Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Baby Talk

This is topic Baby Talk in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=000974

Posted by Judas (Member # 2526) on :

Hello again - I've got a short SF story I'd like to submit to some mags and or contests. It's 3,872 words - here is the first 13. Looking for readers.

Maria and José Garcia live in a quiet Los Angeles neighborhood not far from the hospital where Maria works.

José is a carpenter and is building a small business. They share a small house with José’s Grandfather who will be eighty-five years old in just a few weeks.

Maria and José have a new baby boy name Jesús. Baby Jesús is seven months old with strong lungs and thick black curly hair. He is a good baby; he doesn’t cry very much and hardly ever wakes up in the middle of the night.

Grandpa Garcia always complained that everyone was talking to the baby – like a baby.

“I don’t like all this baby talk, ga ga, goo goo, ga ga goo goo. Now that you’ve got him started he won’t stop.” Indeed baby Jesús seemed to chatter constantly.

When Grandpa hears his son and daughter talking to the baby in baby talk it drives him into his favorite speech on just how bad it is to talk to the baby like that. A speech they have heard a hundred times.

[This message has been edited by Judas (edited May 04, 2005).]

Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :

If this is a whole "Jesus, Mary and Joseph" spiel, then I've got to warn you... it's been done to death, resurrected (pun intended), and then done to death again.

If it's not, then the names have to go.

As for the first thirteen lines themselves.. they are quite solidly written. There's a lot of told story going on here with little breaking it up, but so far I'd keep reading (although, unfortunately, I can't right now).

Posted by Judas (Member # 2526) on :

Well yes, it is a variation of the theme. But i hope it's a very different approach.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I suggest deleting all of this except the dialog, because it's summary rather than story. Just take us to the action (whatever that action is), and if you must explain something, like what Jose's job is or where they live, you can tell us when the need arises. After you pick a POV -- and I hope you do -- you can let us in on Maria's and Jose's weariness with the "no baby talk" speech either by showing one of them thinking it (if it's their POV) or showing their eyes glazing over (if it's Grandpa's) -- rather than telling us they've heard it a lot. More impact.

You've gone for present tense. OK, I don't think it's evil, but I don't see a use for it in this case. If you decide to keep it, I note you shifted tense when you said "Grandpa Garcia always complained..."

You've also gone for omniscient POV. OK, I don't think that's evil, either, but I would only use it if there's a good reason, and I don't see one.

I suspect I'm not going to like the Jesus-Mary-and-Joseph thing, either, but far be it from me to tell someone not to try to breathe new life into something. Good luck.

Posted by gaijin17 (Member # 2539) on :

I do have to agree 1) the names are distracting. Especially Jesus. Makes too strong of an impression on me. It doesnt make me want to read more because I think I already know what the story is going to be about. If you altered the names to something less biblical, then you can still keep your theme without being distracting.
And, 2) I think I'd like it better in past tense. Present tense (for me) tends to bring an immediacy to the scene, but in your opening, there is no reason for the immediacy. I get more of a storytelling approach than anything. Maybe if you had a POV character the present tense would work better.

Try to drop some of the use of the word is.

Send your story my way if you're interested in readers.
-Jana

[This message has been edited by gaijin17 (edited May 06, 2005).]

Posted by Judas (Member # 2526) on :

I do have a problem with tense...the story is supposed to be a telling of something that happened in their past.

I've written only two stories...both with a Jesus theme...I think I'll write a few more.

But here I've only suggested the connection...it's not Jesus it's Jesús - that is, Hey-Zuz. I'm sending you the story Jana,let me know what you think after reading the whole thing. Thanks.

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

This really sounds too much like a summary of what the story is going to be about, rather than a story in itself.

Dig in. Tell us more. Bring us in more deeply--though that's not all that easy to do considering the tense and POV choices you've made. If you can do it masterfully, cheers. If not, consider changing.

I don't mind the retelling. I'm the rewrite queen, after all!

Posted by Judas (Member # 2526) on :

Is it summary or set up? I thought we had to begin by giving the reader some info on the characters - set the norm....I'll try to use more dialogue to do this.

Posted by Judas (Member # 2526) on :

There are about a million Maria's, Jose and Jesús in Latin America....can we not tell their story without it being Jesus connected?

The story is about an event that occured on the planet and how this Latin family got through it - and saved the world in the process....is it a modern day Jesus story? I'm not saying it is.

Posted by Judas (Member # 2526) on :

Sorry, this is present tense...not past. I'll try to improve on this.

[This message has been edited by Judas (edited May 07, 2005).]

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

One thing that makes this sound like summary rather than story is the tense you've chosen. Which, by the way, is inconsistent, jumping from present in the first three paragraphs, then to past in the 4th and 5th, then back to present in the 6th.

But aside from that, the first three paragraphs simply tell your reader information without giving it any meaning within the context of the story. Wait to introduce the important elements until they become relevant. Show us that Maria works at the hospital when it becomes and important part of the story. Show us that Jose is a carpenter when it becomes an important part of the story. Otherwise your narrator is too apparent. He's standing there at the beginning of your story saying: "Hey reader. These are the things you need to know about Jose, Maria, Jesus and Grandpa Garcia. Now you can read the story. Thank you."

IMO, the beginning of the story is this:

quote:
Grandpa Garcia always complained that everyone was talking to the baby – like a baby.

That, without the em-dash, of course. You really don't need it, IMO.

I think the subject matter is intriguing. I don't know why everyone got so bothered by the names. They're probably the most common hispanic names going--BECAUSE they are the names of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. I bet there are a zillion Jose's married to Maria's with sons named Jesus. Didn't bother me, but I wonder if you might be pandering to a sterotype? The only way to know for sure whether it works or not is to write the danged thing and see if someone buys it.

Posted by Judas (Member # 2526) on :

Thanks djvdakota, You're right...I think..the hospital lets you know two things about Mary...she is a working mom, and she helps people...the link to Jose's career is obvious. But that info doesn't seem to lend anything to the story. Perhaps I can bring this out in another way.

I think I may have forgotten to mention that this is a story targeted at juvenles.

I'll re-write and post. Thanks for all the tough love.