Aeron squeezed his folded arms tighter around himself to fight off the cold. The thin blue medical gown he wore hung over his shoulders and hardly touched his otherwise naked body, though it touched the floor. It offered little protection against the freezing temperature of the octagonal hibernation chamber.
“Damn, it's cold in here,” he thought, watching his breath evaporate in the cold air. He shivered.
He looked at the hibernation unit being prepared for him by a priest and shivered again. “It’s gonna be colder in that God-awful thing,” he thought.
[This message has been edited by lerxster (edited September 05, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by lerxster (edited September 05, 2005).]
The "being prepared for him by the priest" didn't work for me, either. I think it needs to be more active - "He watched the priest preparing the hibernation unit". The presence of the priest intrigues, because I'd normally expoect some sort of medical technician to be doing that job.
Another minor nit, medical gowns don't touch the floor. This is for the same sanitary reasons that dictate the use of such gowns in the first place, it isn't a matter of fashion or anything.
I also had a bit of a hiccup reading "squeezed his folded arms tighter around himself". It took another pass for me to recognize the action being described.
Overall, it seems like an interesting beginning. You've got a good tension between the techno-medical aspects and the funereal elements, while making both seem relatively normal to the character. I don't know whether that's exactly what you were striving to do, but if so it works.
Honestly, I wasn't confident about the 'squeezing folded arms' part. It's the best I could do. Do you know how you stand when you're out in the cold and you're using your arms held tight to your body while grasping your elbows? And then you squeeze your arms into your body to help warm yourself? I couldn't find another consise description of this action.
Should I post the reworked version in this thread when I have it finished?
Thanks again for your feedback.
[This message has been edited by lerxster (edited September 05, 2005).]
Instead of: Aeron squeezed his folded arms tighter around himself to fight off the cold.
How about: Aeron hugged himself against the cold.
Sometimes simple is the best way to go.
And, yes, you can post the revised version in this thread.
Aeron embraced himself to fight off the cold. The thin blue medical gown he wore hung from his shoulders down to his ankles, though it hardly touched his otherwise naked body. It offered little protection against the freezing temperature of the octagonal hibernation unit storage room. He swore at the cold. His breath evaporated in the air as he shivered.
A priest manipulated a display panel causing a hibernation unit to slide gently and mechanically out of the wall. He shivered again. It’s gonna be colder in that God-awful thing, he thought.
He turned his eyes from the hibernation unit toward the bleak walls. His reflection off the silver mirror-like metal of the walls was almost perfectly discernable.
I'm very close to having the first part of this short story finished. If you're interested to read it, let me know.
Thanks.
Anyway, if you're ready for readers, I'll try it. One thing to clarify, how many parts does this story have, and how are you distinguishing them? Do you only mean the first scene, like up till Aeron goes under?