This is topic SI: 1 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.


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Posted by iamfetch (Member # 2684) on :
 
I have been having trouble coming up with a story idea that i find interesting enough to finish writing about. I think for a while what i am going to do is write the first paragraph of any Strange Idea that comes to mind. So here's the first of them:


She rode hard. Lera had a purpose for her haste and the animal between her legs could sense it. It could also sense her rage, her anger, and that made it fear the sword across her back even more. I am no coward, she thought. I could have fought the Raiders! I have twice the ability of any boy and three times the skill! She swallowed back the tears that threatened to overwhelm her. It wasn’t just her disappointment that upset her. It was that her mentor, her father, had thought her incapable of handling a real battle. Instead, she was forced to carry a warning of the impending danger to other villages like the isolated one she called home. The only other thing she could do was hope that those she loved had survived.

Tell me what you think ~Fetch
 


Posted by ely (Member # 2558) on :
 

I would take the pronoun out of the first sentence and use her name instead. I think it is best to introduce someone, then start referring to them by pronouns.

Kind of the same deal with the animal. If the animal is a horse, then tell us so. If it is some alien creature that only exists in your world, then tell us what it is and then give us some description. I was left wondering what kind of animal it was, and by the time I noticed I was no longer paying attention to the story, I was done reading it.

You also have a POV break when you tell us that the horse is feeling Lera's rage, and then in the next sentence we hear Lera's thoughts.

It looks like you have a start of a good story idea here.
 




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