Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Patchouli

This is topic Patchouli in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Housed (Member # 2501) on :

(Note: I used 13 lines of word processor and it comes out much longer here, so I'm not sure how long I've made this.)

BACKGROUND: This is an early chapter in a novel that I will try to make a short story with first.

"Haraf'A? Are you sure this patchouli stuff is gonna make us fly?" Irowyn'D asked suspiciously.
"Stop worrying, Iro," assured Ming'U. "All you have to do is put a little under your tongue while singing the Fyre Song and you WILL fly." Ming'U unwrapped the dark, green herb as she lifted it from her pack. "Now let's weave the sky field."
"Bless brass and boil stone," smiled Haraf'A. "The last thing we need is an early dragon attack up here on this cliff."
"We did tell the Guardian Mother on duty beneath Bel'L that we were going to the mines for brass and boil stone to repair Irowyn'Ds sky fence," agreed Ming'U as she circumscribed a large circle with the metals, placing a small pile in each direction of the wind." The girls sat on the ground, forming a triangle around a cone-shaped, copper wire perth. Joining hands, they lifted their faces high into the gently charged Tirr'An wind and began their song, a fast-playing hum that whirred and snapped with electrical pulses. As the copper perth ignited into a fierry whirlpool, bright yellow lines crossed the sky forming a hemispherical net high over their heads. Haraf'A placed a pinch of patchouli beneath her tongue and passed the parcel to Irowyn'D.
"Hara? If this is going to make us fly, how come I have never heard it sung in the Songs of Bel'L?" Iro hesitated, but Hafaf'A had already vanished.

Posted by jhust (Member # 2499) on :

Mingu would probably be better introduced with her own line, rather than interjecting between two characters we are still trying to get our heads around. I think introducing three characters in two sentences is a bit fast to me.

"We did tell the Guardian Mother on duty beneath Bel'L that we were going to the mines for brass and boil stone to repair Irowyn'Ds sky fence," agreed Ming'U as she circumscribed a large circle with the metals, placing a small pile in each direction of the wind.
It's a bit long, but the real problem is that you have a fairly long spoken line before we get to know who is speaking, and then we have to focus not only on who said it, what she said but what she is doing. I'd recommend breaking this up into at least two sentences.

"Bless brass and boil stone," smiled Haraf'A.
I like this line. It characterizes the mischevious kids a bit, but I think it needs to come after the explanation of where they said they were going, in order to get the full effect.

"Iro hesitated, but Hafaf'A had already vanished."
How does Hafaf'A's vanishing matter to Iro? Was Iro planning to ask him another question?

I enjoy the conflicting opinions and hesitation of Iro. I get a strong depiction of his character. The hook of this story, to me, is the gut feeling of Iro that something isn't going to happen like it should, and I share his worry, especially in the last line.

Posted by Jaina (Member # 2387) on :

There are lot of characters here to try to keep track of. I found myself focusing more on trying to keep them all straight than on the story itself. But I think that there's some good characterization in there, it's just too much too soon.

It's got a hook, but not a terribly strong one. Perhaps if you strengthened the feeling that something was about to go wrong, the hook will be stronger.

Also, check this out for the guidelines for posting a story.

Good luck!
-Jaya

(edited to add the link)

[This message has been edited by Jaina (edited April 20, 2005).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I suggest less difficult names. Harafa, Irowyn and Ming would be alien, without being as hard to read.

Also, I thought Iro was another character the first time I read it.

I also suggest going to extremes. If they're giggly teenagers, make them moreso. If they're serious witches . . . well, they're not, or Irowyn wouldn't be suspicious it wouldn't work. You get the idea, I think.

Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :

I'm with wbriggs on the names. I was too distracted by them to get immersed in the story, or even look for other problems.

Posted by Housed (Member # 2501) on :

Thank you everyone for the feedback. Writing in 13 lines is a lot harder than it seems at first. There is an entire universe to some how make sense of that explains so much and there just isn't space. For example, the language does not have gender agreement per se (like Spanish) but mobility agreement--nouns that stay and nouns that move (and coincidentally, women stay and men move, so in that sense, there is gender agreement). So when females take last names, they receive the letter (because we can't translate electrical impulses very well into our alphabet) of their engendering male, who is not really even considered parent or father. The men receive first letter initials also from their sires but will ultimately belong to another warrior tribe. SEE? Since the entire novel becomes a translation of Tir'An songs and stories into English, I would like to keep a smattering of the alien linguistics but understand that readers who are strangers in a strange land need time and motive to adapt to other languages and cultures. I have the same difficulty when I am reading fragments of heavily scienced text. It's just foreign.

So how do you all write 13 lines and include plot, setting, characterization, narrative hook, theme, et al? I have been reading other fragments trying to learn what you do here and have the same problems with them, as you are experiencing with mine.

Posted by Jaina (Member # 2387) on :

quote:
So how do you all write 13 lines and include plot, setting, characterization, narrative hook, theme, et al?

Woah! Hold on, there! You don't need to get all of that and more crammed into thirteen measely lines. That's what the whole story is for. You just have to give enough teases of the most important ones that we'll want to read more, trusting you to fill in the rest of the info as we go. That's difficult, but certainly attainable. Your main job within the first thirteen lines is to make us want more. Give us a reason to care.

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

Yes, I agree. You have a whole story to convey the details. Keep in mind the pace of the 13 lines will also depend, on part, on how LONG your story is. Is it a 100,000 word novel? Then 13 lines just needs to be enough to make you want to turn the page and learn more about the characters. Is it a 2,000 word short story? Then you might want to integrate something more substantial into your 13 lines because every word needs to count.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

You don't sell the story in the first thirteen lines. You just keep experienced readers from quitting.