So, I was wondering if a couple of people could look the whole piece over and give me some feedback, especially if they're familiar with my writing style and can tell me what I'm doing differently (wrong?). Any advice for the first 13 is welcome, too.
I don't know how to describe this except as your basic fiction, with some surrealistic elements. It's about 2900 words, and may not be well edited yet.
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There was no silence deeper than the one that hovered thickly indoors on an overcast winter’s morning. Even before Marni opened her eyes, she knew that it had snowed again while she slept. There was a chill in the air, a smell like the one that lurked in a long-empty freezer. There was a tangibly frigid quality to the light, even behind the heavy drapes. She could hear nothing but her own hitching breaths. All other signs of life were either muffled by the snow or sucked into the clouds. It was barren outside, desolate. Her house had no one but her to fill the oppressive emptiness inside.
She rolled over on the couch, still clutching the scratchy throw pillow to her chest, and opened her eyes to the steady stare of the answering machine’s message light. She curled around the pillow, dragging the knitted blankets up with her knees and burying her face again. Her eyes felt gummy and swollen, her face cold and sticky with dried tears and snot. What had she expected? She had been lying there all night; she couldn’t have missed the call.
It hadn’t come.
***
Thanks in advance for the help!
[This message has been edited by Jeraliey (edited May 01, 2005).]
quote:Send it to me. But how soon do you need it? I'm not sure I'll be able to get it back in time.
There was no silence deeper.... There was a chill.... There was a tangibly frigid quality.... It was barren outside....
Right now, I'm just looking for general feedback, because even though I like this story, it's just not reading right and I'd like to find out what's wrong with it.
Rick and HSO, it's on its way. Any other takers?
Susan
I'm fairly hooked; I want to know about the call.
Suggestion [deletions] and ADDITIONS:
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[There was no silence deeper than the one that hovered thickly indoors on an overcast winter’s morning.] Even before Marni opened her eyes, she knew that it had snowed again [while she slept]. There was a chill in the air, a smell like the one that lurked in a long-empty freezer. [I DON'T KNOW WHAT A LONG-EMPTY FREEZER WOULD SMELL LIKE.] There was a tangibly frigid quality to the light, even THROUGH [behind the] heavy drapes. She could hear nothing but her own hitching breaths. [All other signs of life were either muffled by the snow or sucked into the clouds. It was barren outside, desolate. Her house had no one but her to fill the oppressive emptiness inside.]
She rolled over on the couch, [still] clutching the scratchy throw pillow to her chest, and opened her eyes to the steady stare of the answering machine’s message light. [She curled around the pillow, dragging the knitted blankets up with her knees and burying her face again. Her eyes felt gummy and swollen, her face cold and sticky with dried tears and snot. What had she expected?] She had been lying there all night; she couldn’t have missed the call.
It hadn’t come.
Good luck with this!
-HSO
HSO is a SPEED DEMON!
I'm also curious about why you would choose the name "Mami" for your main character. Again, I can't flag it as a mistake, because I haven't read the story yet.
For now, I'll say that you have a condition "mauve" on the opening prose. I don't know whether that's part of your style or not. If you like, I can read the story and give some general feedback.
quote:
HSO is a SPEED DEMON!
I'm presently determining if I should be offended by this comment...
I'm terribly impressed.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited May 01, 2005).]