I posted this beginning a while ago on F&F, and had the story critted here. Since then, I've rewritten most of that story (although the begining remains unchanged). I'm looking for readers. The piece is about 3,400 words long in its current incarnation.
*** For years we gave the hearts of maidens to the corn-man to awaken him, but on the day I came to him I was no longer untouched by man. The priests were careless; they had checked the previous morning, and did not check again. Their mistake, and mine, for I had made love to a temple soldier on the evening before, out of pique, out of a strange desire to defy them for the last time before they took my innocence away. I was not thinking of the consequences at the time.
They stretched me out on the altar, and cut the bleeding heart from my chest. After they had placed it, still beating, into the corn-man's mouth, they said the healing-spells over me, and I saw his eyes open for the first time.
Posted by Ayn Sedai (Member # 2812) on :
Your third sentence is pretty long, and could easily be cut in two. I'd like to read it.
Posted by Minister (Member # 2213) on :
I must have missed this last time around. I'm surprised, since I try to keep an eye out for your work. This incidentally, is a vastly improved hook from what I used to read on your stories. Definitely grabs me. If you get this to me quickly, I should be able to crit and return it within the next few days.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
I think this one was before you showed up, Minister. (which I only remember because it appeared not long after I showed up, and you showed up after me.)
I would like to read it but will probably not get back to you until the weekend.
Posted by Shi Magadan (Member # 2260) on :
if you don't mind, i'd like to read it
Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :
Thanks, Minister.
I wish I could say this came from critting, but as Beth said, this is an old one, and written before anything I sent you.
(sigh). One day I'll get my beginnings straight (I seem to hover between moderately fascinating to outright boring).
Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :
I'm hooked! I'd love to read the rest.
Posted by Vatyma (Member # 2749) on :
ditto
Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :
Hey Silver3,
Like Minister, I enjoy reading your work. Although, I'm not sure how helpful I was on the last one I read for you. I'd be willing to look at this one if you still need more readers. I am a little busy, so it may take more than a week this time around. Send it to wolf_dude64@yahoo.com
Posted by Varishta (Member # 2789) on :
The first sentence caused a bit of confusion for me -- first we're talking about "we" giving hearts to the corn man, then abruptly "I".
How about leaving out the "we" altogether? As in, "For years, the hearts of maidens were given to awaken the corn-man, but on the day I came to him...."
Also -- it almost seems that the corn-man should be capitalized, if it is indeed something to be sacrficed to.
Just my thoughts, of course. This sounds very interesting.
Edit -- Oops, I see you were just seeking readers. Sorry!
[This message has been edited by Varishta (edited August 30, 2005).]
Posted by Kickle (Member # 1934) on :
I'd love to read it, either this version or the next, whichever you prefer.
Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :
I'm busy rewriting it at the moment, and I think I have enough crits on for the moment. But I definitely will send the rewrite to you.
