It's something I've just started working on, a long way from being done, or even completely plotted, and the title, "X Keep" means I haven't thought up a system of names yet.

*******

X Keep had been thoroughly gutted by fire. Its builders, decades ago, took precautions as best as they could. They used a lot of stone, but some things wood had to be used for. And wood, no matter how thoroughly treated, can be made to burn.

Two days ago, the watch at Y Keep saw the glow of the fire below the horizon. The watch woke the captain, and the captain woke the radioman. All to no point. The burning keep kept silent.

The captain of Y Keep arranged a party to investigate, and notified the other keeps. But it took two days to mount. The captain did not believe in taking chances. Thirty five men headed out that morning and reached the gutted keep in a few hours.

It was too late. The stout stone walls still stood, but parts of the roof and interior walls had collapsed.

*******

(I've got to remember to print a copy of this up, so I at least have something to remember what changes I made typing this in...)
 

Just a thought.

There were a few other things but they were just minor. I think the detachment was the main issue.
 

Getting names for your keeps will certainly help. It's like calling your characters Person A, Person B, and Person C.

That introduction would also me more effective if you gave a description of Keep X. You also don't say when it burned, or if it was inhabited. It's like saying "A house was completely destroyed by water. No matter how high the house was situated, a heavy rain could flood it." So what? Was there anything special about this house? What did it look like? Where was it?

What's the time period?

When is now? I can only assume that it's two days after the burning.

Also, it's obviously too late, because the fire was two days ago...?

I would recommend answering those questions when the investigation takes place.

You have, on the good side, effectively stated that this keep was intentionally burned, and that usually means something interesting- especially if it's a stone keep that takes a good deal of effort to burn.

(Just a few thoughts )
 

I think you could improve this by starting with a POV character through whose eyes I can see the destruction of X Keep (Y Keep's captain would do, but put a name tag on his uniform) and by whose reactions I can better gauge its import.

I agree with pixydust. It seems detached, but I also feel as if you rush through too much here that you could use to your story's advantage.

I've also got problems (perhaps hypercritical of me) with errors in the military details here. For example, two days is too long to respond to a calamity only a few hours' march away. Given no evidence of an immediate threat to warrant it, I find the captain's delay way overcautious. And I'm curious about what could sneak undetected past other keeps as close a few hours away to reach X Keep, attack and destroy it before someone could radio for help, and then vanish into thin air. A carefully built defense is about more than solid construction; each keep would be a link in a chain.

I could be reading the wrong things into this, in which case I'm sorry, but I have to fill in the gaps as best I can since you're not to the point of filling them for me with enough detail.

I think you might be able to do something good with this, but you're holding back. Rev it up and let 'er rip.
 

How about:

It was a quiet, lonely job, keeping watch. John stood in the tower at Y Keep, stamping his feet to keep them warm. He kept thinking of fire, red warmth to warm his bones, and . . . there on the horizon, there was a reddish glow, which at first he thought he imagined. He blinked. It was real.

It was in the direction of X Keep. Oh, God, no. Mary was there. Janice. Thomas ...

OK, this isn't really very good, because I don't know enough about your story. But you do! And you can give us the POV character, and the sensory information about that night (or whatever night you wanted to start it), and why the POV character (and us readers) should care about the destruction of X Keep.
 

Another nit... there are too many "keeps" going here. X Keep, Y Keep, keeps this, keeps that. By naming your keeps, you can cut the redundancy down a lot.

And we ALWAYS need a character to identify with. No one cares much about a building, even one that burned, if there isn't a person we care about to go with it.
 

I'm sympathetic to starting with characters, having my doubts about opening with mere description, no matter how brief. The description I've written goes on a little longer (to the middle of page two) and then a couple characters finally jump in.

To date, I've written three pages of it. But I've got the plot and characters worked out for another, oh, thirty pages, which'll only take me halfway through.

Names are definitely needed, but must wait on my coming up with a few I like well enough to, er, keep. (I've got another story on the burner, involving three sisters whose names begin with X, Y, and Z. Names have been a problem with me since I realized their importance.)

"wbriggs" gest remarkably close to what I had in mind and have actually written down. The ostensible hero and protagonist lost a fiance in the burned-out keep.

