I'd really like some people to read the whole thing and get back to me ASAP. This is the story I submitted the first page of for consideration for OSC's bootcamp. He really liked the first page and wanted to see the rest, so I wrote it today. I'd also like to consider submitting this to a contest whose deadline is Monday, so that's why feedback would be nice. I'm pretty happy with the first thirteen, just want readers for the whole thing. Thanks, guys!
***
The wagon rumbled and crunched over the scupp shells in the sand. Each time Ann and Edward felt one of them crack under the wheels they shuddered. The hatching could begin at any time.
The two of them sat silent and tense on the hard wagon bench, their simple black and white clothing a sharp contrast to the dun of the beach dunes and the purple shells thrusting up through the sand all around them. Ann clutched her swollen belly protectively, though she knew she would not be able to save the babe within if the scupps hatched before the wagon reached the shelter of the cliff caves.
“We left too late,” Edward said. It had become a litany of sorts.
“We’ll make it,” Ann replied, because they had to try.
Edward struck the scaled backs of the placid undru pulling the wagon again. Ann could have told him it would do no good; the beasts were doing the best they could already. He glared at Ann’s belly before quickly looking away. His look cut Ann to the core. He’s wishing I wasn’t here with him, slowing him down. He wishes we had never tried to have this child.
“And if the babe comes early?” He was taking out his helplessness on her.
Posted by Kazander42 (Member # 2505) on :
I must say, I like these first 13 very much. I would be happy to read the whole thing, although I am not very experienced at giving good critique, I can give it a try. I truly don't have anything negative to say about the first 13, lets hope it stays that way for the whole thing Posted by MCameron (Member # 2391) on :
I'll read.
--Mel
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
This beginning has come a long way from when you first showed it to us! Cool. I'm sorry, though - I'd love to read it but I don't think I could get back to you promptly enough. I'll just have to wait to see it in print, I guess. Good luck!
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I'll read.
Posted by Judas (Member # 2526) on :
This a very good start. It makes me want more. I'll read...please.
Posted by Lanius (Member # 2482) on :
Looks good. I'd love to read it -- if I weren't going to be traveling the next few days.
Posted by shadowynd (Member # 2077) on :
Okay, I'll take the plunge and commit myself. To a full length crit, that is!
Susan
Posted by autumnmuse (Member # 2136) on :
Thanks all, it is on the way.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Sure, I'll try it. Some of the issues that have been mentioned before are still present, but since they're still there I take it you mean to keep them. Doesn't mean I won't comment, but I'll assume you have a reason.
Your POV establishment is still a little slow off the mark, but that's all I'll say for now.
Posted by RetinoBlastoma (Member # 2228) on :
I'll read it.
Posted by Lord Darkstorm (Member # 1610) on :
Send it my way please.
Posted by RFLong (Member # 1923) on :
You've loads of offers, but if you need another I'd love to read.
R
Posted by EverGlowingHaze (Member # 2525) on :
Unfortunately I don't have time right now to do a full read, but I like the first 13. I was fully engaged while reading them.
Posted by autumnmuse (Member # 2136) on :
Thank you all. I have enough readers at this point.
Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :
I'm about to be impolite, but - Can I pretty please read it anyway. I like the scrupp idea and would love to see what you have done with it.
Posted by johnbrown (Member # 1467) on :
I'd like to give it a read. Not sure how to get it though.
Posted by autumnmuse (Member # 2136) on :
I sent it to you.
Posted by Debbborra (Member # 2538) on :
I'd suggest this: The wagon rumbled and crunched over the scupp shells in the sand. Each time they felt one of them crack under the wheels they shuddered. The hatching could begin at any time.
Ann and Edward sat silent and tense on the hard wagon bench,
But I can't tell you why, any better than to say that it felt like you rushed in with the names, because the rule is you have to give the names as soon as possible. This could have far more to do with my feelings about rules than your writing though.
Anyway, I'd be happy to read on, if you'd like.
Posted by autumnmuse (Member # 2136) on :
Actually I really had more than enough readers on this one, though I appreciate the offer.
It has been accepted for publication, though I don't know exactly when it will appear.
