
‘It’s one of the smaller rooms, however the bed is of good standard and size,’ said the innkeeper. ‘The rent is on a per person basis. Is there just the one of you?’
Alysia could tell that he was keen to find out if she had a man friend. ‘I’m on my own’ she said.
‘I’ll need a weeks rent off you upfront. We’ve had so many coming and going just recently, this morning was the second time I’ve been left short.’
Alysia lifted her head skywards as though looking in the direction of the rooms on the next floor up. Her tight cleavage was now on full display. She held her pose for a moment and then quickly looked straight back at the innkeeper, catching him staring. She smiled and said ‘Can I call you by name?’
‘Of course, people around here call me Finch’. He was clearly embarrassed.
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okay, it might be a bit more than 13 lines. But this isn't the opener.
Oh. I just edited this bit in - It might help set the scene a bit if I tell you that prior to this segment, I try and let the reader know that the main character doesn't have any money & is trying to hustle the room for free.
1 last edit. Please could somebody tell me if i've punctuated this bit correctly as well:
‘Well let me think. He mentioned that this was a very friendly little place, over brimming with hospitality...’ as she spoke a door behind the bar --out of Finch’s view opened quietly, ‘…very clean and well run…’ a plump, weather beaten woman was revealed in the doorway, ‘…with attention to detail…’ Finch leaned even closer.
Thanks.
[This message has been edited by benskia (edited April 04, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by benskia (edited April 04, 2005).]
Two things that could be improved:
Instead of - "The only other person in there..." - How about just introducing him as "the innkeeper"?
Really no need to say "said Alysia" if we are familiar with her already. Better to say something like. - She made an effort to speak as politely as possible. "Sorry, to disurb you..."
A couple of other things did bother me about the frag:
I know you didn't mean it this way, but this section:
quote:
Alysia got the feeling she was being visually assessed and was conscious that she had been wearing the same clothes for the last few days.‘Lucky for me then’ said Alysia and leant forwards on the bar, offering the innkeeper an improved view of where his eyes appeared to be focusing.
This made me think that she was being visually assessed due to the fact she was wearing dirty clothes. So then, when she leans over to let him get a better look, it seemed like she wanted him to see the dirty clothing better. I know that's not what you meant, but that's what it sounded like.
This phrase bothered me too - "tight cleavage" - How is cleavage tight? Maybe firm, or well-defined, but tight?
For what it's worth.
Also, you were right about her being visually assessed because of the dirty clothes. I cant find a way to make this much clearer maybe you or somebody can help. I'm trying to make the innkeeper seem a bit unaccomadating at first and suspicious because he's already been ripped off once already. That's why she's conscious of her clothes because she looks like she doesn't have money.
But, she also needs to look sexy enough for her to lead him on a flirt with him.
Tough dilema huh?