This is a flash I need to tighten up for submition this month (YA). It's an experiment with voice and I'm not completely satisfied. It needs a bit of work so I'm begging for all the help I can get; just the first 13 lines or a full critique. It's 960 words.
I sit on the church fence, watching the town bustle around like little bees in a hive. All the retired men gather at the hardware store and the women at the Five and Dime to argue over the various points of cooking and pig raising and escape the heat. I eat my Dairy Queen, trying to decide if I should take off to Mills Creek or pay my dues to Reverend Patrick.
I pull off my Yankees cap and wipe the sweat from my forehead, feeling the cool water of the creek begin to call. Vanilla ice cream comes off of my wrist streaking my hair sticky. I look down at my arm. I hadn’t even noticed the ice cream was melting so fast. I smudge it onto my jeans and find this only mingles it with the dust from my pants, painting my arm a gooey brown color.
Posted by Fahrion Kryptov (Member # 1544) on :
I personally have never been fond of the first-person POV, but I won't bother you with that.
I don't think an icky smeary ice cream is the way to start a story, either, especially since i have never experienced that myself...
Also, the second sentence is a runon that doesn't flow well at all- I had to reread it several times to figure it out.
It's hard to say much plotwise with the little you've written so far- but I wouldn't mind reading what you've got.
Posted by Swimming Bird (Member # 2760) on :
I like the cozy feel of it. It's a good scene, though you take too much space to tell us nothing is happening. Sure it's quaint setting with what seems like qaint folks, but something should be happening.
I'd recommend cutting out the ice cream bit, it feels too clumsy, and fill it with some action.
Posted by Carlene (Member # 2745) on :
I actually liked the ice cream part. I had a clear picture of an 11-year-old on a summer day doing nothing. I don't have time to read it until the weekend. If that's not too late, send it my way.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I'll read. The text doesn't hook me (though paragraph 1 was starting to), but the title does.
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
Nit... towns don't bustle, the townspeople in them do.
Except for the Yankee hat, you could be describing life in my town. Most folks are Mariners fans out here. For the record, it's not much more rewarding than being a Trailblazer fan.
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
Thanks all! I sent them off to those who offered.
Any other comments?
Posted by Saengard (Member # 2782) on :
Is this a 'My Girl' or 'Stand by Me' kind of coming of age, kiss and tell thingy? It's a decent start at capturing a time frame.
I apologize that I don't have time to read more of what you have.
Only pointer is grammar and punctuation. Keep up the good work.
Posted by TL 601 (Member # 2730) on :
Didn't this win one of the notebored challenges? This is a fun story -- has it been edited since then? Or is that what you're looking to do now?
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
Hey TL! Yah, this won the noteboard challenge. I'm trying to beef it up into more of a story cause I really like the character. So I was just getting some more feedback. I have it on my list for august at the LH board. I'd like to send it out to a YA mag. once I get it smoothed out. I might post it there on my page in the next few days.
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
I like!
I don't agree with the above assessment of the second sentence. I actually loved it, but maybe because I write a lot of sentences just like it. The only thing I could suggest to improve that sentence would be to add 'to' before the 'escape the heat.'
I'd like to read. Do you want me now or do you have enough readers and would prefer to wait for the next revision? Up to you.
Posted by Mechwarrior (Member # 2796) on :
This sounds decent so far. I like the ice cream scene but it is a bit confusing the way it's written - the sticky hairy arms bit - assuming it's a male but could be most any age.
"town bustle around like little bees in a hive. All the retired men gather at the hardware store and the women at the Five and Dime to argue over the various points of cooking and pig raising and escape the heat."
Just a suggestion to delete the "little", if they were giant bees I'd understand. The second like could use some clarification - who's talking about cooking and who's talking about pig raising? Are they discussing escaping the heat. As for the bustling town, I'd say that's fine. A town is generally thought of as a collection of people, not the buildings.
Good luck.
Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :
I'll read. If you need another reader send to wolf_dude64@yahoo.com
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
Thanks for the extra offers. I'll take you both up on it. I have a lot of work to do on this piece and I need all the help I can get.
And Mechwarrior: It's not arm hair that I'm refering to, it's head hair ("...wipe the sweat from my forhead...").
