Hatrack River Writers Workshop: My NANO Is NOTNOT, Starting Something New...

This is topic My NANO Is NOTNOT, Starting Something New... in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Warbric (Member # 2178) on :

I needed a break, so I shelved the NANO and have started something new. New plan entirely. Currently only a 700-word chunk done, trying to set a tone with it.

I need some readers who can politely ignore the cliched Immortal-Wanting-To-Die bit and give me an overall impression, with emphasis on whether the language, flow, and tone are getting the job done.

Thanks in advance.
__________________

30th of Dochar, 560th year, 25th Cycle

Another dawn. The last of the current Cycle, for tomorrow's brings a new year, begins another Cycle. How many more am I doomed to endure?

Even now, standing in the growing light of a sun that can no longer warm me, a light that no longer caresses my face, hidden away within the hood of a heavily enchanted cloak, I hear the disembodied pleas of my long dead race die again with the night wind. Their last keening wails beckon me, entreating me to cast off the burdens God has cursed me to endure that I may join them in the peaceful sleep of Death.

In the five Cycles since my people's once great nation fell, I have prayed often for the release and rest that Death promises.

[This message has been edited by Warbric (edited August 08, 2005).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

So far your tone sounds very promising. I can read 700 words of this.

Posted by Elemeno (Member # 2752) on :

I like it. I think the tone works, and I already feel for your character. I would definitely read on, as the story has lots of potential to go in different directions.

Posted by Warbric (Member # 2178) on :

Thanks, Survivor. Its already on the way.

Thank you for your comments, Elemeno. Are you asking to see it, too? If so, I'd be happy to send it along.

Posted by Phrasingsmith (Member # 2773) on :

I am a bit confused by the

quote:

Even now, standing in the growing light of a sun that can no longer warm me, a light that no longer caresses my face, hidden away within the hood of a heavily enchanted cloak, I hear the disembodied pleas of my long dead race die again with the night wind.

section. After I reread this a few times I've come to the conclusion that the night wind is dying away as are the pleas of the race. Initially I read it as though the race's pleas are going through a regular interval of performance during/from/with the night wind. Perhaps substituting "fade away again with the night wind" or "dissipate again along with the night wind" (or just dissipate with the night wind) for "die again with the night wind".

and

quote:

Their last keening wails beckon me,

I was unfamiliar with keening and upon looking it up it's says "keening" is to cry out or wail in grief... so I'm unsure if that might be considered wordy or redundant.

Otherwise this sounds like a very interesting premise. Good Writing!

Posted by Warbric (Member # 2178) on :

Cool. I didn't verb a noun, I adjectived a verb. A bit embarrassing mixing them up like that.

"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." - Inigo Montoya

Thanks for pointing that one out, Phrasingsmith.

[This message has been edited by Warbric (edited August 09, 2005).]

Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :

It works, though....

$0.02

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Because it describes the wails by saying that they keen. Like describing dogs as "hunting" dogs.

Posted by Elemeno (Member # 2752) on :

Sure, Warbric, I'll look at it.

Posted by Warbric (Member # 2178) on :

Oops. No email address in your profile. Just have your email email my email and then I'll email it to you.

Posted by Elemeno (Member # 2752) on :

Woops! I just updated my profile to include my email address (if all went well...). How do you look at other people's profiles? I tried finding yours but couldn't.

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

If you want to see someone else's profile, click on the profile icon (the first of the three) above that person's post.

The other two icons are an envelope, for emailing that person, and a paper and pencil, so people can edit their own posts.

Posted by Mystic (Member # 2673) on :

Shelfing a story is a dangerous thing because you may never unshelf it again.

[This message has been edited by Mystic (edited August 12, 2005).]