Please, if any of you could take a look at the whole 1st chapter, I would really appreciate it. (And if any of you have anything you'd like me to read...I'd be happy to return the favor.)
This is one version of my opening. Is it engaging? * * The first thing Tobias remembered was the darkness. The entire city lay sumbmerged in eternal black. The Nightcity, he called it, for it had no other name. Back then, neither did he; he remembered that very clearly. He was younger in those memories, about four. Unlike the other children he watched, he never feared the dark. The shadows had always been kind to him, talking to him, comforting him. They were all he had back then. Maybe he was one of the shadows, because people, real people, never talked to or looked at him. As if he were invisible. But then, one day, he woke up with a name and an identity: Tobias Miller. He always felt odd about being Tobias Miller. It never felt real. But was the Nightcity real?
[This message has been edited by gaijin17 (edited May 02, 2005).]
Posted by Judas (Member # 2526) on :
My first impression is confusion. If he has a name then in the same paragragh how can you say he doesn't have one?
I think it might be to much info to soon. But there is a promise of a good story in what you have.
I think we need some more details.
Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :
How long is this first chapter?
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I sorta like it. But you are starting out in flashback/backstory rather than with your narrative. That's always a red flag. On the other hand, what you're starting with is interesting in it's own right.
There is a major clarity issue. Is Tobias Miller his name as a shadow, or is it his name to the real world? Both are implied in some ways and discredited in others.
How long is your first chapter?
Posted by gaijin17 (Member # 2539) on :
My first chapter is 3913 words, according to MS Word.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I'll try a crit then.
Posted by Lanius (Member # 2482) on :
I'll give it a try.
Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :
I'll read.
Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :
Send it to me as well.
Posted by TheoPhileo (Member # 1914) on :
If you're still looking for readers, I'll take a look.
If you'd rather wait until you've received feedback & done some editing, go for it, then send it my way.
