This is topic Another story idea.... feel free to leave ya comments :) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.
Dark grey eyes that belonged to a girl named Nancy Taylor stared blankly up at the ceiling. The sixteen year old girl lay on her four-poster bed, with dark purple velvet curtains draped around her. As she continued to look at the white ceiling there was a noise outside of someone rustling in the bushes. Her window flew open and the curtains tore off the wooden curtain rail instantly. Nancy jumped off her bed and ran to her window and tried to slam it shut but it wouldn’t budge, she could feel the window resisting her force, as soon as she felt that resistance she ran.Running to the opposite side of the room Nancy closed her eyes and fell to the floor,crossing her legs,holding her knees. She tried to block out all the noises that was coming from the window, when she could block out the noises she would be able to start focusing on her strength. .......
[This message has been edited by LeGLeSs (edited June 16, 2005).]
Posted by rustafarianblackpolarbear (Member # 2638) on :
hey michelle, since you want critique, here's what i can think of: firstly, there could be at least one paragraph break in this. i don't know how to quote but when you said "Nancy jumped off her bed and ran to her window and tried to slam it shut but it wouldn’t budge, she could feel the window resisting her force, as soon as she felt that resistance she ran.", that would surely work better as 3 different sentences after budge and force. Besides the building of suspense, at the very end: the mention of "her strength" i imagine this is the fantastic element in the story and it really makes me want to read more. If you have more, can you please send it to me?
Posted by LeGLeSs (Member # 2655) on :
thanku for your comment maybe i should makee the sentence "Nancy jumped off her bed and ran to her window and tried to slam it shut but it wouldn’t budge, she could feel the window resisting her force, as soon as she felt that resistance she ran."
to...
Nancy jumped off her bed and ran to her window, trying to slam it shut but it wouldn't budge. Feeling the window resisting her force she ran....
or maybe there's another way i could rephrase that but keep the same information of the resisting window in it, what do you think?
[This message has been edited by LeGLeSs (edited June 16, 2005).]
Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :
There is too much description in the beginning for me. It seems like the first couple of sentences could be pared down to "Nancy was lying in bed when . . ."
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
"Dark grey eyes..." That's all the editor would read. Then he/she'd most likely toss it into the by-by-bin.
Just try to start thinking of adjectives and even most adverbs as your enemy.
Examples: "stared blankly"...just "stared" would most likely do the strick. "sixteen year old girl" "four-poster bed" "dark purple velvet curtains"...three adjectives ahh! "wooden curtain rail"
The best book to help with this problem would be "The First Five Pages" by Noah Lukeman. Awesome book.
Second issue is with direction. Maybe you're trying to hard. Just keep it simple.
Try this... Nancy jumped off her bed and ran to her window. She tried to slam it shut but it wouldn’t budge. It was resisting her. As soon as she felt it she ran. Closing her eyes, she fell to the floor. She grasped her knees and tried to block out all the noises that were coming from the window. When she could block out the noises she would be able to start focusing on her strength.
I'm kind of lost as to what's going on but maybe you'll get the idea.
Posted by Ratlance (Member # 1893) on :
Legless if I reapeat anything the other posters have said forgive me, because I didnt read what they wrote, so I could give you a fresh reply.
I found your story intriguing, but I dont really know whats going on, but I feel you would answer that later in the story. The only major problem I had with your writing, is that it seems forced. I feel like you should show more into her thoughts. I also feel you can get more description across in less amount of words, and mix them with her feelings.
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
Can I digress and ask: where is Perth?
Did I just make myself sound really stupid? What else is new...
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
Okay, I see. It's in Washington. Posted by LeGLeSs (Member # 2655) on :
both of the story's ive posted hav something in common - too much description, so that is something i have to work on thankyou for all your comments so far people, they are REALLY helping me and i see what you mean by too much ... i'm working on it though so bare with me thanx
o and...
i dont live in washington... I live in Western Australia, Perth. hehe
[This message has been edited by LeGLeSs (edited June 16, 2005).]
Posted by Ezuma (Member # 2646) on :
WA = initials for Western Australia.
Silly American people.
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
That's too funny! I saw your post on the newbie page and I laughed. duh! WA. No wonder I hadn't heard of it. Australia. Ha!
Don't stress too much. You're trying to find your voice. We've all been there. Lukily you're young. The rest of us here are just rotting away, still trying to get it right.
[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited June 17, 2005).]
Posted by LeGLeSs (Member # 2655) on :
Ok i have changed a bit but i don't know if it's any better.I want to comment on the eyes becuase i want to use it later on in the story....
so far as you know the story is based on Nancy, who is a witch (which i haven't revealed yet). Her parents were killed and she's been left to defend for herself against the evil people who are after her (i haven't thought of a name for them yet hehe.) They want her dead. She has something that they want but can't get to which isholding them back from ruling/taking over the world they live in.
Well something along those lines anyway.
so have a read and any comments you have would be a great help
Nancy shot up in her bed as her window flew open, wind howling, blowing everything around. Running over to the window she tried to slam it shut but it wouldn't budge, it was resisting her. As soon as she felt that resistance she ran. Closing her eyes as she fell to the floor, sitting there grasping her knees trying to block out the noises that were coming through the window, once she blocked out those noises she could focus on her strength for what was about to come...
[This message has been edited by LeGLeSs (edited June 17, 2005).]
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
"Nancy shot up in her bed as her window flew open, wind howling, blowing everything (("everything" is kind of vague, maybe "papers off her desk" or something)) around ((her bedroom)). Running over to the window she tried to slam it shut but it wouldn't budge. It was resisting her. As soon as she felt that resistance ((it's always best to avoid repeating a word in consectutive senteces. Maybe try flipping it around or using a synonym.)) she ran. ((This sentence here is too long, but that's easy to fix.)) (("She closed her eyes as..." might sound better.)) Closing her eyes as she fell to the floor, (("and sat there..."))sitting there grasping her knees trying to block out the noises that were coming through the window,((.)) once she blocked out those noises she could focus on her strength for what was about to come..."
Well this is a vast improvement, I'd say. Nice job! Action is so much better at the start of a story. All the other stuff is technical, and it comes with time and practice.
