Here are the first 13 for a sf short story I'm working on. Not looking for readers yet, just the effectiveness of the hook.
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Bradley heard the warning bell ring and began concluding his day’s work. He sorted the rolls by color and tidied up his work station, then stood erect. Three minutes later the recog bell rang, and his eyes glazed over as he gained awareness of his surroundings.
He contemplated the warehouse in which he stood – today his job had him installing electrical wiring. It made no difference to him. He was fully rested from his work, and his sixteen leisure hours for the day had begun when he regained consciousness.
Bradley left the building and was surprised to find himself in the downtown portion of the metropolis. He was one of the first out, and, after a few moments, thousands of people who had also just been released from work flooded the once-deserted street.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
It looks like there's an interesting premise here. I wonder about the first line, "Bradley heard..." It implies that he's concious of it, but the rest of the fragment seem to indicate that it's more of a Pavlovian response.
"He sorted the rolls..." What are the rolls? Tape, buns, film, wire?
I'm curious, and would read further.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Yeah, it works. Ditto MR's comments about making Bradley an active subject before he regains consciousness and the confusion about the "rolls". I was thinking they were bread rolls, and even after I knew they weren't I still couldn't figure out why he would bother sorting them by color. But that's all pretty minor. it seems like an interesting opening.
Posted by cklabyrinth (Member # 2454) on :
Hmm, if you're unconscious can you hear something and have it register in your mind? I think you guys are right; I need to add something to specify just what is happening when the two bells ring.
Then I need to figure out where the story's going. I tried writing this without an outline, but it just takes too long and I don't feel I've gotten anywhere.
Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :
I think you have a good idea here that makes your reader want to continue in order to find out more. There is a good hook. The writing needs to be tighten up a little so you don't lose your audience. Examples: "then stood erect." How else does he stand? "his eyes glazed over as he gained awareness of his surroundings." Wouldn't his vision clear as he gained awareness? The glaze thing doesn't make sense. I'm guessing you're going to describe the work concept soon, so questions about how that works would probably be answered.
Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :