Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Spirit Who Owned Half of Everything

This is topic The Spirit Who Owned Half of Everything in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Just Jo (Member # 2479) on :

Okay, here's another one. It's trade-with-the-devil story, inspired by a panel in Neil Gaiman's graphic novel series Sandman. It's roughly 2K words, and anyone wishing to read of more of it and provide me with a bit of sweet pain is more than welcome.

---------first 12 or 13 lines here---------
"Everything? That's a bit much, don't you agree?"

Mr. Asmodeus frowned at Demi in mock consternation. He adjusted his crimson scarf, shivering slightly in spite of the warm mid-day sun steraming through the windows.

"I think it's a reasonable offer. Your master wants my soul and I'll gladly part with it. If the price is right. Think about
it, the pristine soul of a young virgin, devout and unspoiled...Surely that's worth everything in the world to you and your
master?"

Demi saw the reaction of Mr.Asmodeus' face, the slight bulging of his eyes at her mention of the word "virgin" and the quick out-in motion of his tongue licking his lips, and she knew she'd already half won.

"I shall have to contact my superior in this matter, I'm afraid", said Mr. Asmodeus, while he reached into the inside pocket of his coat to retrieve a bright red cellular phone.

"Will you excuse me for a minute or two?"

---------------end of first 12 or 13 lines----------

Greetz

Jo (Just)

[This message has been edited by Just Jo (edited April 08, 2005).]

[This message has been edited by Just Jo (edited April 09, 2005).]

Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :

*post removed by HSO*

[This message has been edited by HSO (edited April 09, 2005).]

Posted by Just Jo (Member # 2479) on :

Damn where have all my lines gone to? Stupid copy paste! Grumblegrumble while he corrects his lines...

Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :

I'm hooked, but I'm having two problems with this beginning:

1.
Since I was not entirely clear on who spoke the first line, I had to do a bit of deduction to figure out who was speaking next.

This was my thought process:
The first person asks, "Everything? That's a bit much, don't you agree?"

Then the next line describes Mr. Asmodeus frowning. I thought the frown was his response to the question at first.

Then I read the part about the reasonable offer and the young virgin (who is traditionally female) and I was thrown into a bit of a tailspin because I thought it was Mr. Asmodeus talking.

Then I stopped and started rereading it.

2.
I am not sure who's POV I am supposed to be viewing the scene through. At first I thought it was Mr. Asmodeus because:
a. He was the first person named, which does not always indicate the POV character, but since readers are entering a "new world" they instinctively latch onto the first "guide" they can find.
b. Because he "shivered in spite of the warm mid-day sun," which at the time sounded like an internal thought to me.

Then later I'm confused because "Demi saw the reaction of Mr. Asmodeus' face...and she knew she'd already half won." That's certainly internal, so then I thought it was supposed to be from Demi's POV. So I stopped and reread the beginning again.

Is this going to be Omni?

Posted by Just Jo (Member # 2479) on :

Okay that should teach me a lesson: never post my 13 lines on a PC which has unreliable display. It looked fine when I posted it. Anyway, it's cured now. Bring it on!

Thanks HSO for the suggestion and the help.

@Newbys: the confusion probably resulted from the lousy formatting. Which emphasizes my lesson learned
It's not omni, it was just lousily formatted.

Greetz

Jo (Just)

Posted by Mr_Megalomaniac (Member # 2478) on :

I'd like to give it a read. I have alot of school stuff going on, so I don't know when I could get it back to you.

The only real problem I have is with the first line, because I don't feel I really know whose saying it, though I think it's Mr. Asmodeus.
I wouldn't say the POV is throwing me off, but I do think you need to be a bit more descriptive with what's going on when it starts off, but they not be a problem in the full version.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I'll read. My only comment so far (beyond issues previously raised) is that Demi made me think Demi Moore, which made me think Ghost (the movie), and that train of thought distracted me from the deal -- so you might pick another name.

Posted by Eadwacer (Member # 2393) on :

I'm willing to read it. (It's inspired by the Sandman, that's a good sign). But I don't have that much to say on the 13 lines given.

Posted by Just Jo (Member # 2479) on :

Damn, my PC is going nuts. Can't open the page with you guys' mail addresses...If anyone who was interested still hasn't received the story, please mail me so I can send it over...

Greetz

Jo (Just), who will try again from home tonight, where hopelly things are better