This is a working title. So far, I have ten lines of the beginning written, with lots of note for various other parts of the story. I have not named the crying woman yet. I need a name that was weak in her past, but she manages to make her strength in the future. In fact, she may go by the name the children choose to call her.
The other woman is not important. I may not need to give her a name as she will be gone after the next paragraph of two.
Okay, here are the first ten lines: -----
“No!” Mona screamed, tears of frustration and agony. “He will be your child,” the woman, a 12 year friend and former college classmate, answered. “No!” Mona screamed again, “He needs someone who can care for him better than I! He needs someone who can teach him to respect himself, the planet, and everything and everyone on it!” “You can, how many years have you spent fighting to break the vicious cycle you grew up in? This child will prove what you learned,” the woman said again, forcing the tiny bundle into her folded arms. “I’ll drop him,” Mona wailed as the blanket started to fall away revealing beautiful blue eyes. Through all this, the baby had not made a sound. Now, the tiny thing made a sweet gurgling sound. “I can’t, I would never be a good mother.” She cried trying to hand the child back to the woman. Just at that moment a young girl, who appeared to be four years old, walked onto the screened in porch. She looked at the crying young woman holding the baby and said, “Will you please be my mother?” At that moment, Mona, felt a tiny ray of hope trying to reach in through her fear of parenthood. A fear well founded from Mona’s own childhood. “Could I be a mom for this little girl and boy?” she wondered.
[This message has been edited by abby (edited July 03, 2005).]
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I get the explanation, but it's still hard to follow when the two speakers are "She" and "the woman." Why not give her a name, even if it's temporary? They're cheap!
Where are we? Inquiring readers want to know. What's "the woman's" role?
I'll make wild guesses. It's some sort of orphan exchange, which the woman runs.
If that's right, or close . . . I don't know why "she" is filled with tears and frustration (and I think "she" is the POV character -- tell us!), and I'm disbelieving that the woman would want to push a baby onto someone so apparently unstable. "She" might just leave it by the side of the road somewhere. So I've lost my belief in the story.
Possible fix: take us deeper into POV character's feelings, so her tears and rage and refusal make sense.
Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :
I think you are starting too late in the story, or moving the story too slowly to the point where we understand why this is happening. I'm assuming from the title that there are a lot of orphans and they are being forced onto adults who don't necesarily want them. This is all well and good, but maybe set the scene in the first paragraph.
You don't have to follow any of the choices you made (such as voice, POV, etc.) for the story in the first paragraph. Per OSC, the first paragraph is free, so give me some images that it's COLD out and people are desperate!
Posted by Meenie (Member # 2633) on :
quote:Per OSC, the first paragraph is free
What does that mean in the realm where the first 13 lines are everything? That does not compute <G> Meenie
Posted by Meenie (Member # 2633) on :
Abby, We really need something more to go on here. You start with this woman screaming in agony - it seems a little over the top. Also it seems odd that someone would be pushing these kids on her, since most potential adoptive parents are in an agonizing limbo hoping to get a child and very lucky if they do. Obviously there has to be a reason for all of this, but we're thrust into the drama with no idea why so it doesn't really work well. And the drama is extremely high, with Mona screaming in frustration and agony. Is she required to take these children whether she wants to or not? Does she have no choice?? With no background it seems too implausable. If you feel you need to begin with this, then I'd suggest cutting back on the overload. At least have her build up to it, more like, "No,no, you know I can't do this" rather than screaming in agony. My assumption from your title, is that people have to take children that have been left parentless or abandoned. I'd start with that. Meenie
[This message has been edited by Meenie (edited July 04, 2005).]
Posted by abby (Member # 2681) on :
A better title might be "As the Cycle Breaks" both to describe what this new mother goes through as she comes to accept the fact that she Can be a good mother regardless of her past. It is also remniscent of the breaking of the cultural cycle that has existed for hundreds of years; though that break up doesn't solidfy, causing the ice age, for a few chapters.
Thanks for all the suggestions.
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
Well, I definitely think the secondary character needs a name. It's just too confusing otherwise. And I agree that the word scream is a bit over the top since in a few sentences I learn someone is trying to give her a baby. It seems the action goes against what's happening in the story. Until you let the reader sink a bit into the culture of your environment it's best to keep most things on a logical level IMO.
'“No!” Mona screamed again, “He needs someone who can care for him better than I! He needs someone who can teach him to respect himself, the planet, and everything and everyone on it!”'
Just as an aside: This dialogue seems awkward labeled with the word scream. I've never heard a screaming person say quite so much.
It's an interesting story premise though...Good luck. Hope to see more as you progress.
