Okay, this is a story. It's thirteen lines, and I only want feedback on these thirteen lines. I wouldn't mind knowing if you want to read the rest, but I don't HAVE the rest; my computers are not being nice right now, so I can't get at any of my manuscripts, I have therefore begun one. It's a story I have a lot of planned out, but very little actually typed or written down...in a straight line.
So, if you want more say so and I'll write more. I have no expectations just now.
Rule Breakers --------- Any other person would start this story with the words I don’t like to brag. But I don’t particularly mind the image that comes with bigheaded descriptions of self; with my life, if I minded, I’d go crazy.
There, I have gotten that out of the way.
My name was once William Lowell. I have since changed it to simply Willow, but right now I’m going to write someone else’s story, leaving mine till later for continuity issues.
The story I’m going to start with is the story of a boy named Cole McGee—who had a disease. Similar to cancer, the disease was called Richelieu Syndrome, and also had similarities to UV allergies. The disease is fatal, and its treatment is peculiar: in understated terms, a lot of light—all at once.
In recorded medical history, Cole McGee was the first person to be treated for Richelieu Syndrome, and the treatment super accelerated the disease, changing but not
[This message has been edited by Fidget_Sinclair (edited August 10, 2005).]
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Here's my humble opinion: as your narrator says, he's going to start a story. I suggest that you cut everything until that story begins. I mean, what you have is well-written, I think, but I recommend that you start later.
Posted by Miriel (Member # 2719) on :
I have to agree with wbriggs. The sentances are easy to read, but it seems to drag because it doesn't start right away.
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
I sugest just starting with Cole's story and forgoing the name stuff at the begging. The writing's good, but like Will says I think you started your story in the wrong place.
I like your voice though. It reads really nice.
Posted by Fidget_Sinclair (Member # 2762) on :
Ooh, question?: Is it common practice when hearing things like that to rewrite then repost what I've got up so far? How do people most seem to like this done? Because sometimes I've come across people who would prefer more of a "I've got the criticisms so I'll keep the changes to myself" type execution. Please advise.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I don't know whether you want to throw away the opening.
If William comes into the story in a big way later on, then keep it. I liked it, after all. If he doesn't, then feel free to toss it.
If you don't toss it, then make sure that you keep William around, let him tell the story the way he would tell it.
Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :
Collect a bunch of opinions, evaluate them, and rewrite as you deem fit. You're more than welcome to post revisions, but it's not necessarily a great idea to revise after each suggestion that is made
By the way, I love the voice. Write more!
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
Please don't rewrite and post the rewrite after every comment, even if you like the comment and see how you want to do the rewrite.
Go ahead and rewrite, if you must, but try to wait and see what else people say and let it all work together in your subconscious for a little while before doing anything major.
Just because one person suggests something doesn't mean that's the only answer. Someone else may have an even better suggestion if you are patient.
Posted by Fidget_Sinclair (Member # 2762) on :
Tah.(England Anglo-european creole/pidgin for "thanks") All endearing comments.
Thus far however--and I'm just going to do some analyzing, so look away if you're uninterested--I have seven opinions, one is my own, so half a dozen, and they say when boiled down simply "start quicker, I like the voice, and don't waste your time with constant revision," with a little bit of between-the-lines license put in.
There's more there, between the lines, I've just thought: You're saying without saying so that I didn't put in some story-line hook. Unfortunately, the story-line hook ended up in line fourteen. Friggin Murphy's law!
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
No, it's not Murphy's Law or anything like that. If William Lowell isn't a big part of your hook, then...cut him, but understand that I'm saying that because I believe that he's about 80% of your hook.
