Hatrack River Writers Workshop: A Practice Prolouge up for critique.

This is topic A Practice Prolouge up for critique. in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=001089

Posted by Kalvin (Member # 2630) on :

This is just a quick practice prolouge I whipped up in a couple of minutes. It's only mean to get the reader to wonder what is going to happen next. It's only twelve lines, so I will just post it here.

Starts streamed across the twilight sky. It was a hollow gesture, however, as the events that were to take place here, tonight, would eclipse anything that the stars could bestow upon the mortals below.
Perhaps not of quite the same visual magnitude, but an event to behold none the less.
“So, you’re ships are ready?” said one of the men, who was only present in the form of a holographic projection.
“Absolutely. And yours?” said the other, the only one physically present.
“They have been ready for quite some time. It is you that has delayed our progression.” He retorted.
“I hope you realize, general,” said the second man, kneeling down to the console that kept the projection of the other stable. “Once this little coup is done with,” he said, tapping away at a few buttons on the console. “You will be just the same as them. Goodbye, General.” He said, the holograph dwindling for a moment, and then receding quickly. The man stood, turning to his ship that ran idle near the crest of a large hill.
“And so it begins.”

Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :

Unfortunately, this doesn't make me wonder what will happen next. It makes me wonder what's happening now.

quote:
Starts streamed across the twilight sky. It was a hollow gesture, however, as the events that were to take place here, tonight, would eclipse anything that the stars could bestow upon the mortals below.

"Starts" threw me for a moment, until I realized that you meant "Stars." But stars don't normally do this. They certainly don't do it intentionally, as a gesture. If these sentences are to be taken literally, we are in such a different universe that I feel totally lost. If this universe is that different from ours, you need to ground us by letting us know some of the things that are the same, and introducing the incredible oddities one at a time.

The second paragraph should not be a paragraph on its own. It isn't even a sentence. (You say you just whipped this up in a couple of minutes, and, frankly, it shows. I can believe that you would fix things like this without advice from us, given an hour away from it and a second reading, but the point is that it interferes with my reading, and makes me less likely to go on. So I would suggest, in the future, giving yourself at least a little time with something before posting, to clean up things like this that you can handle on your own. That way, when we read, we'll be more likely to give you help on what you really need.)

As for the rest: we don't know the men's names; the dialogue is confusing rather than enticing; the ending is meaningless since we don't know what "it" is.

Again, I think you could handle most of these problems on your own. I admire your enthusiasm. Don't let it get the best of you. Something that you whip up in a few minutes of your time is probably not yet worth a few minutes of our time to critique. You don't have to feel as though it's a final draft, but give it a bit longer; make your post considered, not impulsive. It will be better for you and us, both.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

When you write a prologue, the reader has to start the story twice, and it's more work. I suggest only doing it if really really necessary. (And I have broken this rule myself.)

Posted by Meenie (Member # 2633) on :

You need to do at least one edit before posting here. A lot of what you've written here is not particularly understandable. :

Starts ((What are "Starts"? I have no clue)) streamed across the twilight sky. It was a hollow gesture,((If "Starts" means "Stars" how can a star make a gesture?)) .... tonight, would eclipse anything that the stars could bestow ((or bestow things?))

Perhaps not ((delete: of)) quite the same

“So, you’re ships are (( you are ships are???)) ready?”

“They have been ready for quite some time. It is you that has delayed ((you HAS delayed?)) our progression.”

... kneeling down to the console that kept the projection of the other ((other what?)) stable.

“Once this little coup is done with,” he said, tapping away at a few buttons on the console. “You will be just the same as them.((them who?))

This little section doesn't really tell me anything. I need something to grab my attention here or at least give me more of a question than "how do stars (if starts = stars) do that?
My suggestion is shake it up a little and try again. In fact, I'd say go to your word processor and write the whole prologue out, then read it over carefully and find the spot where it really starts My experience is that when one starts a new project, the place they're starting often isn't really the starting place.
Meenie

[This message has been edited by Meenie (edited June 19, 2005).]