Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Not this old dog again...

This is topic Not this old dog again... in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by JOHN (Member # 1343) on :

I very kinda bad for doing this, but it's been a while since I posted this and I think I've improved it quite a bit (due in no small part to the suggestions made here), and would like someone to take a look at the first chapter for me. See if I'm FINALLY on the right path. We're looking at 2,821 words.

I remain you loyal and humble servant,
JOHN.

quote:
Ginger’s head throbbed in rhythm with Def Leppard’s “Pour some Sugar on Me” which was emanating from every corner of Baby Dolls Gentlemen’s Club. She cringed, knowing the song would stay with her the rest of the night. She watched the loud, bass-filled music shake the cheap, wood panel walls of the dressing room; her headache worsened. “I wanna go home,” she sighed to herself, massaging her forehead, which did nothing to alleviate her headache.

Taking off her clothes, Ginger stared at the reflection of her naked body. She had never spent so much time in the mirror before she had started stripping. Now, it seemed where ever she went her likeness was looking back at her. It was unnerving.
Always comfortable with her appearance, she was concerned about how self-conscious she had become, as things like going to the gym and watching her diet, never major concerns, were constantly in her thoughts. She was able to maintain a trim, toned build while still maintaining her femininity or at least she hoped so. Her shoulders weren’t the least bit broad, her stomach was flat but not rippled with muscle, and she wasn’t so skinny her ribcage was visible. I can’t look that bad, she thought. It’s not like I’m hurting for tips. “Have I grown self-conscious or shallow?” she snorted, unsure if she knew the difference anymore.

Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :

The only thing that bothered me was this sentence:

She had never spent so much time in the mirror before she had started stripping.

Did you mean:

She had never spent so much time in front of the mirror before she had started stripping.

Might I suggest a slight flip?

Before she started stripping, she never spent much time in front of the mirror.

The reason I'm suggesting it is because the next sentence starts with - Now, it seemed ...

Posted by Three Minute Egg (Member # 2523) on :

Send it, I'll read. What time frame are you looking for a response?

Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :

Oh, I would like to read it as well. You have created an interesting character here.

Posted by bladeofwords (Member # 2132) on :

why not, I could use a decent short story to read.

bladeofwords@gmail.com

Jon

Posted by JOHN (Member # 1343) on :

Thanks, guys. I’ll send the first chapter to each of you. There’s no real time frame here. Be nice to hear from you in a week or two.

Thanks again,

JOHN!