First paragraph of something I just started for that cliche anthology posted in another thread. Looking for feedback on the first paragraph. Only about 200 words done so far, so there isn't much more to read.
//
Shannon pressed the door firmly closed before embarking on the long walk to the rationing station. Today marked the sixth anniversary of her arrival at the Antarctic Indiginous Reservation but she still wasn't used to the bitter cold. Shannon's mind drifted to the memory of a warm Phoenix evening from somewhere in her childhood. she shook it off to concentrate on the task at hand--collecting the week's food ration for the family.
Posted by bladeofwords (Member # 2132) on :
This doesn't have much punch. That's not to say that it's boring, but that it just hasn't leapt off the page at me yet. It's not bad, it's just not amazing. I would like to read a little bit more. I'm pretty sure that you misspelled Indiginous, I think it's "ingidenous." Does her mind drifting to the Phoenix evening do anything other than show that she grew up in a warm climate and isn't used to the cold yet? Not used to the cold after six years? She's not even used to dealing with it? I've known people who were used to long frozen winters (as opposed to Texas) within a few months. Granted, they didn't go to Antarctica.
Jon
Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :
I haven't run it through the spell checker because I wrote it on my PDA at lunch today.
I chose Phoenix for two reasons. The first was to illustrate that people from other parts of the world have been relocated to Antarctica. The second was that I live in metro Phoenix, and it was 107 today. Seemed to me the obvious choice for contrast.
What if I started the story like this?
Shannon waited until the Eenie-Meenie passed out of sight before she embarked on the long walk to the rationing station. (the rest the same)
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Thing is, embarking on a long walk doesn't get me excited.
If there _is_ something to make this tense, tell us, and I may be hooked.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I think that the idea of Eenie-Meenies rounding up the humans and putting them all in Antartica is a wonderful take on a great cliche.
But it doesn't look like you have much more than what you've posted thus far.
Posted by kkmmaacc (Member # 2643) on :
Hey, Spaceman, I grew up in AZ! How are things in the Grand Canyon state (other than hot)?
107 you say? That's NOTHING. I was there for 120!
As a former Arizona girl who moved to Rochester, NY (part of the Frigid North), I can say that I never got used to the cold, even after 6 years (exactly how long I was there -- what a coincidence). Your piece spoke to me. That is exactly how I felt whenever I had to go grocery shopping. I feel opressed just thinking about it. Must go now and swelter on porch to recover. No wait -- sweltering here. (Houston -- swamp next door)
-K.
Posted by KevinK (Member # 2664) on :
As many of the others said, it doesn't pull you right out of your seat and throw you into it. Then again, I didn't see any pulling-you-in action at the beginning of any of Hemmingway's stuff either. Dude, frankly, it looks to be something that you'd have to know more about before critiquing much.
Posted by calavari (Member # 2631) on :
Does she have to be just leaving for the train station? Could we catch her mid-walk? Going through an action that gives an idea of the length of the walk without coming out and saying it, then that she would be there already if she were still home in Pheonix and not feeling like pins and needles were in every part of her body? Just a thought. Sounds interesting, though.
Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :
Thanks for the continuing comments. I haven't worked on this at all since the original post (other projects at the moment...) But thanks.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Spaceman, I just did a search, and I can't find a reference to a cliche anthology -- and I would really like that sort of thing. Can you post a link?
Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :
I lived in Texas from age 8 to age 15. then I moved to Kentucky. Needless to say, here we only get a few days at almost 90 degrees a year. I still keep my thermostat set on 80 year round, and cannot go out if the temperature is below 50. I have been here nearly 20 years now. So it is not unbeliveable.
How about stepping back a bit. What was going on before she left? Why is she almost late to the rationing station (besides waiting until the few warmest moments of the day?) Why a rationing station? Is the cold a new ice age? Is she worried about getting enough for her family, including the family pet? Or may the family have to go a bit hungry so the mother-to-be pet will have enough?
good luck with it!
[This message has been edited by abby (edited July 03, 2005).]
Posted by Meenie (Member # 2633) on :
quote:Shannon waited until the Eenie-Meenie passed out of sight before she embarked on the long walk to the rationing station. (the rest the same)
I just wanted you to know that I would never force people to move to Antartica...
but I do like your second attempt better than the first. A long cold walk doesn't have much hooking power Meenie
