"His Greatness has entered the room!" Dan sighed as he swung his seat around. Most of the felines he worked with were younger and amiable to working with him after their first mental sniff through his memories; (their snickers at what he thought was a rather good sex-life notwithstanding). He wondered if they ever thought any human's life was impressive. Still, to get through space safely and arrive at one's destination and not inside a planet, every ship needed a pilot and a jumper. The announcement made by this jumper's handler told him already that this was not going to be an easy flight.
[This message has been edited by kgator (edited August 12, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by kgator (edited August 12, 2005).]
Posted by Phrasingsmith (Member # 2773) on :
Hmmm... Interesting. Perhaps a bit more explanation might help as I'm lost on the sniffing through memories and the getting through space and not a planet bits. I'm guessing that the sniffing memories is an abilities the felines have, perhaps telepathic? And the "getting through space and not a planet" is to mean not arriving inside a planet perhaps? Good Writing!
Posted by JOHN (Member # 1343) on :
I like it. You immerse us in the world without throwing a lot of unpronounceable, made-up, apostrophe-laden words at us or over explaining. Even the stuff that’s not explained (I agree with Phrasingsmith that eventual explanation is needed on those topics) you get the sense that it will be in due time.
JOHN!
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
mm, I'm not engaged. For me, you're trying to cram too many unexplained concepts into the opening - there's Dan and his relationship with the felines, there's the stuff about traveling through space but not planets, there are jumpers and the jumper's handler, and I don't really know what's going on.
It's also expository. Instead of showing me Dan and what he's seeing, you're telling me about "most of the felines" and making generalizatons about what it takes to get through space etc.
The felines are possibly interesting, but I want to see them through Dan's eyes, not read generalizations about them.
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
I second Beth on all counts.
Posted by kgator (Member # 2787) on :
Thank you for everyone's feedback...I've made some changes about the space thing. I'm going to write a few more paragraphs to flesh out the characters a bit more, then look at the first paragraph again.
Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :
As with your hurricane fragment, I would love to read more. Let me know if you want someone to read the whole thing when it's ready.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Interesting but a bit confusing. I think that the idea of hyper-space travel being made possible by the native psychic powers of cats is a really fun idea, as is having them be telepathic with such feline...cattyness, I'll call it
But I get the idea that about half the people here think that Dan is a cat himself. And looking at this, I can't really blame them. Still, I like the setup of a really catty cat coming onto this poor guy's ship as his jumper.
You neglected to say what you want out of this thread.
