On the southern banks of the river Don twenty Cossack families carved a settlement, inching their border ever further into the realm of the Frog King.
Each autumn the central sietch would send one hundred men to be lead by Gregor, the Don Cossack’s hetman, deep into the savage lands across the river. And each year half the men would return with glorious stories of their fallen comrades for the children, with the promise of a safe home for the women, and a report of the enemy’s forces for Tarasa, the chief hetman.
The children’s eyes would light up when they heard of the wild beasts of the deep and of the grotesque form of the Frog People... __________________________________________
Sorry, I originally posted more than 13 lines, so I deleted a few.
[This message has been edited by Shi Magadan (edited August 31, 2005).]
I have lesser issues with the other terms you seem to have gathered from various sources, but it does make your overall setting seem poorly integrated and rather derivative.
I'm not going to hammer your POV, since this is clearly that sort of opening. But it isn't very engaging as it is. It is too much exposition and not enough opening.
As far as ululation, well when they are in the river, they are not silent, perhaps I need to make that more evident.
I think more detail would be helpful--show us the river and the people. What do their homes look like? What are they wearing? What is the river like--wide and slow-moving, or narrow and fast? Are the women covering the heads with shawls? The children running forward to greet their fathers, or waiting to be noticed? At the moment, this reads as far too generic for me.
quote:
people who express grief silently do not "silently ululate" in their hearts.
People who express grief don't ululate at all, I thought ululating was an expression of joy (or at least it is in the Arab and African countries).
And I agree with BuffySquirrel, the opening is too impersonal, but I liked the last sentence, it grabbed my attention.
Is so, check out Jane Yolen's collection 'Tales of Wonder'. They read as if she has gathered together actual fables and edited them into an anthology, that's how authentic is the voice she has imbued into each of the stories. You could do worse than study the opening of these stories, which immediately capture the reader. The trick is in the voice...
That said, this fragment does contain some really nice images: >... families carved a settlement, inching their border ever further into the realm... < >... each year half the men would return with glorious stories of their fallen comrades for the children, with the promise of a safe home for the women, and a report of the enemy’s forces for Tarasa...<
This has a lot of promise. Definitely keep at it.
As far as ululation, this is from dictionary.com: To howl, wail, or lament loudly.
I think I know what they mean about your voice; I tend to open stories the same way. It's the modern version of, "There once lived, in the thrice-ninth tsardom in the thrice-tenth land..."
A lot of readers like to be plunged into the world they're reading about as soon as possible, usually through the eyes of a character.
Another thing you could do is translate some of the words ("fortified camp" for "setch" and so on) and then gradually introduce them into the story. I had no problem with it, but then, I speak Russian.
Would love to see where this goes...
Basically, for the time being I'm tired of writing and reading stories that contain the following in the first sentence:
(Name of character) --> (Interesting/Weird/Peculiar Action).
Can anyone give me good examples of a modern fairy tale that starts off with something like "once upon a time?"
quote:
As far as ululation, this is from dictionary.com: To howl, wail, or lament loudly.
My wrong 
But ululation does also mean:
howl: to howl or wail, in grief or in jubilation
[Early 17th century. < Latin ululare, an
imitation of the sound] Encarta
It's just that were I live the women uluate at weddings, celebrations, and any other moments of jubilation.
By the way, do you want critiquers for the rest of the story?
Kathleen, I'll be sure to check out the anthologies you mentioned.
Thanks everyone.