Here are the first thirteen lines from a short story that I'm editing (about 10k words). I could definitely use some advice, as starting the action is a hard thing for me to do. This is only the first thirteen lines so the 'hook' doesn't end there (if it can even be called a hook)
Alfun could feel the cold steel sliding into his chest, but didn’t panic. As the blade wounded him he could feel pleasant warmth spreading out into his body. Who could be doing this thing for him? He struggled to open his eyes and see. Yet, the harder he struggled the more that his pleasure was replaced by pain. Terror overtook him and he tried to throw off his attacker.
His eyes flicked open and he could feel the cold sweat trickling off of his forehead. It had only been a dream. Despite his pain, he had not wanted it to end. He wanted to know who had been doing that to him. Now, all he had to show for his terror was an excess of sweat.
A pounding on his door shook him out of his thoughts. How long had the knocking been going on?
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I suggest not starting with a dream. I'm trying to get interested in the sword-piercing thing, and almost immediately, I'm in a different place and time with a different issue (knocking). Also, I was immediately kicked out of the story because I couldn't believe being pierced by a sword was pleasant (this was before I knew it was a dream).
What's the story about? It's no hard and fast rule, but that might be a good place to start.
Posted by bladeofwords (Member # 2132) on :
I see your point, but that leads me to ask for some more advice. The sword piercing is important later in the story and I liked the idea of coming back to it at the very end with the same passage about the same dream. (The story alternates between the present and dreams of something that happened about a year before). Would it be reasonable to have him thinking about the dream as he is walking to the door?
Thanks, Jon
Edit: how about this?
Alfun’s eyes flicked open and he stared at the ceiling. What had he been dreaming about. It had felt so real, but now he hadn’t the faintest idea. A pounding on his door shook him out of his reflection. How long had the knocking been going on? Had he been woken by the knocking and not by the dream at all? He looked around and saw that the sun had been up for some time. How had he slept so late? He pulled a loose shirt over his head and hiked up a pair of britches as he walked into the front room of his farmhouse. He opened the door on five uniformed men, one of them obviously an officer. "Alfun, son of Arnor?" "Yes?" "As Per the Emperor’s Second Act of Conscription...
Is it bad form to post a different thirteen lines in the same thread? Somebody please tell me if it is.
[This message has been edited by bladeofwords (edited June 15, 2005).]
Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :
Much better. I'd be willing to look at the whole thing if you can wait about two weeks.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Yes, we're asked to post only the first 13 lines. (But a revision is ok.)
I thought your revision sounded reasonable. I wouldn't want an immediate flashback to a dream.
Posted by Shi Magadan (Member # 2260) on :
Something about the rhythm of this passage doesn't work for me. My mind can't seem to grasp the flow as I read it. I think part of the problem is your use of the word "had."
Posted by bladeofwords (Member # 2132) on :
Wow...how did I not realize that I use 'had' in almost every sentence? How could I fix that without changing the entire story to a different tense?
[This message has been edited by bladeofwords (edited June 16, 2005).]
Posted by bladeofwords (Member # 2132) on :
I decided that I would post this here, instead of starting an entirely new thread. I've finished my first edit of the story and would like some feedback. The story is about 9k words . Genre is fantasy. I'm looking for readers of the whole thing. General and specific comments are both welcome.
Jon
Posted by benskia (Member # 2422) on :
I'll take a read. The criticism will be more general that word by word analysis.
Posted by KevinK (Member # 2664) on :
If you dont have the dream sequence in the beginning, be sure to put it in somewhere else. I liked it. The cold steel sliding in...pictured it perfectly, and was amused by his reaction. Drew me in, if for no other reason than to find out why he found some bit of it pleasant. So, if you do drop it, cuz your revision is nice as well, I'd recommend putting it in somewhere else.
Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :
To me, the opening dream sequence sounds like the love scene from a bodice-ripping romance. Did you intend that? Sorry, but it seemed kind of funny and a little creepy. Reminded me of Yukio Mishima.
Yes, I'll admit, I've read a few bodice-rippers in my time.
And you are all free to now begin your Freudian analysis of my statements.
Posted by bladeofwords (Member # 2132) on :
Bodice Ripper Enjoyer! Shame! :-)
I sort of meant for it to sound like that. I hadn't visualized it perfectly or as definitely as you just stated it, but the general feeling of sensuality was there.
I'm not sure if you'll be happy with it, but the "bodice ripping" scene is used again.
Jon
Edit: Spaceman and Benskia, I have sent the story and it should be on its way. If you don't get it let me know and I'll send it again.
[This message has been edited by bladeofwords (edited June 23, 2005).]
