----"H"----
Professor Charles Deanwick of Junga Farlow University walked down the street. It was a beautiful day, no major crimes had been commited just yet and as far as Deanwick cared, there wouldn't be any.

"Oh, sorry there little guy," Deanwick apologized as he bumped a little seven-year old boy on the sidewalk. The kid turned around and bit Deanwick in the leg and started foaming at the mouth.

"Ow, dumb kid!" Deanwick rubbed his leg where it was already beginning to fester and get infected. Deanwick just shrugged it off and kept walking.

"Heads up!" a voice yelled as a car was thrown into Deanwick. Poor guy never saw it coming.

-Later-
Deanwick looked around and saw himself surrounded by flames.

"Huh...I must be in Hell." Deanwick nodded, looking around. No doubt about it. It looked just like the place Jr. High students always seemed to mention at least three times per converstation.

"Uh, I'm sorry sir, but we don't use that word down here." A man wearing a pinstripe suit walked up to Deanwick.

------------

That's pretty lame, but I had to shorten it down, so just what can I do to fix it?

[[Note from Administrator: it's closer to 13 lines now. ]]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 09, 2005).]
 

If you're going for comedy, I'd tone down the insanity on the story.Reading it a second time, it did make me laugh a few times, but it'd of been preferable if it I laughed the first time.

I liked the idea of Hell being booked, and Deanwick being escorted to a public restroom. I don't know if he should think that's "Sweet" though. From what you wrote it seems like nothing bothers him or makes him glad. Maybe have him making a remark about a bathroom or something.

If this guy is going to Hell, then I'll see you all there.

How long is it? I'd be intrested in giving it a look, though I can't promise anything. I'm new at this whole thing.

Edit
Oh yea, there is only room for one Mr_ in these forums. so I challange you to a duel!

[This message has been edited by Mr_Megalomaniac (edited April 06, 2005).]
 

Can I read the whole thing?

Here's some suggestions as you asked for:
---
Professor Charles Deanwick of Junga Farlow University walked down the street. It was a beautiful day, no major crimes had been commited just yet and as far as Deanwick cared, there wouldn't be any.
---
Unfortunately the end of this paragraph seemed about the weekest of the lot to me & it's right at the beginning for the piece too!
It had me confused because I dont know why a professor would be specifically thinking about crimes. If he was a cop walking a beat, then it would fit fine. But a professor not caring that there wouldn't be any crimes? Maybe change this to say the day was beautiful so far, but he knew it was about to change when he got infront of the pompous rich kids at his high profile university or something??

---
"Ow, dumb kid!" Deanwick rubbed his leg where it was already beginning to fester and get infected. Deanwick just shrugged it off and kept walking.
---
It was festering and getting infected already? I thought this was going to be a zombie story when I read this. I dont think a reaction would happen anywhere near as quick as that. I know this is comedy and fiction, but I think things are funnier when they are realistic as well.

---
"Heads up!" a voice yelled as a car was thrown into Deanwick. Poor guy never saw it coming.
---
Bring in the professors point of view a bit more. Instead of the last sentence, you could put something like 'Deanwick turned just in time to get a facefull of windshield'???

---
"Huh...I must be in Hell." Deanwick nodded, looking around. No doubt about it. It looked just like the place Jr. High students always seemed to mention at least three times per converstation.
---
Good one. You just reminded us he's a professor

The rest of it was fine.

I agree with ben though on the first paragraph sort of... having him thinking about crime like that that seemed out of place... out of place in a confusing way that's not funny, as opposed to all the wrest of the out of place stuff...

"Professor Charles Deanwick of Junga Farlow University walked down the street. It was a beautiful day, no major crimes had been committed just yet and as far as Deanwick cared, there wouldn't be any.'

If it was me, I'd probably keep the beginning and just drop "and as far as Deanwick cared, there wouldn't be any."
Then it's completely out of place, and keeping the right rhythm...

If you've finished the rest, I'd be ever more than willing to read it and give you a fuller opinion.
And you keep up that over 13-line rebellion, you crazy anarchist, you (I think it's better to just get the point get finished rather than sweating over the line numbers anyways)...

[This message has been edited by RavenStarr (edited April 07, 2005).]
 

But did you notice how nearly every paragraph is similar? There's dialogue, then it's a new character introduction followed by an action.

Consider introducing a person before they speak here and there. Mix it up. Give us some action. Then some dialogue. Then streaks of pure dialogue. Then some introspections. You know... There's plenty of ways to skin a cat and set it on fire, eh?

And, the 13-line rule is per site guidelines. "She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed", aka Kathleen (site admin), would strongly prefer you follow the site's rules. There are plenty of good reasons for doing so, too. I'm just too lazy to write them for the umpty-umptieth time.

Good luck.
 

You're writing a type of comedy that is relying greatly upon a certain rhythm to keep playing out, if you stop and think about it too much, then that rhythm could be lost.

Read or watch "Clock Work Orange" for another decent example.

[This message has been edited by RavenStarr (edited April 08, 2005).]
 

Better send me the joke.

[This message has been edited by Mr_Cuddlebunker (edited April 08, 2005).]
 

The kid was foaming at the mouth -- why?

A car was thrown at him -- who threw it? How -- some monster car-throwing machine?

If I thought I'd get some explanation of these things happening, I would be hooked! But since you went by so fast, and then killed the man, I thought, he's just casting off cute lines and I'll never find out about the car-throwing!
 

Although, still standing by my statement of just keeping it flowing till you’re done, I also agree with wbriggs that you need to meat it up with a tad bit more bulk. You may wish to get a second party to assist you when you get to that phase... one other than the online help (sometimes it's better to have someone in front of you). You have to have at least one friend with a sense of humor that coincides with yours closely enough that you can work together even if it's just for bouncing stuff off of.

[This message has been edited by RavenStarr (edited April 11, 2005).]