Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Gofer

This is topic The Gofer in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=000979

Posted by Judas (Member # 2526) on :

I've completely changed the beginning of my story based on the good advice of a few good folks here. The following is a fragment from the first chapter. The part I'm most interested in getting a response on is where Jay is reading a note left at his apartment.

Mary is the mysterious woman. And through his travels he will meet several women who look just like her...he will eventually meet and marry Mary.

I made the changes based on some good advice, earlier in the chapter she complains about his dreams and his lack of commitment.

Did you ever come to a place in your life when you just knew you were at a crossroad? Time stood still as I sat there trying to figure out what I should do. I was ready to do something because until now…I had done nothing I could be proud of.

Who was I kidding? This was the opportunity of a lifetime and I knew it. I was afraid….maybe even terrified. I was only eighteen. It’s not fair that one should decide his who life in a moment and at such a young age.

It would mean that I could no longer live in this time line. I could only visit long enough to receive instructions and bring back what I had found.

For the rest of my life, with the exception of those short periods of time, I would live my life in the past.

They call us gofers. I guess because we go-for information. Mary called me a gofer. Somehow this job and the dreams of this mysterious woman were connected.

When I entered the bedroom a note was laying on the bed.

[I’m going home to stay with my mother. I know you don’t want to marry me. I’m tired of wasting my time - Judy. PS, don’t try to call me.]

I checked the closets. All her stuff was gone. I guess I should have seen this coming.

[This message has been edited by Judas (edited May 07, 2005).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Quotes wouldn't be correct unless you're quoting him (because he's speaking, or he wrote this somewhere and you're excerpting it). Italics would be correct, but annoying in such large quantities. I think what you have is fine in that regard.

Posted by shadowynd (Member # 2077) on :

Without quotes. I really liked this fragment of your story, until you reached the point about the note. It came out of nowhere, seemingly unconnected to the rest. It would transition smoother to me if you tie in Judy with the part before. Perhaps noting that Judy resents it when your character speaks of his dreams of the mysterious woman, for instance, then go on with the note? It just seemed such a jarring change to me.

Susan

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

I'll agree with what the others have said. If you can give us a hint that he's looking at a note before he reads it. A "He looked at the piece of paper..." sort of thing, then simple italics should do the trick.

Are either Mary or Judy the mysterious woman? Or is that a third woman?

Posted by Dmfitzgerald (Member # 2570) on :

I felt that there are three stories going on here
1. The musings about his place in life.

2. The explanation of the "gofer"

3. Reading the note.

The note part hooked me in. I liked it based on what I gleaned from part 2.

However I felt jarred moving from part to part. Is that the effect you wanted?

Only my 2 cents

Dmfitzgerald

Posted by Judas (Member # 2526) on :

Dmfitzgerald, this is not the effect I desired. But there are a few stories running through this...the note marks the end of a briefly mentioned relationship with an x-girlfriend.