From the Prologue, which is about 1500 words total.

Now, kill it for me...
 

She doesn't seem terribly upset by all this. Maybe that's ok if your intent is humor, but I can't tell.

I didn't feel like I was there. It felt like summary. This could be fixed with sensory information. Something more like "John shoved her down, so that her head hit the ground, and she saw stars." Or whatever.
 

I like the kind of offhand way in which the action is described. It makes me think the story will be funny -- or more accurately, fun to read. Kind of like Douglas Adams, but less in your face about it. Beyond that, I only have some minor comments on things that, maybe (I'm not sure) could strengthen the impression I'm getting. In thinking about them, I guess my impulse is to make the description of the capture and imprisonment more offhand by cutting out as many words as possible -- make it sleek. More like a sketch than a full picture. I would also suggest breaking up the sentence about the cage -- that's a very long sentence with three passives pertaining to Mig and a passive relative clause pertaining to the cage.

Here's the specific suggestions for that part, mostly deletions with a few insertions necessitated by the deletions. (I didn't want to delete the "small and singular" bit -- I liked it, but in the interest of Devil's advocacy, I will pursue my suggestion of minimalism to the utmost.)

***
They were mostly polite about it, even apologetic, but she found herself remarkably unmollified. She tried to run, but they caught her. She kicked and struggled, but they outnumbered her. She was trussed up with little difficulty, carried down the hill to Carnow’s village square, and left tied in a makeshift wooden cage. It was made from a half-dozen hurdles lashed together, and was rapidly disappearing beneath a quantity of dry wood that seemed excessive to the task of roasting one small witch.
***

Well, those are my suggestions. Don't know if that follows the direction you were going in or not, but I thought I'd give my reactions.

Best,

K.
 

Jon
 

Thank you, all.

The tone is deliberately light; the intention is for the humour to act as a counterpoint and, through contrast, actually highlight the horror of what's happening - you're supposed to be amused and then suddenly think "wait, this isn't funny, they're going to burn her alive". Which is probably one of the most horrendous things you could ever do to anyone.

And as for long sentences - definitely part of my writing style (with abundant semi-colons and bracketed subclauses), though there are times when I use very short sentences, too. However, that one could do with a break. At least the cage part should be separate.

So, anyone want the full prologue (or Chapter 0.5) emailed for a more detailed read/analysis/critique?

[This message has been edited by tchernabyelo (edited June 16, 2005).]
 

Anyway, should be on its way when I figure out how to work this thing

bladeofwords@gmail.com

Jon
 

-K.
 

How about reversing the first sentence to: "Early in the morning on a wet Vennerday, Mig Shepherd's friends came to kill her." I like the "kill" emphasize better on the end of the sentence.

I didn't like the term "remarkably unmollified" - seems like you're trying too hard.

The last sentence of the second paragraph is a bit long. Can you break it up.

I wouldn't mind reading the rest - send to fsilv01s@uis.edu
 

kkmmaacc - I hope that one day I am going to develop a thick enough skin to deal with rejection letter after rejection letter, so be as overbearing and presumptuous as you wish.

Dude - The first sentence is structured to make the "kill" casual and unemphasised, and thereby increase its impact... "wait a minute, did they just say "kill"?!" You may be right about "remarkably unmollified", it's certainly borderline, and may have to go. And the over-long sentence has indeed been dealt with.

All three of you; many thanks, and it's on the way.
 

Prologue/Chapter 0.5 on the way.
 

If you need another reader, I've got my hand up.

P.S. I hope you won't take offense, but is there a nickname or a shorter version of your name we could use on the board? If not, it's fine. I'm just lazy (and stupid, I'd probably spell it wrong most of the time).
 

Oh, and void; I accept that "tchernabyelo" is hardly the easiest of nicknames. You could either call me "tcherna" or "byelo", I guess, depending on your point of view. We are all of us angels and devils...
 

Czerny, in polish,is black; bialy (with a funky L that is really a W) is white. I admit that I am a little vague on the spelling.
 

brandonjclark@insightbb.com
 

I loved "Vennerday" and the other proper names, they have a lot of flavor. The comic note is also very good, we're laughing because the characters aren't

Anyway, let me know when you're ready for some readers.
 

