Thanks!
Ariel
“Oh!” exclaimed Marisol, opening her present. “It’s one of those new robotic vacuum cleaners.”
“That is what you wanted, isn’t it?” Jaime asked, a little anxiously.
“Of course,” Marisol replied quickly. “It’s just what I wanted.”
It wasn’t until the next morning, when she was alone in their suburban house and viewing the online instruction manual for the Air-Roll Robomatic Cleaner, that she let herself admit she was disappointed. She’d joked once that an artificially-intelligent cleaning machine would help her keep on top of the chores, but she must have mentioned a hundred times that she wanted a diamond tennis bracelet for her birthday.
“If only husbands came with an instruction manual,” she said sadly to the Air-Roll Robomatic.
The last line is a good one, though, so if you want to rework it, maybe you should start there.
Anyway, the opening does seem a bit off. You're starting at a scene that doesn't really have much to do with your core story, and then you jump a full day to the scene where you casually explain what the last scene was all about. In other words, that first scene doesn't stand on it's own, aside from not having any setting, real characterization, or identifiable POV.
If you started with the morning after her anniversery, you'd probably have a stronger opening here.
By the way, how long is this?
You should avoid, I think, trying to come up with synonyms for "said" in your dialogue tags. Even in this short snippet there's "exclaimed Marisol," "Jaime asked," and "Marisol replied." It's a much more effective practice to (most of the time) just use "said" along with some active descriptors.
Secondly, I was put off my the adverbs: "a little anxiously" and "replied quickly." I think Stephen King said that an author who uses adverbs is "just lazy." That's a bit much, I think. Me, when I find an adverb in one of my stories I consider it an opportunity for a bit of active exposition.
I hope this helps.
Cheers,
Rob
Apologies for that ungracious thought .
Is this a homage? It has that Asimov sort of feel, especially with regard to the social attitudes. That might be at least part of the reason why it didn't engage me. I didn't feel that I cared much about wimpy Marisol or her adventures with the unwanted Robomatic. I'd really be looking for her to show some wit or initiative in dealing with the situation.
The humor doesn't come across... yes, I can see where it's supposed to be, but it just doesn't leap out at me.
Have you read any John Sladek? Study closely what it is that he does, particularly his humorous robot novels 'The Reproductive System' (1968) and 'Tik Tok' (1983)
If this is meant as an homage, then Sladek would be a far worthier writer to emulate. Asimov was too coy, and had none of the bite of, say, Tiptree, Tenn or Vonnegut or even Sheckley.
[This message has been edited by Paul-girtbooks (edited August 31, 2005).]