Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Pellucere

This is topic Pellucere in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Carlene (Member # 2745) on :

This is my revision of my flash from LH (thanks for the great feedback).

Feedback on the first thirteen, and interested readers would be appreciated. Here we go:

Pam stared at the tiny vial; thankful for the small size that shielded her eyes form the intensity of the turquoise liquid, shocked at the credits she was handing over for such a minute amount. The other vials had been almost twice the size.

“Here. No one can see you with this. And they will kill you if you are caught with it. Understand?” The man’s foul breath wafted over Pam and she resisted the urge to shirk away.

“I understand the consequences.” Please, please let this actually be pellucere. Pam didn’t think she could handle the disappointment of another cleverly derived fake. A fake might harm her, although she’d been lucky so far. More importantly, she was running out of time.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

It's okay...but you don't have a setting.

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

That first sentence is a doozy. You're squashing 3 main things in: she's staring at a bottle; the bottle is small and filled with a bright liquid; and it's shockingly expensive. Break it up into a few sentences and let some air in.

Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :

Ditto to Survivor's and Beth's comments.

If she's in a dark, creepy alley somewhere buying from a dealer, then consider telling us fairly quickly, especially if "the man with foul breath" is indeed a shady fellow.

And, yeah, that first sentence is huge and might be better served broken up. If you decide to keep it, though, consider moving the semicolon after "liquid" and using a comma where the original semicolon is. That would be more correct usage within your sentence; the semicolon can serve as a replacement for a conjunction (like in this sentence). I admit I'm a semicolon purist...

Overall, good potential hook and a possibility for conflict, which is always nice.

[This message has been edited by HSO (edited August 18, 2005).]

Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :

I'll read the whole story if you'd like comments on it.