Nine critiques may take me a while to analyse and correlate, but I'll send the emended version out when it's done, probably with some general comments about my particular writing style... in particular, the long run-on sentences...
 

I didn't like the flippant / matter-of-fact style of this. I've read quite a few humour pieces where this kind of tone is used & it grates after a while. Sometimes you get the feeling that the unemotional way that events are portayed is the only joke that the author has got.

There were a few people at the beginning of this thread who wondered whether it was intentionaly humerous. I know from other posts that it was indeed meant to be funny, but the only thing that makes it so is the voice of the narrative. I struggle to find anything else funny about it so far.

Sorry.

Everyone else likes it though, so it's probably me who has got the problem.
 

It may be that the others who also don't laugh at this have decided not to comment at all.

For whatever it may be worth, I tried reading a novel by a popular SF author that many of my friends told me was hilarious. As I read, I kept saying to myself, "That's supposed to be funny, and so is that," but I was not laughing.

Humor is extremely subjective, so don't worry if this story doesn't work for you.
 

-K.
 

quote:

---

I didn't like the flippant / matter-of-fact style of this. I've read quite a few humour pieces where this kind of tone is used & it grates after a while. Sometimes you get the feeling that the unemotional way that events are portayed is the only joke that the author has got.

---

It is, so I stop using it after a while

A 150,000-word story wouldn't - couldn't - work if that tone were maintained all the way through. It's one of the reasons why the first 1500 words are tagged as "Prologue" not "Chapter One"; the tone and mood do change even within that (as kkmmaacc notes), and though there are supposed to be odd flashes of amusement throughout the novel (as there are in life), it certainly isn't a funny story.

quote:

---

There were a few people at the beginning of this thread who wondered whether it was intentionaly humerous. I know from other posts that it was indeed meant to be funny, but the only thing that makes it so is the voice of the narrative. I struggle to find anything else funny about it so far.

---

The humourous tone is precisely to highlight the fact that the events taking place are anything but humourous. If there's a more horrible thing you can imagine than having all your friends come visit because they want to burn you to death, I'd like to hear it (because I can probably write a story about it...).

As KDA notes - really, don't feel bad about not finding it funny. It's useful feedback, and I'm not even remotely offended.
 

Seriously, I like the opening line. Everytime I open this thread it makes me chuckle.
 

That said, I thought the events being described were pretty funny. I mean, they hadn't actually set her on fire yet.
 

I've had responses from kkmmaacc, bladeofwords, Dude, pixydust, Meenie and CTBrandon

Nothing, though, from Spaceman, Void and Survivor. Can you guys confirm whether you got it, and if so, whether you've replied? If for some reason it didn't get to you, I can resend it; if it didn't get back to me, hopefully you can resend it. And if you haven't got round to it, or don't have time, then no worries.

Also, pixydust, did you get Chapters 1 and 2 OK?
 

I'll have a new brain fitted some time real soon.
 

the first line: "Mig Shepherd’s friends came to kill her early in the morning on a wet Vennerday."

what if you tried changing the positions of the words, so that the most shocking part of the sentence ("kill her") becomes the last part of the sentence? think of writing a sentence like telling a joke... when a person tells a joke, he/she saves the punchline as being the last part of the joke in order to draw more attention to it.

therefore: "Early in the morning on a wet Vennerday, Mig Shepherd’s friends came to kill her."

i think that gives it more of a surprise, as the reader would "think" that everything is fine... that is, until the writer reveals the last two words of the sentence

also, in the dialogue part, maybe just stick to putting "he said" or "she said." The words "protested" or "told her" kind of distracted me. i think the words that the characters say in the dialogue already show the tone, so no need to use synonyms of said =)

but these are just suggestions =) it's looking great!!
 

Sniffles is emotional blackmail.

If you want chapters 1 and 2, just ask nicely :-)
 

Mig Shepherd’s friends came to kill her early in the morning on a wet Vennerday.
They were mostly polite about it, even apologetic, but she found herself remarkably unmollified by that. She tried to run, but they caught up with her easily enough.

