Another First Line story. 2000 words, Fantasy. Looking for readers for the whole thing, though knock yourself out on the first 13 if you're so inclined. I've got a May 1st Deadline, so looking for readers that can offer a quick turn around.
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As the warrior guided her horse back home, she pondered what the future might hold. The reek of the last two years still clung to her, though she had scrubbed her skin raw after the last battle. So much death. Selra doubted the she would ever feel clean again. But the blood war had come to its end, and Kristan would lay easy within his tomb, his death avenged. Selra had not failed him, as she had so long feared that she would.
Ah, Kristan, my love, it is over, she thought. I return to you and to our home.
But the cold stone that awaited her at home promised no comfort. Only honor had been retrieved by fulfilling her oath, not the laughter. That had broken and lay still from the moment Kristan's life's blood had seeped out between Selra's frantic fingers.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Hoo ya! Send it, send it now!
I can't believe I have to ask.
I love the last two sentences of this fragment.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
oh, geeze. I'm overcommitted right now so I can't read quickly enough for May 1. But good luck, gz!
Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :
I'm also unable to critique right now, but I really liked your opening. Yeah, the last two lines were really awesome.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Oh, if I couldn't read this before May I'd be sorely tempted to claim I could.
But happily, I can
This opening worked well for me, but I stumbled a bit over that "cold stone". I could think of several interpretations, but the most distressing was that I initially thought it was describing some mundane aspect of her house, like the floor or the wall. That signaled a scene change, which doesn't work with the rest of the paragraph, which is still part of the pondering as she rides home.
It's really quite ironic that I would "literally" stumble over a stone in the text
Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :
You certainly have established quite a mood with these few sentences. I also agree that you've got an evocative start, though it isn't exactly my cup of tea (sword and sorcery tropes grate on me after a while). I'd say the only thing that I really didn't like was the first line, but then I can hardly blame that on you, now can I? Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :
Sent to Mary and Survivor. Thanks to everybody else for the comments.
Posted by Minister (Member # 2213) on :
I'll take a look and try to get it back to you within a couple of days, if you'd like.
Posted by onepktjoe (Member # 2352) on :
Hi GZ,
I'd love to give it a read. I can get it back by midday tomorrow if that works for you. Let me know.
Joe
Posted by Three Minute Egg (Member # 2523) on :
I'd be happy to read through and give feedback.
Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :
If you need anymore readers, I'll take a look.
Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :
Sent to Minister, onepktjoe, and Keeley. Three Minute Egg, you don't have an email listed, so perhaps another time.
That's probably enough readers for this one. Thanks for your help folks!
