Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Short Story

This is topic Short Story in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=001226

Posted by Swimming Bird (Member # 2760) on :

Edited for submission.

[This message has been edited by Swimming Bird (edited August 04, 2005).]

Posted by ChrisG (Member # 2761) on :

I hate to say this....but its boring. Cute, but boring. The opening should GRAB my attention. Instead of starting with a memory of the conversation, how about writing the diologue of the conversation then segwaying (I don't know if that's spelled correctly) into the memory of it?

"Where is it?" (grabs me, I wasn't to know where "what" is. The fact that the reader is even LOOKING at your story means you HAVE them, but beyond the first paragraph, it is YOU who has to KEEP them. After all, watching TV is a hell of a lot easier than reading.
"Excuse me?" said the girl. I can't remember what she looked like, but she had a playful smile.
"My Peach Tree!" I fumed. I was, after all, only 3.
"You have a Peach Tree?" asked the girl, smiling playfully. "Did you check your back pocket?"
"Who would have a peach tree in their pocket!" I was still fussy. "No, I planted a pit in my sand box and watered it and watered it and it hasn't grown."
"Well," said the girl kindly. Red hair, I remember she had red hair. (saying you can't remember what the girl looked like is a ditch, if you ask me and doen't give the reader something about that character to fucus on. I know, the character's only 3, but she could remember a hair color if whe remembers playful smiles.) "Trees son't grow very well in sand, maybe you should try in dirt?"

Anyway, you get the picture, and I hope this helped.

Posted by DavidGill (Member # 1688) on :

Your opening establishes tone very well and suggests that the narrative voice will be one I'd like to listen to.

Remember that the opening pargraph is a freebie. Use it to establish setting, conflict, etc, as well tone and voice. There's plenty of time to esatblish your universe before you begin that first crucial scene.

I have to disagree with ChrisG's suggestion. Starting a story with dialogue is usually confusing for the reader.

[This message has been edited by DavidGill (edited August 01, 2005).]

Posted by Vatyma (Member # 2749) on :

quote:
My earliest clear memory (I think) is sitting in a chair on my front porch somewhere in Russia, asking a girl what happened to the peach tree I had planted the night before.

When I first read this sentence I immediately envisioned an old man sitting on a chair in his front porch.

I think a three-year-old would probably sit on the steps or the floor of a porch, and like most toddlers he would probably stand up to speak with the teenage girl. Children usually feel the need to stand up when they want to talk of things that are important to them.

quote:
probably the hardest work a three-year-old can legally do

What do you mean by legally?

Like DavidGill said I think your narrative voice is pleasing, the paragraphs are a little jerky but the story is one I would like to continue reading.

Keep it up!

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I'm with Chris. Most of what I see is summary, and for me (and I think others), summary is for the boring parts. Take us there, let us hear the words, see the action, etc., all in the moment.

Posted by DavidGill (Member # 1688) on :

It ain't summary, it's exposition. It may go on too long here, but if it fits the voice the author is going for, then it's appropriate.

Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :

I agree with David; I didn't find this boring at all.

The parenthetical asides are a little bit awkward, but somehow seem to fit. I don't know what to tell you about those; it seems to me like they should be smoothed out while still retaining the information, but I don't have any ideas.

I love how the memory is nonspecific, just a collection of details.

I was under the impression that Russia didn't have child labor laws, though.

So, what genre? What length? I'd be curious to know where this is going.

Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :

This is really nit-picky, but you stated that the character's earliest clear memory was sitting on the porch. Then you describe what happened the day before.
So actually the day before was the first clear memory, right?

Maybe I'm "overthinking" again, but maybe you should start from the true first memory, when his father gives him the pit. That way you would avoid summarizing that part.

FYI - Right now, knowing what happened to the peachtree is a lot less important to me then knowing why the father gave it to him with such specific instructions. That's the idea that really hooks me.

[This message has been edited by NewsBys (edited August 02, 2005).]

Posted by bradford (Member # 2708) on :

I agree that while it may not be totaly boring I would not continue reading since nothing grabbed me. I did find the question of what exactly was the earlist meroy bother me. On the porch, or the tree planting or his mom giving the seed or hearing his dad tell me how to plant it.

Guess the real thing is...what is this stroy about? We don't know

Posted by Swimming Bird (Member # 2760) on :

Thanks for all the comments.

The story is a coming of age tale, as many have guess, and yes, it is told by the boy as an old man many years later.

It is a finished work of 120,000 words.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Whether it is a good opening depends on the story that follows. But this opening does leave me with a desire to keep reading, so that's a pretty good thing.

One thing I would suggest. Change the first line a bit so that it isn't entirely contradicted by everything that follows. You call this his earliest clear memory, then describe in some detail a great many things that happen prior to it, in a manner that suggests that these are also memories rather than later inferences.

I think that when you say "earliest clear memory", you mean something else. But I have no idea what you mean.

Still, the story is an interesting one, and the language is clear most of the time. The narrative voice engages well.

Posted by Shi Magadan (Member # 2260) on :

For me to keep reading, I would need a mildly fantastic element to come into the first 13 lines. It doesn't have to be anything major, but just a hint of something strange/unusual.

At any rate, I think what made it interesting for me is the teenage girl's response to the child's question. Most teenagers would take the opportunity to play a trick on the child, but her response is a kind one...

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

He's, like three years old.

"Miners, not minors!"

"You lost me."

Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :

I love that movie!

Posted by AaronAndy (Member # 2763) on :

I don't know. I agree with the others that this story starts off rather boring. And yet, for reasons I do not understand, I want to keep reading. I like it, I really do. You have real talent. I would love to see more of the story.

The biggest problem I had with my first read is that I expected this (becuase most everything around here is) to be some sort of SF, and yet nothing SF happens. Is this just regular fiction, or do lots of SF things happen later?

My advice: delete the first six or ten words and come up with a stronger hook for the very first.

Also, why does he say "somewhere in Russia?" Does he now know where he lived as a child?

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

He might not. Maybe his family wasn't Russian. Though the reference to a best friend would seem to indicate otherwise.