This is topic Your opinion part 2 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.


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Posted by Storygiver (Member # 2676) on :
 
I figured that the first story was too good of an idea for a short story. So i decided to start on a real short story. About to start the second draft, but want to make sure it will work out.

Its 2040. America is on the verge of war with Japan. Despite current conditions, Joseph, an american teenager, still goes to Japan to visit his father.

He tries to save a girl who is being rapped by her drunken japanese father, and accidently kills the man.

Joseph is sent to the forgiveness camps. Because of reasons, the Japanese cannot put people to death, but there are to many prisoners. So the Japanese degrade the prisoners, and make them feel worthless enough, that they will commit suicide. It's not necissary murder on Japan's part then.

The Warden shaves Joseph's head, and tries to calmly explain that he killed a man in cold blood, and can restore his honor by commiting Hara-Kiri(stabbing himself in the belly, and dragging the knife as far as possiable through his flesh).

Joseph survives for a few years with his own teenage stubborness, but is now on the verge of giving in. Fortunately, mysterious packages start to arrive with special designs on the wrapping papper, but worthless junk inside.

Joseph, with nothing else better to do, realizes that desighns is actully a secret code.

Each day he recieves a package, and each day the writing paper has an aspiring poem, or speech from a famous person that helps Joseph to continue on living. The warden gets frusterated and starts beating Joseph everytime he declines to kill himself.

As soon as the warden starts this, Joseph begins recieving wrapping papper that is actully pages from the bible. Joseph then survives longer than any Japanese person in the forgiveness camps:24 years.

I already have the conclusion drawn out, and it is pretty solid. So I am not worried about it, and don't plan to ruin for those who truly want to read it.

Please, if you have any questions, I would be glad to answer the best I can. Hopefully, one of you will ask something I missed.

P.S., I hope this isn't prejudiced to any Japanese person. I just needed a human race that still holds onto honor.

[This message has been edited by Storygiver (edited July 17, 2005).]
 


Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :
 
I have a question:

Why aren't you posting fragments of the stories you run by us? Are you asking for our approval before you go ahead?

If so, I hereby declare that all of your ideas are good enough to be submitted for critique. Post your first 13, and let people figure stuff out from that.

And take these two pennies, while you're at it...

[This message has been edited by Jeraliey (edited July 17, 2005).]
 


Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
 
To me, this doesn't sound 2040 A.D., but earlier: you make no reference to futuristic gadgets, or new social conditions, and it seems to me that giri, and harakiri, and things like that were more powerful in the past (pre-1945) and will be less powerful in the future (unless trends reverse). Maybe you could make it an alternate timeline?

Next suggestion: your ending didn't grab me. 24 years is a long time, and hard to make into a breathtaking finish! How else could you end the story? (Maybe after the 24 years, or maybe instead.)

What was it about getting the Bible verses that made him survive? Could he spread this wisdom to other prisoners?

BTW I think your questions are very legitimate questions, esp if it's a novel. I wish I'd gotten a few choice bits of advice before I wrote mine!

[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited July 17, 2005).]
 


Posted by Storygiver (Member # 2676) on :
 
All right, all right, don't rip out my throat.

I was at summer camp, and wrote most of this down. I have just begun writing the real thing on the computer. By the end of the week, you people will have it for your viewing pleasure.

P.S. God I love a challenge.
 


Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :
 
I totally didn't mean to come off as throat-ripping...more like confused. Sorry for the ensuing confusion....
 
Posted by Storygiver (Member # 2676) on :
 
Oh, allright. I forgive you.
 
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
 
Hmmmm...your typical modern Japanese person will take incredible amounts of humiliation before resorting to ritual suicide. Actually, that's always been the case, it was part of what gave hari kari its catchet for the nobility, that a commoner would never commit suicide over a matter of honor.

The old Japan, the Japan of the nobility and court and hari kari...that's still alive in the modern nation. But it is the liberated Japanese peasantry that are driving things forward today. And while they understand that it isn't yet wise to cross the nobility, they haven't lost their capacity to grin and bear humiliation in good spirit.

I mean, seriously, the ordinary Japanese peasant rivals the ordinary Chinese peasant in ability to bear humiliation without complaint. I don't know how they do it. I really don't.

Now, if it were only illegal to put nobility to death, and Joseph had made a successful claim to being a noble somehow, I could almost buy that as a concept.
 


Posted by Monolith (Member # 2034) on :
 
I agree with Survivor on the era of the story.

The era I think should be around the 1930's through about 1950's(?).

Or even make him an ambassador's kid or something and he gets in trouble and the governing body refuses to let him go because of the seriousness of his offense.

Just some thoughts.
-Bry-
 




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