Ok, here is a fragment (actually as of this post it is the entire story so far, haha, I have nothing else written) of something I have been meaning to write for a long time, and signing up for this site has gotten me to do. So anyway, let me know what you think of the silliness, and feel free to tear it apart, I have nothing invested in it thus far. Thanks!
Dragons’ hoards are always guarded by dragons. With this in mind, Brent wondered just why a penguin was guarding the cave of treasure. Brent craned his head, trying to catch a glimpse at what lay in the chamber behind its unlikely ward. The penguin, holding a lantern and a rather large knife (a sword to him, really), remained motionless. Brent shrugged, and strode forward. “You shall not pass.” Brent stopped, taken aback. “You talk?” “How many times must I have this conversation?” The penguin motioned with his knife to human remains in various states of decay. “When one encounters a penguin with the unusual characteristic of carrying a knife and lantern, and who guards a dragon’s hoard, one can assume certain other unusual qualities, such as the capacity for speech. Also, I must bring to your attention that what I am guarding is indeed a dragon’s hoard, which would presumably be guarded by a dragon. Seeing that there is no dragon here, one could assume that it has been dispatched by the current guardian (that would be me), which would make me, one once again could surmise, quite a penguin to be reckoned with.”
[This message has been edited by Kazander42 (edited April 19, 2005).]
Posted by Jaina (Member # 2387) on :
That's great fun! I like the penguin. It's just bizarre enough to be hilarious.
The penguin's speech is a little bit over the top for me. That last sentence espeically took me a couple of reads to figure out.
Other than that, I was hooked. That was just crazy enough to keep me reading.
Posted by Elylith (Member # 2500) on :
What an adorable start for a story! I’ve always loved penguins (so you won me right there), and it did remind me a little bit of The Black Knight from Monty Python and The Holy Grail. I think it was probably the first sentence of ‘You shall not pass.’ Anyway- It’s a great start, and seems like it would be a lot of fun to read. I can’t wait to see where you go with this.
A few things that bothered me though:
The penguin motioned with his knife to several skeletons in various states of completeness. There’s really nothing wrong with this sentence, but I suppose I was expecting perhaps instead of completeness maybe something like decay? So it would read ‘The penguin motioned with his knife to several skeletons in various states of decay’. It’s really a matter of style and word choice though, just my opinion.
Also, I must bring to you attention that what I am guarding is indeed a dragon’s hoard, which would presumably be guarded by a dragon. Only thing here is a slight nit pick at a typographical error- you to your
And, agreeing with Jaina, the speech from the Penguin, the last sentence in particular as well, made me re-read it to clear up the confusion. Seeing that there is no dragon here, one could assume that it has been dispatched by the current guardian (that would be me), which would make me, one once again could surmise, quite a penguin to be reckoned with.” I believe it’s the phrase “...one once again could surmise...” that is making me question the sentence and look at it again. Maybe just taking it out and re-writing it with something like ‘Seeing that there is no dragon here, one could assume that it has been dispatched by the current guardian (that would be me), which would make me quite a penguin to be reckoned with.”
Anyway! Enough of the nit picking, and it’s such a great beginning. I can’t wait to read the rest. :-)
Posted by jhust (Member # 2499) on :
I like this! It hooked me almost immediately. The tone is well done, and I got a strong mental picture.
Posted by Kazander42 (Member # 2505) on :
I'll def. have to change that last sentence, which is a shame, because I really like it. The problem is it has to be read aloud in a John Cleese voice with all the pauses and inflections done just right; it has obviously fell flat on the page. Thanks.
Posted by RetinoBlastoma (Member # 2228) on :
How exactly does a penguin hold a lantern and a knife? I had trouble picturing this.
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
Yes, I had a little trouble with the imagery of a penguin being able to hold those particular objects... using his little penguin flippers, I suppose?
But, seeing as this is a Penguin To Be Reckoned With, we shall suspend disbelief and await eagerly what else the P.T.B.R.W has to tell us.
Posted by Shendülféa (Member # 2408) on :
Man, I loved this! It's really hard to get me hooked on anything, but with this one, I was hooked immediately. Nice work!
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I'm hooked too. I want the penguin to shut up -- he's rather wordy -- but the narrator itself is doing fine.
Posted by Kazander42 (Member # 2505) on :
Unfortunately wbriggs, the penguin will not shut up . Rupert (I have decided on a name) will, in fact, chat up a storm, as well as pantomime and possibly even dance. Keep an eye out for his patented performance of Penguin Fencing shortly into the story.
Also, Rupert has quite flexible flippers, although they are still quite stubby. It adds to the humerous nature of the image, methinks.
Posted by Minister (Member # 2213) on :
I can't add anything to the criticism that hasn't already been said. I really hope you continue with this story -- it caught my eye immediately and drew me in. I love a good light tale.
Posted by Elylith (Member # 2500) on :
Oh no, don't shut Rupert up at all, he's the life of the story! Who wouldn't love an intelligent and possibly insane penguin who's just disposed of a nasty dragon? I just wonder what he wants with so much treasure. . .
Posted by Jaina (Member # 2387) on :
Yes, Rupert doesn't need to talk less, you just need to make sure that he talks clearly. The fact that the penguin is overly verbose is quite a big chunk of its humor, I think. He kind of reminds me of Mr. Peabody in that respect...
Posted by Kazander42 (Member # 2505) on :
I have finished a (very) rough draft of the story, it is currently very small (800 words), I would welcome any critiques of the whole thing, as well as suggestions on how to flesh it out, bring the humor up a notch, make the meager plot flow better, that sort of stuff.
Posted by Elylith (Member # 2500) on :
I'd love to read what you have and throw out some suggestions if ya want :-)
Posted by Kazander42 (Member # 2505) on :
It'll be on its way momentarily
Posted by Jaina (Member # 2387) on :
Oo! Me! Pick me! I know I already have the other one, but at 800 words, it won't add too much to my workload. (Famous last words... but still...)
Posted by Minister (Member # 2213) on :
I tried to stop myself, but I couldn't! (That's a good sign, by the way.) I'd love to see the rest of this. Send it along, please, along with any particular requests you have for the critique.
Posted by Shendülféa (Member # 2408) on :
I'll read, too.
Posted by RFLong (Member # 1923) on :
I'd love to read it. Made me laugh (I guess that has to be said in a Michael Palin voice). Nothing wrong with silliness. Silliness, done well like this, rocks!
R
Posted by Kazander42 (Member # 2505) on :
I would like to change brent's name, I really do not like it, I just picked it out because I wanted to write the story and couldn't think of anything. Help me out please, I am terrible at making names!
Also, Rupert is answering questions on the General Writing Discussion board, maybe he will bless you with a curt and offensive answer.
