Hatrack River Writers Workshop: A different take

This is topic A different take in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by scm288 on :

I decided to start from a different angle on my story, at a scene which occurs a little later on. This is all that I have written so far.

Firelight flickered through the grille, casting Michael’s silhouette onto the wall opposite. The aperture, which was small and dug out of the passage wall, looked down into the depths of the cellar. It was a wide room, with a bowl-like depression dug into it. It was in the center of the bowl that the fire had been lit, and it was the center of the bowl that the cult had been gathering about. And on a raised platform in the middle of the fire stood a man, clothed in blackened robes.

The man was grim, his hair ragged and twisted, like the shaggy coat of a mountain ram, grimy with ages of dirt and slime. His pallid face was covered in stubble—his smile revealed missing teeth and plaque galore. His gaze swept across the room, and Michael was glad that he was hidden from that terrible stare. He had followed the cultists down the passage, and thought it better to remain hidden. The knives and prongs that they were carrying gave him an extra incentive. Thankfully, not one of them looked upward at the grille above their heads, where they would undoubtedly notice his face in the red light.

[This message has been edited by scm288 (edited June 19, 2005).]

Posted by bladeofwords (Member # 2132) on :

The first thing I noticed about this was the large number of "to be sentences", particularly the "it was" sentences that litter your description of the room. It's hard for me to describe something without using them, but I don't deny that using them too much definitely hurts your writing.

It's hard for me to get a picture of this room. The first paragraph especially (not so much the second) doesn't really draw me in. It's just a description of a room. I don't see why it's so important.

Jon

Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :

Some pretty long sentences, and it's sometimes hard to follow. I should know, I'm guilty of the same sins.
That aside, I'm ok with this. I want to read the rest.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

It took all the way to the end before I realized that Michael was looking down through a grill either in the ceiling or high on the wall of the cellar being described.

That illustrates the main problem...Michael is essentially passive here. He could be replaced with a cardboard figure and it wouldn't make any real difference in the scene.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Paragraph 1 seemed to have instructions for where to put people (not Michael) in my mind, as to a stage director. I may go too far the other way, but I just don't care that much about relative positions. Just tell me what's in the room, and get on to what's in Michael's head: his feelings, thoughts, and why he's in the passage. That would be my preference.

Posted by scm288 on :

Then how exactly do I create a MC observing an important event, without him taking part in it at all? Especially if he's trying to remain hidden?

[This message has been edited by scm288 (edited June 20, 2005).]

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

You should write it as if everything we see is through Michael's eyes. We have to be in SOMEBODIES head or we just float around aimlessly. Unless you're using OPOV. That's harder to pull off gracefully.

But Michael's POV would be like this:

"Michael watched the circle of dark figures below as a fire danced across the walls of the room..."

Now we know he's up high at least. And really what the room looks like is moot at this point since all I really care about in the scene is Michael.

Also, this is something that I always have trouble with, so I noticed it right off. Keep us in the present as much as possible.

ex..."It was in the center of the bowl that the fire HAD BEEN lit, and it was the center of the bowl that the cult HAD BEEN gathering about."

more like..."The cult surrounded the fire that danced in the center of the room."

Keep us in the moment as much as possible.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Better yet, start by mentioning that he's watching while trying to stay hidden, and even say how he's accomplishing this.

"Michael peeked cautiously through a small grill into the firelit room below." That way, we know where he is and what he's doing.