Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Heroes of Saragonia

This is topic Heroes of Saragonia in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=000935

Posted by Mcloud313 (Member # 2507) on :

The small village of Vilinstor was full of activity that day. A small boy by the name of Lane Rendor watched over these proceedings from atop the local Inn. That morning the Silver Legion had arrived, the famed Silver Legion. The Silver Legion was one of the most famed military groups in Saragonia.

Their horses wore silver barding and looked very noble, as they prounced into town, their heads held high. They themselves covered themselves in hardened plate mail, and a blade decorated each of their backs. The man in the front looked heavily muscled, and a deeply stern look covered his face.

Thats 13 lines I beleive. Not much for critiquing but there you are!

Posted by Jaina (Member # 2387) on :

Do you want us to focus on just this, or do you need readers for the whole thing? What's the genre? What's the length of the entire thing?

As for the fragment:
You repeat "famed" twice in a row in the first paragraph, which is distracting, and you say "Silver Legion" a lot, too.

quote:
Their horses wore silver barding and looked very noble, as they prounced into town, their heads held high.

Don't need a comma after "noble." Also, I believe the word you want is "pranced," not "prounced."

quote:
They themselves covered themselves

is repetitive, too. Why don't you just say "The riders covered themselves" instead?

In general, it's not a terribly strong hook. I'm just not interested enough to care about a great military group in a tiny town to keep reading.

Posted by jhust (Member # 2499) on :

It *is* quite a bit repetitive. I'll just ask some general questions:

What time of day is it? I ask because Lane is watching the proceedings, but the arrival of the Legion was earlier that morning. So he can't still be seeing them arrive, right?

Why is Lane watching? Just curiosity? Awe? What was he doing before they arrived?
Why is the Silver Legion held in such high regard? Does Lane know why?
Why has the Silver Legion come to Vilinstor? Was it long expected? From the stern looking man, it appears serious.
How many of the Legion are there?
From whose point of view is this story being told?

A few comments:

"...that day."
To me, this pulls me right out of the immediacy of the story. I'd omit it.

"A small boy by the name of" I'd omit this, too. His age isn't really relevant just yet. The fact that he's hanging around on the rooftops might be enough of a clue to his age. I'd probably omit his last name, too, until it becomes important.

"Watched over" makes it sound like Lane is some kind of authority figure. I'd omit the "over".

You may need to think about the things Lane would notice the most. Probably first would be the number of Legion soldiers. Then, how they travel (horses and what kind of formation they travel in), followed by who's leading them. Then, the details like their equipment.

Hope this helps!

Posted by Mcloud313 (Member # 2507) on :

Thanks this helps a bunch. This is a fantasy genre, and I can fix abunch of things now based on your comments.

I dont have an entire thing ready yet, I just have about eight pages completed. I'd like to know what I do wrong most frequently so I can go through and work on it.

I used this small part, because the rules stated I can only use the first thirteen lines. You figure out why the Legion is there a few pages later.

Thanks for the tips however, Ill do some changes and repost the first thirteen lines.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I couldn't tell who the POV character was. I gather others thought it was the boy, but that doesn't seem likely, since he wouldn't think of himself as "a small boy," and we just have that one brief hint at him and then the subject goes back to the panorama -- and we don't know why he finds the panorama significant.

If he IS the POV character, you could start with something like, Lane was as thrilled as any boy his age would be, to see the soldiers in parade. (Or whatever he was feeling.) Better yet, put in something that's a hook -- reading about a boy watching a parade isn't enough to interest me. If he really really wants to be a soldier and daddy says don't even think about it, that would interest me. Some sort of conflict or struggle, or a bit of weirdness with the soldiers maybe.

[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited April 20, 2005).]