It was a strange thing for Gregory to have actually been willed something, to have somebody in your life think of dying and think, “You know, I think -Greg- should have -this-.” It was like nothing else. It was in a sense flattering, in a sense embarrassing, and there was another emotion somewhere in there that he hadn’t identified yet.
But as he sat in great-grandpa David’s old chair, holding the thick stack of journals that he had kept for nearly thirty years, he also couldn’t help but feel a kind of oneness with the old man. He had always liked his father’s father’s father, everyone did. The guy was a riot, even right up to his death bed, when he was told that the tumor was growing out of control and he told them that they should cut it out and plant it in the garden, at least that way -something- would grow in that old patch of dirt, or the time he said, “Yeah, it’s going to kill me, but I’m taking it with me!” Dad had saluted the old man for that, though great-grandma Gloria had cried harder than Gregory had ever thought possible.
Such was the indomitable spirit of David Alfred Elcano. Gregory wondered if he had it too, if some part of him were strong enough to look death in the face and find the appropriate snide remark. Probably not. With his luck, he’d wet himself like the reptiles he used to catch when he was a little boy. It was just in that back yard, just outside that door. He and his cousins never ceased to amuse themselves.
Note: hyphens inserted to replace MIA italics.
[This message has been edited by Ransom (edited July 10, 2005).]
Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :
It works better than the previous attempts. In fact, I'd say it works for me, except I would suggest removing some of the third paragraph and have him open the journal. Your hook is in the first sentence, and two paragraphs of character building might be a little too much for the reader not to lose attention.
Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :
I like this opening.
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
This is so much better! Good Job. I know how hard it is to change something that drastically. I do agree with Silver3 though. Too much character building too soon can turn the reader off also. Boy readers sure are a picky bunch. Posted by hopekeeper (Member # 2701) on :
After reading the entirety of what you have so far, I have to ask if you just switched around these sections? If you did than I'm okay with it, but if the language passage is gone completely... I'd be upset. I rather liked it. Posted by abby (Member # 2681) on :
I like this version better too. Paragraph 3 might be a great way to end what he reads in the journal? Maybe some more unique memories. Overall, a better intro.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Seems good, except that the last two lines seem to be sort of abandoning the topic.
Posted by Ransom (Member # 2712) on :
Don't worry about the flow from mentioning the cousins into the rest of the story. The next few sentences talk about how Gregory is dealing with his extended family during this time of grieving, closely followed by the reading of the first journal entry and introducing a major plot element, the colonization of the Alpha Centauri system. I have placed the language section immediately following this. Uncle Timothy plays a big part in my story.
Though I am taking your comments about too much character building into consideration. What I really want to do is make sure that people really want to follow Gregory through the rest of the book, since nearly his entire story focuses on his great-grandfather's journals. Also, my second main character isn't as easy to like as Gregory, so the more I can hook the reader before introducing him, the better.
[This message has been edited by Ransom (edited July 11, 2005).]
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
See, the danger is that you'll drop the issue of these journals before doing anything with them. And from what you're saying, that's what you're going to do.
Posted by hopekeeper (Member # 2701) on :
Well Ransom... I liked Cyrus better... haha.
Posted by Suñadoru (Member # 2672) on :
I haven't seen any of the "versions that went before". I'm new here. But I like this one. Then I see comments about a "language section" and I get excited. I want to see more -- especially this language section. I'm a language nut.
Adam
Posted by lordnequam (Member # 2716) on :
I think its pretty good.
Though I did stop and think to myself - do lizards wet themselves when you catch them? I've caught plenty of lizards in my time, and I don't recall getting peed on once . . .
But I have to agree with Silver3 and the others who mentioned it - the second paragraph of character building was a bit much. Spitfire great-grandfather is cool and all, but he's also somewhat dead - barring incident unforseen with those journals - so he shouldn't get more than a paragraph at a go.
Still, the story did kind of grip me, I have to admit - I liked to hear about the David character, dead as he was.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
If the journal's aren't going to be a key element, then it might be better to start with something else.
Just for the record, some lizards pee when stressed, some don't.
Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :
I really liked your first paragraph, and I enjoyed the second paragraph, but I didn't get the third paragraph. What was "just in that back yard just outside that door"--and what door?
Posted by Ransom (Member # 2712) on :
That's the problem with only getting to give you guys the thirteen lines. The journals are one of the most important elements in the book. They pretty much dominate Gregory's life.
Yes, some lizards do pee when scared, as do snakes and turtles.
If you guys want to read what I have so far, which is two chapters and then some, gimme your e-mail addies and see how this makes sense.
Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :
Above each post are three icons, an ear with a question mark (for the poster's profile), a stamped envelope with lines next to it to show that it's moving (for the poster's email address), and a paper with lines on it being written by a pencil (for the poster to use to edit the post).
If you click on the email address icon above my post, you will see my email address. I'd rather not put it in a post because I've heard that spammers use special software to find email addresses on websites, and I already get too much spam.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
How interesting, a new member who actually knows what those do. By the way, that's not an ear, it's a smiley face in profile.
If the journals are going to be important later, you have to play fair and resolve this scene with them before you go off on a tangent.
Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :
A profile! Of course! Duh! I wondered why it would be an ear. (Need to get new glasses.)
Thanks, Survivor. And I've been lurking around here for a long time.
Posted by davidedwardsmusic (Member # 2678) on :
So, Ransom. When do we get to see the other three openers again? I'd like to dig into a fresh one.
Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :
Ransom, did you get enough offers to read this, or do you need more? I offered, but I never received it.
Posted by Ransom (Member # 2712) on :
Yeah, I tried to send it, but my e-mail server went down, and then one thing pushed out another, etc. I just sent it. Anyone else want to read it?
Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :
It arrived safely, Ransom. Thank you. I'll try to get back to you on it quickly.
Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :
Ransom, did you see that stuff Kathleen put in Ways to Critique about critiquing Word documents?
