These are the first 13 of a short short. I'm not looking for reads of the full story, just yea or nay if you'd keep reading.
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[This message has been edited by DavidGill (edited July 27, 2005).]
Posted by Miriel (Member # 2719) on :
In the first paragraph, which word does Elizabeth emphasize? "Humanly?" I'd recommend putting it in italics (well, underlining it, since that's the way editors like to see italics marked). If I knew that was the emphasized word, yes, I would definetly want to keep reading.
Other impressions I had upon reading: The number of fancy French words kinda threw me off, made me have to re-read. But, that might very well be just me. Not terribly fond of fancy French words. Also, while all the French words give the vauge impression of a very nice restraunt, the first time I read it I envisioned a little dinner. A few details, the waiter saying something fancy like, "Sir, would you like to try our wine of choice this evening?" -- or whatever fancy things waiters say to incoming customers, might help the setting. Expensive white table cloth, nice cups -- though too many such details would choke the story. A few concrete, specific, well-chosen details, however, would do a lot to solidify the setting.
And I liked the last sentance of the piece very much: the kiss wasn't phantom-like, but "was a phantom." That definetly intruiges me: I hope something very interesting comes of that sentance.
Best of luck working on your story!
Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :
Yea.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
I'd read more. I'm very curious about what the title means, didn't see any red flags in the opening, and am somewhat curious about the world and characters you're creating.
Posted by benskia (Member # 2422) on :
Anyone ever notice how snobby some characters can get when you send them into a restaurant?
It seems to happen a lot in published works too.
Posted by TL 601 (Member # 2730) on :
I'd keep reading.
Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :
I like it so far. The fact that the word humanly is emphasized is the hook for me.
Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :
I'd keep reading, too.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Yeah, it works. I'll second the difficulty with the setting, both that I disliked it and that it wasn't perfectly clear, but the story begins where it begins. I think that you've done it well enough. Besides, the fact that meeting in a fancy restaurant is part of doing it "as fast as humanly possible" is an extra hint that seemed moderately intriguing.
Posted by Loboblanco (Member # 2743) on :
No, I'm sorry, but not the way it begins.
I think your story should start with the excellent line "Through the distorted lens of the glass, he saw Elizabeth walk toward the table. Sam stood, welcoming her. He offered a cheek. Elizabeth leaned in, but her kiss was a phantom." (cut the red dress stuff, it is distracting) This opening would make me continue reading.
The way it begins we are told that there is going to be a fight at the restaurant, so why should we continue reading? Also, how does the maitre de know to sit the protagonist in the back because there is going to be a fight? What was the whole ID thing? Is it going to be important to the story? I've sold liquor and I would never apologize for carding somebody. What that scene tells us is that your protagonist is a baby faced person, probably soft and childlike. If you are wanting us to get that message, there might be better ways to do it. Having said all that, I do suspect that you have something going on here. An argument in a restaurant could be a powerful short short. Peace, Joe
Posted by DavidGill (Member # 1688) on :
Got all the feedback I need. Thanks, folks, for the attention.
[This message has been edited by DavidGill (edited July 27, 2005).]
