This 13 is from a story I have begun and have yet to finish. I have about 3000 words written, and if anyone is interested in reading what I have I would love some feedback.
This story is sort of a satirical/fantasy/period piece?
I would like to get feedback on this short part and more if someone would like to read more.
Many saw Jim as a hero; many regarded him as a rogue; still others felt he was a thief; the truth is no one could quite put their finger on what he was. He had been likened to Robin Hood, Long John Silver and a few other despicably likeable characters.
Jim had enough self-esteem for two or three men. He was on the verge of having an ego much of the time, but generally kept it in check. Of course, he had the grand idea of giving the poor more money, but he liked to take his share of the profit, sort of as a finder’s fee. No one could really tell if he was actually doing anything for the poor community or just hoarding it for another reason.
[This message has been edited by EverGlowingHaze (edited April 26, 2005).]
Posted by Shendülféa (Member # 2408) on :
This didn't hook me and here's why: you mention this guy Jim and then give us an info dump about Robin Hood and Long John Silver. In the first thirteen lines, I'd want to know more about Jim. Why do people think of him as a hero? A rougue? A thief? Why can't people put their finger on what he was?
Posted by Jaina (Member # 2387) on :
Jim annoys me more than he intrigues me. Since this is satire, I suppose that's all right, but you might give me something to care about that's going to keep me reading. Even in Hitchiker's Guide, you start out caring--you don't want Arthur's house to get dozed. It's funny, but there's an underlying serious issue that has to be solved, or we won't keep reading. Jim's mysterious nature just isn't enough to keep me going.
Posted by EverGlowingHaze (Member # 2525) on :
It sounds as though I have a lot of work to do on this, such as change the whole beginning. I'll try to rework it some and then submit a revised version.
Posted by EverGlowingHaze (Member # 2525) on :
How about I try a completel different approach to this? If this doesn't work, I would love to get help on what I could do to improve what I am doing wrong.
Jim Fernwood sprung his trap. He was attempting to rob a passing cart that was carrying a dignitary and most of his money. It was easy enough to pull off, but he had no help. By no help I mean there were a couple individuals and a dog with him, but they were not of much assistance.
His “help” consisted of an elderly gentleman with a cane, a strapping young man with the thought processes of an armadillo, and a dog that seemed particularly fond of Jim’s left foot. It was, as he called them, his ‘band of disjointed believers.’ Jim really did not know what that meant, but it sounded good enough to the three that were with him.
As I was saying, he sprung his trap.
[This message has been edited by EverGlowingHaze (edited April 26, 2005).]
Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :
I have to step on this before it turns into another one of those million-revision threads.
It's usually a good idea to wait and get a large amount of opinions before significantly revising your story and posting it again.
Otherwise, what will happen (at least, predicting from previous posts) is that you're going to make a series of miniscule revisions, posting each one, in an attempt to individually appease the demands of a series of critiques. You'll drive yourself nuts, and will end up writing in circles, I promise. Look through F&F for examples of threads where this happened.
My advice would be to take a step back, see what people say, and ask for clarification if needed. But wait a bit before you dive into revisions. Don't be a million-revision poster.
Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :
Yeah, What Jer said. Just say no! Posted by EverGlowingHaze (Member # 2525) on :
Okay, I see what you are saying Jer...I am still pretty new to this whole system, so I am trying to get a feel for it.
So now, I have two starts to the same story posted on here.
What I would appreciate is if each person who wants to critique would let me know which start they think works best, why it works for them, and ideas to improve it.
And I will leave it alone for a while
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
My suggestion: start with the action, in the moment, and don't summarize it, but show it. We'll find out about the POV character's silliness from what he does.
Posted by Edythe (Member # 2488) on :
Definately what Jer said. Take it from one who's been there and done that.*g*
Posted by Callia (Member # 2524) on :
Hi there, i'm just going with your first post in order to stay consistent with the others. It could serve the character (JIM) best if you don't divulge too many nuances about his character in the POV but rather put him into action that serves the kind of character you want him to be to your reader, i.e., robbing the coach of a poncie fat nobleman, but doing so wihout malice and with a conscience, then stashing the booty somewhere secret, like below the tile of a monastery, under a sacred statue ... just ideas. At first what you say about Jim sounds to confusing about what you him to be to the reader. I would rather see him in action . . . i would love to read more.
Posted by shadowynd (Member # 2077) on :
Ditto to wbriggs and Callia. With your second beginning, for instance, show us about the old man, dumb lad and the dog. Have Jim waylay the cart and tell the lad to hold the horse. Perhaps the horse picks up a leg and the lad goes over and holds it down. Next it swishes its tail and he goes to hold the tail still. We see for ourselves that this boy has "the thought processes of an armadillo". (That's a phrase I liked, btw. Maybe have Jim mutter it aloud at some point?)
Have the dog start humping Jim's leg in the smack middle of the robbery, with Jim having to shake it off, cursing at it. Maybe the old man falls flat on his face when his cane slips during the getaway?
It becomes far more engaging if you let us SEE the characters for ourselves, rather than just telling us about them.
I hope you post the final rewrite of your first 13. I'd say the story has great comic potential!
Susan
Posted by enwalker (Member # 2515) on :
First off, I like the 2nd version better than the first. Next, I was confused about the time period. I had to go back & figure out why, and I think it was the mention of Long John Silver, which must have started a mostly subconscious train of thought like this: Treasure Island... published about a hundred years ago... this is a story about relatively modern times. This was SO firmly established in my mind that when I read your revision, I didn't SEE "cart" I saw "car". My mental picture of this guy in jeans, with a senior citizen w/cane, and a mutt chewing on his foot, holding up a car was very humorous.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Establish your narrator a bit more solidly or don't use one.
Posted by EverGlowingHaze (Member # 2525) on :
How do you mean, Survivor?
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Exactly.
Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :
Wow, Survivor, even I don't have any clue what that last post meant.
What he meant by the previous post, EGH, is that the narrator refers to himself (or herself, but this is the last time I'm going to bother saying so), as in: "As I was saying...." If your narrator is going to be a real character rather than an invisible way for the reader to find out what's happening, Survivor suggests that you use additional methods of establishing that character, rather than simply indicating his existence through self-reference; or, if you don't want to do that, get rid of him.
Edit: Oh! Now I get it, Survivor.
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited May 01, 2005).]
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
It's like telepathy or something.
Posted by Debbborra (Member # 2538) on :
