This is just an alternate begining I had for my book, but I can't tell if it works or not.
It's not very long, and if anyone wants to read, I would appreciate it if you could tell me if it works, or if I should cut this section out. I'm not putting the whole thirteen in here, because the section isn't that long to begin with.
He discovered his abilities by accident. Tobias remembered that day so well--it was his tenth birthday, the day of his mother's funeral. The funeral was a somber affair: just him, his father, the priest, and a few of his mother's friends he'd never seen before. Tobias expected dreary clouds and rain that seemed to fall forever. The electric blue of the sky and how unbelievably perfect the day was made him wonder if god was mocking him. "Amen," the priest finished, and Tobias echoed the words, even thought he hadn't heard a thing the man had said. As if tuning it out would make it less real.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
comments so far: * I don't think you need so many paragraph breaks * It feels like to me you're starting with an immediate flashback: "Tobias remembered the day." Maybe you could just start with the funeral, without reference to him remembering it later * God is capitalized, unless it's one of many gods * how unbelievably perfect the day was: see my suggestion, for parallelism * If this is anything like my experience, he's seeing not a funeral but the graveside service.
Suggested ADDITIONS in all caps, [deletions] in brackets.
TOBIAS [He] discovered his abilities by accident[. Tobias remembered that day so well--it was his tenth birthday,] the day of his mother's funeral, WHEN HE WAS TEN [CHANCES ARE 364 TO 1 AGAINST THE FUNERAL BEING ON HIS BIRTHDAY, SO UNLESS IT REALLY MATTERS, I'D DROP THAT] [The funeral was a somber affair]: just him, his father, the priest, and a few of his mother's friends [he'd never seen before]. Tobias expected dreary clouds and rain [that seemed to fall forever]. The electric blue of the sky and [how unbelievably perfect] THE PERFECTION OF the day [was] made him wonder if god was mocking him.
"Amen," the priest finished, and Tobias echoed the words, even thought he hadn't heard a thing the man had said. As if tuning it out would make it less real.
Posted by gaijin17 (Member # 2539) on :
Many thanks. I think I'll keep this in as background info, and out of the actual story.
[This message has been edited by gaijin17 (edited May 12, 2005).]
Posted by Dmfitzgerald (Member # 2570) on :
He discovered his abilities by accident. {Tobias remembered that day so well--)it was his tenth birthday, the day of his mother's funeral. The funeral was a somber affair:{ just} him, his father, the priest, and {a few of} his mother's friends he'd never seen before. Tobias expected dreary clouds and rain {that seemed to fall forever}. The electric blue of the sky {and how unbelievably perfect the day was} made him wonder if god was mocking him. "Amen," the priest finished, and Tobias echoed the words, {even} thought he hadn't heard a thing the man had said.{ As if tuning it out would make it less real.}
My opinion would be to cut out the parts that I've put in {} but thats just my 2cents
Keep up the good work
David
Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :
Send it to me, since I already read the other chapters.
Posted by Mr_Megalomaniac (Member # 2478) on :
I haven't posted here in forever it seems like to me. Figured I'd give school finals a focus, but then after those things got way way busier than I wish I was, but I'll hopefully be able to find some time soon enough to give it a read if you send it.