Here's the first 13 of what I came up with for The First Line this time. I suspect it's way too dorky to actually send in but I'd like some opinions besides mine. Looking for a few readers for the whole thing. It's a short one, just under 500 words.
Please don't bark at me for the cliches; they're deliberate.
As the warrior guided her horse back home, she pondered what the future might hold. She hoped it would hold Chinese food. Miranda, Warrior Princess of Xor, had been battling the Forces of Evil for 8 long hours, with only half an hour break for lunch, and now she wanted egg rolls. She kicked the horse with her heels, and it broke into a faster gallop, and her long ebony hair streamed out behind her like a banner. Her mouth was watering. Sesame chicken, maybe.
The forest was dangerous under the best of circumstances. Any traveler could be set upon by brigands or trolls or worse. Miranda was safer than most, because of her extraordinary skill with a blade and her unparalleled cunning. But even she would not be safe if she lingered in the forest after dark. Already the light was growing dim and murky. Another ten minutes, she guessed, and the path would be totally dark, and she would be vulnerable to attack from the dreadful creatures of the dark. She barely had enough time to get safely out of the forest.
Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :
Egg rolls are cool. I'll read.
Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :
I'd be willing to read.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I'll read.
Posted by Edythe (Member # 2488) on :
I'll read too if you want.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
Thanks! It's on its way.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
I'd love to read it.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
cool, thanks! I'm going to make a few changes based on what I've gotten back so far, and send that version out to Mary and anyone else who wants to take a look. Apparently it is worth bothering with, so I shall proceed to bother.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Him, so that use of "his" in Mary's version was her own fault somehow? Shameful
500 words, huh? I'll try it on. I'm nitting you on "Chinese food", though. That's worse than giving her a notebook computer...though letting her look up her possible mealtime destinations on a high speed internet connection might actually work
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Hey, Survivor, you had a chance to stop me months ago.
quote: As the warrior guided his/her horse back home, he/she pondered what the future might hold. [Note: The author may choose the gender]
Posted by jimmyjazz951 (Member # 2443) on :
I would like to give it a read.
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
Dear kind Beth,
I believe I owe you one.
I'd be honored to read your revision.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
ok, the somewhat-modified next version is on its way.
Survivor, I am completely mystified by your Chinese food nit.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
"Chinese food" indicates a scale too large to fit in a typical fantasy milieu, particularly one in which people travel by horse. Using a horse, you would have very little chance of riding from somewhere that didn't have Chinese food to someplace that did have it. Either everyone eats it, or no one does. If you were to scale it back by saying "Shang-hai style cuisine" or something, that would make sense.
The alternative is to make your fantasy world clearly atypical, hence the notebook with a high speed wireless connection (or, you know, whatever).
As for you, MR, just you wait.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
oh, I see. Of course.
I'm pretty sure the full text will deal with that concern.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Yeah, Mr. Peterson did the trick for that, alright Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
I've worked for Mr. Peterson before. You nailed his character.
Posted by limo (Member # 2470) on :
Hi Beth,
This made me smile. If you need any other readers I would love to read the final.
Li
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
Courtesy of HSO, Mr. Peterson now has a comb-over.
Thanks, Li - I think I'm good to go, though.
Posted by benskia (Member # 2422) on :
Hi. I'll read it. Bit worried about how the egg rolls / chinese food fits in & whether it continues through the rest of the story. Would like to find out.
