Well this lovely tale came from ... last weeks flash trigger I believe it was? I had a lot of comments about my beginning and so I gave it a quick re-write.
So here are the first thirteen lines- if you want to read the whole thing it's roughly 2365 words- but really just looking to see if I got this whole hooking business right since it seems to be one of my bigger problems. Thanks!
Maggie was holding a finger. There was no mistake about it, there was a finger in her hands- hands that trembled with shock and disgust. She slumped against the door. Her lips quivered as she stared at the offensive object. Her eyes grew wide, and then slowly began to tighten together. She attempted to block the image from her mind but it was futile. The grotesque smell invaded her nostrils and helped to sear the image into her brain- but it wasn’t just an image now, it was a smell too. An image and a smell, and now as she turned it over within her hands, she became aware of the texture. She could feel the rugged flesh that covered it. Her mind screamed the name of the object over, and over; the sound boomed in her ears. Yet still she couldn’t bring herself to utter the word. Her hand struggled to close around the finger. She forced herself to inhale its scent- the scent of rotted blood. She gagged, and her tongue clicked against the roof of her dry mouth.
Posted by RetinoBlastoma (Member # 2228) on :
You've done what I've done many times before - too much description without enough explaination. By the end I already got the point that she was disgusted/confused by the finger.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Suggested [deletions] in brackets, and ADDITIONS in all caps.
Overall: I just want to know what happened. A hint as to how she feels is enough -- then let's go on to some more action.
-- Maggie was holding a finger. There was no mistake about it, there was a finger in her TREMBLING hands[- hands that trembled with shock and disgust]. [PARAGRAPH] She slumped against the door. [AND DELETE THE REST.]
Posted by Judas (Member # 2526) on :
I agree with wbriggs and wondered why she held it for so long. It did make me want more though.
Posted by Jaina (Member # 2387) on :
I agree, it would be a stronger hook if you got past the fact that holding a finger in her hands completely grossed her out. But the idea is so unexpected (and so strangely similar to a conversation we had at dinner last night, but that's only because the girls on my floor are insane) that I might be willing to forgive an excess of description if you cut it just a tad bit and tell me more of what's going on in the very next paragraph.
Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :
I liked the part about the image and the smell, but the texture was too much. After that I was wondering - Why doesn't she drop it?
Maybe keep the stuff before - She slumped against the door. Then pick up at - The grotesque smell invaded her nostrils and helped to sear the image into her brain- but it wasn’t just an image now, it was a smell too. An image and a smell.
I liked the mood and would be willing to read more.
Posted by Debbborra (Member # 2538) on :
Great premise, and while all of the writing was quite fine, I have a personal preference for the succinct. That doesn't mean that everyone must be succinct, but most of us, having grown up on tv sound bites, do better with a quick getting to the point. My suggestion is take out the sentences that you aren't absolutely in love with, and let what's left do the work.