[I'M HOOKED UP TO THIS POINT]

She kicked and struggled but she was small and singular, while they were larger and more numerous.

[CONFUSED A BIT, ARE THEY ALIENS OF SOME TYPE? IT'S A BIT OF A WEIRD SENTENCE FOR ME]

She was trussed up with little difficulty, carried down the hill to Carnow’s village square, and left tied in a makeshift wooden cage, made from a half-dozen hurdles lashed together, while they piled up a quantity of dry wood that seemed excessive to the task of roasting one small witch.

[OKAY BACK IN]

Mathen Cottar was the one who explained it to her.

[SPOTTED COTTEN MATHER AND FELT LET DOWN]

“I’m really sorry, Mig,” he said. “But it’s the law.”
“I’m not a witch,” she protested. “Even if I was… this is horrible. You can’t just burn me to death.”
“Law says we have to,” he told her. “Well, it’s that or drowning, but we had a meeting last night and only two of us voted for drowning. Me, I think it’s a waste of wood. And it’s probably a really horrible way to die. But most people thought we should do it here in Carnow, not go all the way up to Borranmere. I’m sorry.”

[TOTALLY OUT OF THIS NOW. THE TONE IN THE BEGINNING DID NOT SAY HUMOR, AND NOW THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY. I WAS DRAWN MORE TO THE SERIOUS STORY ABOVE]
 

Also, the entire affair seems very upbeat, and rather like a trip to the grocery store or something. If that is the feel you are going for, it is masterfully done. If you are trying for a more serious tone, I would add more desperation to her conversation with Mathen.

Also, when you say her cage was made of hurdles lashed together, I unavoidably think of a bunch of hurdles from track and field events lashed together. It is a rather amusing picture, though not what you intended, I imagine.
 

Interesting you say that the tone in the beginning did not say "humour", but you think the conversation between Mig and Mathen is supposed to be funny. In fact, the light tone at the beginning, the casual way that the unpleasant events are being described, is supposed to be humourous; the conversation isn't, it's supposed to reflect the reality of the situation sinking in to Mig (and I clearly need to flag her hysteria a bit more; to me, the dialogue makes it clear she's panicking, but no-one seems to have got that impression).

lordnequam - the sotry is not intended to be comedy, it's mostly serious though there are some scenes hither and yon that are supposed to amuse. Perhaps I should change the whole tone of the beginning - I am worried that a reader may feel "cheated", expecting that tone to continue when for the most part it doesn't. Good point about the hurdles, though; I'll try and see what else I can come up with. There's always a tough choice to make between trying to "reclaim" proper or older uses for a word, and accepting that it now has a different meaning and moving on.

pixydust - no worries, no hurry, and I'm certainly not expecting any kind of detailed critique on chapters 1 and 2 (they're 15,000 words, after all), just a general impression of shether you think it's working or not.

Meenie - actually, I'm not a great fan of whipped cream, or cherries. But the chapters will be along.
 

To what purpose?
 

It kind of happened by accident. Surnames, in the story, represent people's livelihoods (hence Shepherd; there's also Farmer, Carver, Smith, Miller, etc), while first names are mostly one or two syllables and I'd already come up with "Mathen" as a possibility. The two ideas just kind of came together.

It's probably an unwarranted intrusion and I should dispose of it.
 

I don't think that the responsible reader should have any more of a problem with "Mathen Cottar" than with any other name that clearly reflects the miliue. It didn't even occur to me to connect it to Cotton Mather anymore than I would have connected it to William Wallace.
 

Wellington.DaSilva@gmail.com
 

The first 13 lines cuts off just before she continues her protests. She speaks in ever shorter, choppier sentences as her desperation rises. She repeats herself, the pitch of her voice rises... I'm just trying to work out here what more I can do to "show, not tell" that she is really panicking, she really believes that she is going to die, at the hands of her friends, in a particularly horrible fashion.

Suggestions welcome.
 

See, now I'm just saying "I told you so."

But I don't hate that
 

Also on its way to abby and 'Graff.