“Describe yourself,” she says. Her first words to him. He detects the slight Southern accent. Where is she from? How did she come to be here, in this place, now?
There is music drifting from the rolled down windows of his car. With Wallace there is always music. He surrounds himself with it. Tonight it’s low rock, barely audible, a repeated rhythm of hand drums with a singer rumbling out words, his voice deep. Repeating, repeating.
Describe himself. His reply is halting. “What do you mean?”
“I mean describe yourself.”
He turns and faces her, revealing himself. He holds out his arms. His meaning is obvious: All she has to do is look.
*hangs head guiltily*
[This message has been edited by Troy (edited June 07, 2005).]
I don't see a reason for present tense here.
I wonder why he doesn't know where she came from. Did she just appear in his car? Tell us.
Once you get the story clear and hook-y, then I might have something good to say about your beautiful imagery!
“Describe yourself,” she said. Her first words to him. He detected the slight Southern accent. Where was she from? How did she come to be here, in this place, now?
There was music drifting from the rolled down windows of his car. With Wallace there was always music. He surrounded himself with it. Tonight it was low rock, barely audible, a repeated rhythm of hand drums with a singer rumbling out words, his voice deep. Repeating, repeating.
Describe himself. His reply was halting. “What do you mean?”
“I mean describe yourself.”
He turned and faced her, revealing himself. He held out his arms. His meaning was obvious: All she had to do was look.
[just trying it out]
It's not a bad sounding beginning, but it seems a little ordinary. Make us want more!
Meenie
I totally don't mind the opening, actually. It's quiet, but interesting. Just because something isn't necessarily happening to spike the tension right from the start doesn't mean that tension isn't there, and it DEFINITELY doesn't mean that I'm not intrigued by what I see. Actually, I find the approach subtle, gentle, soft. The very softness of it lends its own tension, making me wonder what's going to happen to disturb the peace.
Good job, IMO. Is there more? Might you be offering it up for the sharks to shred? How long is it?
for example I am changing it to past-tense, because later in the story the time frame jumps around a little and with the present tense it is confusing. You guys suggested past tense, and I have definitely realized it would be better for the story. That, in and of itself, is going to take a while.
But thanks for wanting to read it, I'll come back shortly and offer it to the sharks. Hopefully you won't be the only one interested.