Hatrack River Writers Workshop: One more try!

This is topic One more try! in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by scm288 on :

This is another go at my beginning. Personally, I think it may be the best so far, so here goes:

A noise in the darkness. Thoughts drifting out of control. And then a slit of shadow appears, lighter than the blackness about it. And then the eye completely opens. It’s cold in the room. Really cold, and from the view outside the window, Michael had been woken up in the dead of night. He shivered, and uselessly tried to cover his body with the much-too-small blanket that he had used since he was three. Itchy wool scratched against his legs, and he tried to rest on the wooden plank that served as a mattress in his bunk. His nights usually went like this, drifting in and out of sleep. But this night was different, as he was awoken, not by the cold air, but by a noise in the room.
He looked about the room from the top bunk where he lay, careful not to smack his head on the low ceiling. Nothing out of the ordinary appeared. It was a simple square room, bare of anything except the bunk bed and the window. And upon closer inspection, he realized that the door was open, and Blaise’s sheet was sprawled across the floor. Blaise was out, and that was stupid. Didn’t Father always warn them to keep in bed, or double the work the next day? What could have gotten either of them out of their beds, with that on their minds?

Posted by cklabyrinth (Member # 2454) on :

I don't really get the first part. It seems like it's a flashback due to being in present tense, then the quick switch the past tense once the character is introduced.

And to echo the comments from your previous post, too much use of 'was' in the second half of the fragment.

Overall I'm not hooked really.

Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :

I would be more interested in it if I knew who the POV character was first. Then give me the setting, and then the action/conflict/problem.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

You need to clarify that Michael is waking up in a familiar setting rather than get extravagant with unimportant information that doesn't have a context yet.

With that in mind, you should completly eliminate most of this, but especially the weird opening.

Posted by Void (Member # 2567) on :

The strongest writing starts with "Michael." I'd go from that point. You surely paint a grim picture. I found the last line a bit awkward and would suggest changing it to something like "Under such a terrible threat, what would make him (her?) leave his bed?"
For my part, I'd want something in those first several lines to indicate that these children have reason to hope for a better life, then I would continue reading.

Posted by Dmfitzgerald (Member # 2570) on :

I would edit it down there seems to be alot of "fluf" in the piece. I have the same issue with my stuff.

I look forward to seeing the revision

My2cents

David

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

This abbreviated version might be too abbreviated, but you probably get my point: I want to get straight to the action.

IT WAS STILL IN the dead of night. Michael had been AWAKENED, not by the cold air -- AND IT WAS FREEZING -- but by a noise.

The door was open, and Blaise’s sheet was sprawled across the floor. Blaise was out, and that was stupid. Didn’t Father always warn them to keep in bed, or double the work the next day?