But I decided to start where I did, two days after the keep burned, because if I did, I'd spend several pages just getting to the burned-out keep, where the main drive of the plot (a take on alien possession, left over from a story I wrote about ten years ago) will begin. I wanted to get the action going.

I'm not worried (except about finishing it). Many times I've worked on stuff and only after finishing decided to start the story at a different point. I once wrote a thirty-some chapter-long novel, and only when finished did I decide to start the next draft at chapter eighteen. (I incorporated about a third of the front-end chapters in that draft.)

But, as I said, I'm delighted with what I've gotten, and if anybody's got any more, about that or my above comments, keep it coming...
 

quote:

---

No one cares much about a building, even one that burned, if there isn't a person we care about to go with it.

---

Hmm. I feel a challenge coming on...
 

--Mel
 

X Keep had been thoroughly gutted by fire. Its builders, decades ago, took precautions as best as they could. They used a lot of stone, but some things wood had to be used for.

---'but some things wood had to be used for.' sounds like yoda talking.---

And wood, no matter how thoroughly treated, can be made to burn.

Two days ago, the watch at Y Keep saw the glow of the fire below the horizon.

---would they be able to see it below the horizon?---

The watch woke the captain, and the captain woke the radioman. All to no point. The burning keep kept silent.

'keep kept' isn't a bit offputting.

The captain of Y Keep arranged a party to investigate, and notified the other keeps.

---a party. woohoo, bring on the jelly and ice cream. Maybe he ought to arrange an investigation party, not a party to investigate---

But it took two days to mount. The captain did not believe in taking chances. Thirty five men headed out that morning and reached the gutted keep in a few hours.

--gutted previously used--

It was too late. The stout stone walls still stood, but parts of the roof and interior walls had collapsed.

--still stood, another poor combination--

You mentioned in your post that this was just a first attempt & you'd be changing it at some point. I reckon stuff submitted on here would be best served if it is a best effort, rather than rought draft that will be improved upon at some later date. This is the first 13 lines after all, and the level of criticism that they receive demands that they are more carefully thought out than the rest of the piece.
 

That said, feel free to ignore my humble opinion.

[This message has been edited by Jeraliey (edited August 10, 2005).]
 

I would feel he had been arguing if he had said "that's lame" or "you don't get it" or some sort of put-down. Instead he thanked us nicely.

Most of these F&F threads take off on tangents, and the critiquers often get off track of the primary duty, which is to critique the work presented. I didn't think Robert's comments were out of order. They just struck me as that extraneous dialog that comes up when a discussion keeps going.

I think all of us--me included--ARE a mite touchy, given the large number of inappropriate responses to critique that have happened lately. But it would be a shame if the author can't make ANY additional commentary beyond a simple "thanks" because it might be misconstrued.

[This message has been edited by Elan (edited August 10, 2005).]
 

If you disagree with my opinion, again, please feel free to ignore it.
 

Of course, this work isn't so much standing alone as just starting---it's not even finished. So some things just have to be clarified. Or at least justified.

Oh, and as for that "Yoda" bit---I messed up the word order, probably while revising-on-the-fly. That part should read "...but for some things wood had to be used..."
 

At present, the opening feels a bit too eager to justify the keep being destroyed by fire. Be wary of answering questions the reader might ask--you may place doubts in their minds that wouldn't otherwise have arisen.

On the face of it, taking two days to assemble thirty-five men to investigate the fire seems far too long. What is the purpose of these keeps, if it's not mutual defence? What benefits in terms of precautions does the delay provide? It felt as if the captain were waiting to be sure any attackers were long gone, which doesn't cast him in a very good light, imo. Either that or I'm thinking McClellan...

If the keeps have fallen into disuse during an extended peace and the attack comes as a surprise for which they're unprepared, I think you could usefully bring that out through character interactions. If, on the other hand, they're meant to be garrisoned by crack military units on constant guard, then that needs to come across. Twenty-four hour radio watch, rapid deployment in response to potential threats, etc.

I think it might be a good idea to give the keeps and characters names when you're putting up fragments for review , even if they're not the names you end up using.