Something that felt incredibly evil was trying to get to Erin. As she fled from it down dark twisting corridors she’d catch glimpses around her of a faces, eyes filled with horror. Or hear a scream, or spy hands reaching out to her, pleading for help. She knew her only hope to save them, and herself, was to reach the shining object suspended in mid-air ahead of her in the gloom. Just as she thought she would succeed she woke, bathed in sweat and shaking with fear, unable to go back to sleep.
This wasn’t the first time she had had the nightmare. In fact, it wasn’t the first time this week that she’d had it and she was really beginning the feel the results of loosing sleep. Yesterday she discovered that she had mixed up two of her deliveries. She was thankful that they involved regular clients who understood.
She dragged herself out of bed. A glance out the window showed her that the day was not going to be good, again. 6:30 and still dark, and teeming rain to boot. Groaning, she got dressed for work.
By evening she was more than ready for the day to end, but it wasn’t going to happen. That morning, on top of everything else, she’d gotten a call from a new client asking her to make an evening delivery. Even though she had warned him it would cost double, he was adamant that she come out at 9 p.m. to pick it up.
it's a dream. I suggest noting that it's a dream in sentence #1, if you decide to go this route, as in:
It was the same dream. Something that felt ...
The thing that really annoyed me about this is not knowing what kind of business Erin is in. What kind of deliveries does she make? Groceries? Department store purchases? Antiques? Erin knows what she is delivering, so why withhold it from the reader? As a reader, I am feeling slighted that you will not tell me what the POV character obviously knows. Unless you have a really really good reason for withholding that information, and it becomes apparent VERY quickly... don't!
Susan
I think that if you were to really describe the feeling she got from this unknown force it would be shown to be 'evil' and draw the reader into the story better.
Something very wicked, very malevolent, was trying to capture Erin. As she fled from it down dark twisting corridors she’d catch glimpses around her of a faces, eyes filled with horror. Or hear a scream, or spy hands reaching out, pleading for help. She knew her only hope to save them, and herself, was to reach the shining object suspended in mid-air in the shadows ahead of her. Just as she thought she would succeed Erin woke, bathed in sweat and shaking with fear, unable to go back to sleep.
This wasn’t the first time Erin had had the nightmare. In fact, it wasn’t the first time this week, and she was really beginning the feel the results of loosing sleep. Yesterday she had mixed up two of her deliveries, and as a courier that could have caused big problems. Thankfully they were for regular clients who understood.
She dragged herself out of bed. A glance out the window showed her that the day was not going to be good, again. 6:30 and still dark, and pouring rain to boot. Groaning, she got dressed for work.
By evening Erin was more than ready for the day to end, but it wasn’t going to happen. That morning, on top of everything else, there had been a call from a new client asking her to make an evening delivery. Even though she had warned him it would cost double, he was adamant that she come out at 9 p.m. to pick it up.
Alrighty, let's see. I'll put original text in [ ]
[As she fled from it down dark twisting corridors she’d catch glimpses around her of a faces, eyes filled with horror.]
Maybe I'm a dolt, and too tired, but this sentence was a little confusing, particularly the phrase 'around her of a faces, eyes filled with horror.' Do you mean a face? Or many faces? I assume you mean many faces due to your next sentence so it's probably the a that is getting to me.
[In fact, it wasn’t the first time this week, and she was really beginning the feel the results of loosing sleep.]
Do you mean 'to feel' rather than 'the feel'? And also, I believe its losing, not loosing.
Although you gave a little more information about her occupation- that's she's a Courier- still a little vague and I'm left wondering exactly what she's delivering, but that's enough to keep me reading if there's some sort of explanation later on in the story. Other than that it's pretty good, I'm adament to know exactly what is chasing her in these dreams, and who these other ghostly apparations are. So I would definately keep reading, you've got my interest. Good Job!
Now...about the other 190 some pages...just kidding. But if anyone is willing to critique some other parts I'd love the help there too. - Edy